I still regret it...

[Me]

I guess I should probably get this out and hey this section is perfect for it.

7 1/2 months ago I had my 2nd baby. But lets go back to the beginning...

August last year, we'd just been away on a family holiday(DH, DD1 - who was 2, and myself). I'd had spotting on our holiday but didn't think anything of it until a few weeks later and the sore boobs started, so I did a HPT and got a BFP. I was shocked. DH was shocked. DD was excited.

Pre-natal depression and anxiety set in, in the first trimester but eased as I got into the second trimester. By the third trimester the nursery was complete, the car seat was bought, we were all excited and couldn't wait to meet bub.

About 33 weeks, bub was found to be breech. I started doing all the exercises suggested to turn a breech bub. But at 36 weeks when bub was still breech, I was sent for a scan and booked for an ecv. DH couldn't make it to the scan, so my brother and DD1 came with me, everything looked perfect and the ecv was booked for the next day.

DD1 was at kindy, DH came to the hospital with me and I was monitored for about 15-30 mins then taken off for the ecv. The OB who did the ecv reminded me a bit of an old school teacher. She tried twice, and bub would move but the second her hands were off my tummy bub would swing around to head up again. The 3rd time she barely touched my tummy then said, nope, this bub won't turn, that's 3 times I've tried now, off you go to get monitored again and you can go home.

That was ok, I was happy with a breech VB, I'd researched enough to no longer be scared. I was upset that I could have my water birth, but hey, worse things can happen.

So thursday, I'm 37ish weeks, I thought my waters had started to leak. I rang my midwife who was on a day off so she organised my 2nd midwife(who had been on holidays my whole pregnancy so far so it was our first meeting), to meet me at the hospital for a check up and to monitor me for a while. She checked and my waters weren't leaking, but kept me on the monitor for a while and read over all my notes and we had a lovely hr or 2 session of getting to know each other. She got to the end of my file and asked "Did they do the ecv?"; "yes, why's that?"; "ummm, they shouldn't have"; "why?"; "because this scan report from the day before the ecv says nuchal cord which means the cord is around bubs neck"; "oh". DH and I just looked at each other. I felt my heart sink, I knew this was bad news. She immediately mentioned c/s but at the same time we talked about having another scan to check the cord.

Friday - I was sent to see an OB to discuss a c/s. I tried to ask the OB for a scan to check the cord placement but she brushed me aside. I tried to discus a VB and was fiercely put down with a "no-one's going to let you VB that baby! It's breech with nuchal cord!". I walked out and cried. I went to the birth centre and whilst neither of my midwives were there, another who I'd met various times saw me and asked how I was and I burst into tears and we had a great chat. I left feeling better than I'd gotten it all out and she went off to organise another scan with my midwife.

Monday - 3:30pm I get a call from the hospital. "Did you know you missed an appointment today?"

"No, i didn't know I had an appointment today, what's it for?"

"Pre-admission... so do you know you're having a c/s on wednesday?"

"No"

"hmmm, you're the second person today. I've squeezed the other lady in for pre-admission tomorrow, do you mind sharing the appointment with her?"

"ok"

I got off the phone, tried to ring DH. No answer. Sh!t, I just needed to tell someone, so I rang a friend. I was scared, nervous yet excited I'd be meeting bub soon. She talked me through it and offered to look after DD1. She was great.

Monday night I went to bed thinking of all the things I needed to organise on tuesday, but also still not wanting to have a c/s. 11:30, hmmm these BH are enough to wake me up. I get up, wander the house, have a shower, try anything to get them to stop so I can go to bed. 3am I give up and ring my midwife who organises everything with the hospital, then tells me to head up, they'll do a scan to check the cord then send me through for a c/s. But reminds me that it's my choice. Even if I'm laying in theatre and don't want to do it I can still say no, I have every right.

Scan shows the cord is still around the neck. I'm given the choice - c/s straight away with the "night team" who were just finishing up emergency c/s #5 of the night or wait, hoping labour doesn't progresss and be first up with the "morning team". We decide to wait. DD1 comes in and hangs out with us until it's time for us to go through.

