Single mums POV

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Peppah, how do you know for sure who is telling the truth? Your dad or your mum?

My ex has been an awful father. I don't give a rats about our relationship, I'm so glad we never stayed together, because my life is far better then it ever would have been with him in it.

It is very hard not to hold a grudge against someone who hurts your child, and would leave them go without though. My ex would say he was comming for visitiation and not show up, he asked my DD to be flower girl when he got married and then changed his mind. He never pays child support, and when I was single and poor I really reall needed that money for her. it would in fact take me days to write all of the awful things he has done to let her down.

I don't dis my ex to my DD, she has figured it out all on her own now that she is older and can see him for what he is, but how can I possibly like a man who would treat his own child so poorly?

Moreover in most cases when men are not in their childrens lives, it is their choice. So it can be hard for a mum to remain neutral when she sees the hurt a father can cause, when he is supposed to be loving and protecting his children.

[PeppaH]

Peppah, how do you know for sure who is telling the truth? Your dad or your mum?

My ex has been an awful father. I don't give a rats about our relationship, I'm so glad we never stayed together, because my life is far better then it ever would have been with him in it.

It is very hard not to hold a grudge against someone who hurts your child, and would leave them go without though. My ex would say he was comming for visitiation and not show up, he asked my DD to be flower girl when he got married and then changed his mind. He never pays child support, and when I was single and poor I really reall needed that money for her. it would in fact take me days to write all of the awful things he has done to let her down.

I don't dis my ex to my DD, she has figured it out all on her own now that she is older and can see him for what he is, but how can I possibly like a man who would treat his own child so poorly?

Moreover in most cases when men are not in their childrens lives, it is their choice. So it can be hard for a mum to remain neutral when she sees the hurt a father can cause, when he is supposed to be loving and protecting his children.

Thats beside the point though, I wouldnt care if what really happened was my dad cheated on my mum, that has nothing to do with me.
Of cause Im not talkign about if the father is a bad father, Im talking only if the father was a bad husband/partner. Its nothign to do with if my mum is telling the truth or if my dad is telling the truth, its about my mum going on about how horrible my dad is. Thats not the case I saw, I saw a man trying to be a good father with everyone against him.

[sunnyflower]

My parents split when i was 6.

Mum ended it .Dad was becoming super religious and she couldnt deal.They would have split anyway.

Anyway she quickly moved on and was with the same guy for 18 yrs,now split now friends.
Dad married again 14 years ago,is very happy.

Basically dad never badmouths mum,she always badmouths him.Thinks he isn"t a very good dad or grandad.Neither of them were very good parents but mum is very hands on now.Dad not so much.I have no issues with them.

I wish mum would just move on with her life emotionally though,she still hangs on to the crap from the past.It's very draining to listen to.

[PeppaH]

My parents split when i was 6.

Mum ended it .Dad was becoming super religious and she couldnt deal.They would have split anyway.

Anyway she quickly moved on and was with the same guy for 18 yrs,now split now friends.
Dad married again 14 years ago,is very happy.

Basically dad never badmouths mum,she always badmouths him.Thinks he isn"t a very good dad or grandad.Neither of them were very good parents but mum is very hands on now.Dad not so much.I have no issues with them.

I wish mum would just move on with her life emotionally though,she still hangs on to the crap from the past.It's very draining to listen to.

Oh I know the feeling, my mum carries on like it only happened yesterday. Its hard on me because I love my dad and when I have something upsetting me (like when he was dieing) I thought I could talk to my mum but all I got and all I ever get is "good, the stupid moron deserves what he gets". So yeah, I try not to talk to my mum about my feelings and ANYTHING concernign my dad these days.

[kel87]

I’m not in this situation, but I wanted to post my thoughts on the topic.

Firstly, to all the posters, you should be very proud of what you achieved thus far. I can only imagine how hard it is to bite your tongue when you know you child’s father is an absolute pig, but you need to be applauded for not saying anything, as I am married to a fantastic man who unfortunately – in his own words “was brainwashed against his father” and wishes he could have just been left out of it.

