Seeking Help

**Tracker** · 16-07-2006 04:15

We always imagined trying for a family as a twosome. But after four years of trying, we find ourselves thinking of a threesome or foursome. In another forum that could be mistaken for something obscene. But in this amazing space it's understood as the simple reality for couples like us ... and it actual feels great to share our experience with understanding people.

After five unsuccessful IVF cycles (+ a miscarriage), and going through the early stages of inter-country adoption � something we hope to return to after having our own baby � we ended up at an expensive restaurant with two of our closest friends, discussing egg donorship. Our friends have three children and had offered to consider donating eggs. Perhaps naively we had imagined creating with them a kind of 'super family' with a child that would grow up in an 'open' environment � family outings, birthdays, picnics; a unique and loving extended family.

That was two months ago. We haven't heard from our friends since and we're coming to the realisation, once again, that the idealism of all those adoption classes and egg donor books does not quite match the reality. We are as determined as ever to have a child but we now understand that neither 'open' nor 'closed' egg donor/adoption is necessarily 'right'. Our child is out there waiting for us and we will happily and gladly bring him or her up according to the situation into which he or she is born � including, of course, the wishes of the donor.

We have been together for 10 years, we are 36 (him) and 40 (her), we met through a love of music. We have great jobs and live in the inner west of Sydney.

We have a big extended family with five nieces and two nephews between us. We would love to be able to bring our own child to our family get-togethers.
We are best friends and spend a lot of time together sharing interests in travel, music, tennis, cooking, books. We have a small circle of close friends. We have told some of them about our infertility situation and they have been very supportive.

Having a family has always been our priority, we have persevered and never let these issues get us down. The thing that has sustained us throughout this journey has been our relationship. It has never felt quite right for us to be in this loving partnership and not to bring children into it.

We realise that donating eggs is an enormous undertaking and in all honesty, we wouldn't believe our luck if we were to find someone kind enough to do that for us. If you are considering being a donor, we would welcome hearing from you. We would be more than happy to answer any questions and go into detail about ourselves, this is only a brief snapshot. We are happy to consider an open or closed relationship with you - or any variation.

Love Tracy and David

**PMS** · 16-07-2006 08:16

Hi Tracey it is lovely to see you here. I hope you have as much success on bubhub as Rain and the others. With a beautiful ad like yours I dont think you will have a shortage of responses. Best of luck. I hope you find your Donor Angel soon.

**PMS** · 17-07-2006 14:10

Hello again. I think Im a bit of a thread killer!

I hope you get some more respnses to your ad Tracey.

Take care, Peta

**leisurly** · 17-07-2006 17:57

Hi to the two of you

Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you all the very best of luck and a few

Friends are very important and a sensitive subject like donating can sound great over a few drinks but in the clear light of day, the complexity can dawn, so I'd call your friends and let them off the hook. They probably feel they've given you hope and then realised it was to close for comfort, and now are avoiding you. Be brave and clear the air.

You've made the first step in finding a donor, you need to contact your clinic or a new clinic if your doesn't support your true wishes and start the ball rolling. We are also looking for an egg/embryo donor, and today we had our counselling appointment, I'm now planning on writting a renewed request for a donor.

Hope we can follow your journey

best wishes Lx

**Tracker** · 20-07-2006 16:36

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your welcome!

David and I have been on this journey for four years now, so while this is a huge step - it's basically our next logical one.

I'd be really interested to hear from anyone that has placed and ad. and found a donor. I'm not sure if we should be going all out and placing ads. everywhere ie the Parenting magazine etc.? Has anyone had any concerns with privacy ie people you know seeing your ad?

Look forward to getting to know you all.

**sarahstarfish** · 21-07-2006 08:28

Hey Lovely T

Bubhub's ED forum has been going since early March and there have been three matches that we know of on here (unfortunately some recipients are a bit tardy at returning to share their success with others) as well as a natural pregnancy. So that is pretty good going I reckon and a credit to this wonderful and warm community.