The contractions are timed as we go to theatre - 3 in 10. Labour is progressing nicely, though not what people want to happen. It's now 8/8:30ish, I've been in labour for 9ish hours.

The anethesist talks me through everything that he's doing, asks me to tell him when a contraction is coming and says the words that make me want to cry. "This is one of the last contractions you're going to feel". I wasn't in pain, the contractions were peaceful. I didn't want a c/s.

At 10am DD2 was born via c/s 6lb 11oz with the cord 4 times around her neck. She's fine, the cord is still plenty long enough, she's healthy. DH cut the cord(though he really didn't want to but felt it was the right thing to do). Photo's were taken, we had a cuddle, but I couldn't actually hold her because of all the cords. She was taken off with DH to recovery. It took an hour for me to get stitched up and taken through to recovery.

The second I get to recovery I asked a nurse to help me sit up then ripped off the gown and BF my tiny beautiful little girl.

I was in pain, but apparently doing really well. My parents had helped look after DD1 a lot and as we'd borrowed their camera, DH just dropped it off at their place as he collected DD1 as he didn't have the cable to get the photo's off and said he'd do it another day.

Next day, my grandfather rings to see how I'm going and says "Oh I loved the photo's your parents sent".

WTF. My parents had emailed out MY BIRTH PHOTO'S to their friends and family WITHOUT my consent. I was polite about it, but asked DH to let them know that I was upset. I cried many tears. I didn't want a c/s. I wasn't ready for any family to know I'd had a c/s, let alone them receive the photo's of it.

My parents told me they deleted all the photo's(by this stage DH already had a copy, which I'd seen and there were none there that I deemed suitable for other people to see, let alone emailed out so they have copies to distribute as they see fit, which is sadly what happened).

Friday, dh was struggling at home without me. I was struggling not being home so I asked for early discharge. I was deflated about the photo's, about the c/s. I just wanted to be home with my family.

On the way home from the hospital, we picked DD1 up from kindy. I was in pain but I was so desperate to see my little girl that I went in anyway and collected her. She was excited to see me. We were all excited to be home. I got home, put bub to bed and had a shower.

I'd been home for 1 hr and DH's phone rings. It was my brother. Yelling at me and abusing me for getting upset about my birth photo's being sent out. "What's the big deal?, You were born by c/s and I was there, there's nothing wrong about it, get over it and appologise to mum and dad". I was crying, shaking, upset and furious. how dare he tell me how to feel? His abusive phone calls and texts and FB messages continued for 2 days until I picked up the phone and told my dad to call him and tell him never to ever contact me ever again.

7 1/2 months on, I'm still not talking to my brother. I'm still angry and upset about my parents sending out the birth photo's. I've since found out they lied to me and my birth photo's are part of the screen saver on their computer, which I must add lives in their lounge room. Anyone who visits their house sits on the couch and stares at the computer, stares at my c/s photo's.

I'm on speaking terms with my parents, but I still get days, like today where I feel like picking up the phone and telling them to delete those photo's, tell them I know they lied to me. Tell them it hurts. My brother now lives with them, so I can't go to their house to check that they delete the photo's.

I still to this day kick myself for having a c/s that I never wanted. I did it out of fear. Fear that because bub had the cord around her neck AND was breech that something could go wrong. Scared because DH was scared that something could go wrong. Scared I wouldn't be able to live with the "what if's" if something did go wrong.

I can't live my life in fear anymore. I can't let this burden me any more, hence why I'm writing this. I need to let it out, I need to accept that it's ok that I feel this way, I can't change it, but I can learn from it. learn not to live in fear. Learn to stand up for myself. Learn to live with the upset I feel every time I think about DD2's birth.

I hope that by writing this, I can share some of what I learnt and encourage people to stand up for themselves, its not worth the upset I feel when I think about my c/s.

[ElizaDoLittle]

Beautifully written hunni, I am so sorry you didn't get the birth you desired

[Just Add Water]

I'm so proud of you for writing that out and I truly hope it helps lift some of the weight you've been carrying around about it. Go hug your babies, and get Miss C to give you a pat on the back from me.

[Myztik]

[Lastcenturymum]

Oh hun, NOW I understand your issues with your brother. That is so wrong and totally inappropriate And even your parents needed to be more sensitive.

I hope writing it down has helped in some way

Hope your gorgeous little girl is going well

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I am just wondering, I Hope you don't mind me asking...

My DS nearly died during birth as hte cord was 3 times around his neck - very tightly. Emergency c-section.

Anyway with my DD2 - I asked for a scan to check cord placement as I was having a vbac and wanted to know beforehand. I was told there was no point as scans are '2D and they can't show a cord around the neck, it could just be in front of the neck'

This sounded pretty much like bollocks to me - and apparently it did show up in your scans??

As it turned out DD2 did have a very tight nuchal cord and was briefly stunned after birth but all was fine.

I am just annoyed that I was told they can't see a nuchal cord in a scan. Although perhaps it was for the best - I might have been put off vbac if I'd known there was acord.

I am sorry about your birth photos. That sounds awful. I hope you don't have to carry that anger about it for life - are your parents aware of what a violation you feel it is?

[EquineMum]

FIrstly -

Secondly - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain

I went through 50 hours of natural labour and had said "EPIDURAL AND C/S OVER MY DEAD BODY" many times over prior to that. I had also said NO PETHIDINE, NO DRUGS NO NOTHING!! I didn't want anything to 'contaminate' my precious bubba.

Well, it turns out that DS had different ideas. After pulling the plug and watching the water all drain out of his cosy little home LOL, he decided he was not going to budge, no matter what.

Contractions were irregular. Syntocinin didn't help. Then came the pethidine. The gas. Cascade of intervention. Oy. I'm sure you get the picture. "Old" surgical team on it's way out - let's wait for the "fresh" one's. Sound familiar?

My 9lb3oz son was born via CS after 50 hours of me trying my damndest to get him to move, but he was having none of it. With his stubborn little chin stuck out, the wrong part of his head was presenting and not putting the 'right' pressure on my cervix. I never dilated past 7cm. Did I get the birth I wanted? HELL NO! Did I get the outcome I wanted? Healthy Mum and bub? HELL YES!! Do I have regrets? Maybe - but I can't change the past. I have to get past it and move forward.

Am I planning a VBAC? You bet. Will I get it? Maybe not. Am I ok with that? Yes. I like rainbows, but they just dont' come without the damn rain.....so put on some gumboots and a coat and come splash in the puddles with me, hey?! You are one courageous lady for sharing your story - congrats on the birth of your beautiful daughter.

I hope you and your family can heal together soon....

[Me]

Thanks girls.

LCM - long time no see she's going well, 7 1/2 months, 4 teeth and a happy little girl doted on by her big sister

Maire - the scan couldn't see the cord around the neck, but we could see the cord pulsing as a few layers in the vacinity of the neck but that was just with a portable scanner. But the scan before the ecv was a 3d so could see the nuchal cord.

EM - dd2 was supposed to be our last bub. I don't know if I'll get a chance to have the birth I want. I dearly want a 3rd, but dh is not keen you've got a much more positive outlook on life than I do, I hope I can learn a lesson or 2 from you.

[Just Add Water]

I had to come back and say I hope what I said doesn't come across as condescending at all.... hopefully you know what I mean

[Teley]

J - I'm so sorry. It sucks being so powerless, I can't emphasise with how you must have felt but I can and do sympathise. I know words won't make what happened go away, and I'm really really sorry that your parents and brothers acted that way. I can't believe they would do something like that really, it isn't very nice at all.

Your feelings are completely valid and you feel whatever you need to feel. What happened was wrong and are you well within your right to feel angry, or upset, or anything else. I would be upset too!

If you ever need to chat, I am all ears.