I stand by advertising on the net, especially in forums just like this and when you are looking for a known donor. It's free, you are reaching thousands of women in the perfect demographic but much more than that, you have the chance to put meat on the bones of your ad and let people really know what kind of people you are and allow potential donors the opportunity to connect with you through your posts. Honestly, I have yet to know any recipient who has been around the parenting forums and on AED, and who is PREPARED to get out there and wear their heart on their sleeve, not to find their donor. Yes, I can only imagine how daunting and cruel and nerve-racking it must be to put yourself and your story up in lights...but is far quicker than a waiting list and gives you the chance for support and care in return. Oh, and more likely than not, a donor.

The net is now such an effective form of advertising that a clinic ED co-ordinator told me they don't even advise their ladies to advertise in print anymore, but just go straight to places just like this.

If you DO decide to advertise, the Child's still seem the way to go but it's important to try and make your ad stand out, sometimes Sydney/Melbourne Child's have 12/13 ads, all beautifullly worded. So I reckon if I was putting an ad in, I would be going for bold/big characters for both heading and ending sentence and even a graphic to try and draw attention to your ad. Some people actually advertise in 'quieter' Child's - Brisbane usually has one or two, no more than a handful, so if you are prepared to travel, that might be an option as well. The good thing about the Child's is because all publications are online you also get a chance at the online readers as well. Some Ladies have also had success in local papers.

Re people reading your ad in real life and working out who you are, is a bit of a catch-22 because it is just those personal details that are going to catch the eye of potential EDs.

Maybe give yourself a timeframe T....if we look at Bubhub matches, most recipients are finding KNOWN donors within three/four months which is probably indicative across the board (some much shorter, some much longer) but perhaps you want to run a print ad at the same time to maximise your chances? And of course right here is a caring brains trust to try your shorter print ad out on - we won't hold back with either constructive comments or big hugs!

Good luck - hope some recipients can offer you their own stories or ideas.

Love

Cindy

**sarahstarfish** · 21-07-2006 08:30

Oops - meant to add - I love your ad, especially the last par. The huge majority of donors just want to know that the enormity of their gift is understood and appreciated - I like the way you say what it means to you and David.

Love

Cindy

**provencein3** · 21-07-2006 14:35

Can you say who the three recipients are because I'm not sure whether I'm one of them or not. shame on me if I am

Tracy it took me about 6 months to find a donor. I advertised in brisbane child and got no response. I advertised on the Qld Playgroups email newsletter and got about 4 enquiries to provide information about what was involved. I had an advert on bubhub, AED and that other well know forum (almost got a wrist slap and mentioned who they were).

the advantage of Bubhub and the other one is as Cindy says, its free, you are not limited by space and there is supporting information about egg donation. I eventually put my advert on about 4-6 other forums. I got a lot of responses but they were from ladies who wanted to help but really had no idea of what was involved so a lot of fielding.

yes there are people who are concerned about their identity. they might use different names or something similar or restrict what information they divulge.

I personally found that its not easy to get information about yourself out there in these forums. Its essentially an advertising forum. The traffic volumes vary so you can really only post when someone is responding to you and its all about egg donation so might give an insight into aspects of your personality based on how you write but not who you are. I already have a son and had started to post in some of the other threads on other forums ie "toddlers" or whatever so you can chat about the weather, what you did on the weekend with your son, what you cooked for dinner last night.....things that give an insight into you...not just your medical history. Didn't do it for too long as was a little over forums by that stage but could be worth a try. your signature hopefully will give a hint as to your situation. It was suggested that you could post in the IVF forums to give an insight into yourself but I think they may be of more advantage to those wanting embryos.

So if you've got a lot of money to throw around and want to ensure your time frame to finding a donor is minimised than you can advertise everywhere but probably best to place in the free locations and then experiment a little with the other avenues.

**Roxy** · 22-07-2006 15:49

Good luck with your ad Tracey - I do think that it offers a potential donor a wonderful insight into you and your hubby.

I think Kim has a valid point about trying to post in some of the other forums too. I know that bubhub has some wonderul general chat threads, that arent strictly parenting related. Would be a good way to get to know some other posters, and for them to get to know you. You never know, the donor who comes forward may never have thought to venture into the egg donation threads for any number of reasons.

Not sure if you have done, but maybe also add a link to your ad in your signature line. That way, if you do get brave and venture out into some of the other threads, your ad is always there, following you all over the site!