I think Mum’s generally get the harder situation when a relationship involving a child breaks up. It is generally the mum that has full custody of the child, and with this comes the pressure to support their child emotionally and financially – on one income (if they can work) while the other partner – as described in PP can just go back to life ‘before baby’ and this could make the mother resent them?

I also think generally the mums are bitter towards the dads, because they have abandoned the role of a father, as PP have said, some have left the country, moved on straight away etc and that would be very hard to deal with .. ITS NOT FAIR!!!
I know this hasn’t been helpful but for the mum’s that are biting their tongues .. J

[sweetseven]

When we split, my XH was a complete waste of space. I did everything I could to fascillitate a relationship between him and the children, and not say anything bad about him to them.

Conversely, he seemed to do the opposite, and was constantly insulting me (and my eventual new partner) to them.

After a slow start (two years) he has stepped up to the plate and developed a good relationship with the children. He is really good with them now, spending almost every weekend with them.

This leaves me feeling somewhat cheated, because I feel like I was the one that stuck in there, and slogged through when times were difficult. Now, I get to deal with the boring day-to-day, getting them off to school and extra-curricula activities, whereas he gets the fun weekends.

However, I cannot fault him for his behaviour now (other than the occasional comment about myself or DP). So yes, the children have really benefitted. I just feel like I've been left behind.

It has become a little more equitable, because his shifts at work changed, so I now get them on Sundays (and he has Saturdays) so I have at least some weekend time with them.

[SorenLorensen]

a close friend of mine left her hubby. final straw what after one night that left her with bruises she could not hide and knew it was time to come clean to her family and mainly herself that this was a bad situation.
her childs father is actually pretty decent these days.
she is trying very hard right now, it is all new to her and sometimes she will get vocal about her ex in front of her child.
she holds a grudge because of what he did to her, because is no longer the man she fell in love with, because he made her lie to people who were close to her, because she wqs never good enough, because he changed her, because he made her feel worthless, because he forced her friends away, because he did this in front of their child, because her child ended up not reacting to them fighting or him hitting her...it was normal, because he never gave her the happy family, because he took away the first 2 years of what could have been a happy mother hood from her and replaced it with fear.

she is now living it up, she is slowly getting close to who she was, though she will never be the same i sometimes see that old carefree friend of mine come out to play and it is wonderful. what he did to her was beyond what words can express, the cuts and bruises were nothing compared to what he did to her mind

but as i said, he is actually a pretty decent dad and she TRYS her hardest not to verbalise her hatred for him in front of her child but sometimes she slips up, she is human.

i am not a single mum nor have i ever been, NEVER will i fully understand the hurt that can come with breaking ties with the father of your children under not so nice circumstances unless it happens to me.
therefore i will not judge or question why they sometimes let go, i will not criticise them for it rather i will offer a hug, i know what i have seen my friend go through and it is not easy.

[reAllytee]

But the thing is Peppah, you can't really know what went on between your mum and dad. That's between them. You obviously see you dad as a top bloke now for making the effort and he probably is a great dad but being a great dad doesn't always equate to being a great husband. Anything could have happened behind closed doors.

You also can't really know exactly how you would behave if you ever split up. You can't know, there are too many variables. You can hope that you would be able to take the high road but you are still human and so is your mum. She has obviously struggled to keep her feelings in check.

I left my ex, and he was upset for quite a long time. He still occasionally makes snide little remarks but I try to ignore it as it isn't helpful.

Because you are hurt and suffering and the whole thing is a massive rollercoaster with emotions you can't keep up with.

My ex left me, just decided one day that he couldn't hack it being a father and partner and walked out.

Do you know how that feels? I will tell you how i felt, rejected, angry, ugly, hurt, embarassed, emotional, depressed, worthless, useless, worried, upset, unsure of the future.

They are just some of the emotions i felt. They all come at once and you its hard to control them.

I hate him for what he did, he has moved on with his life, he parties on, he has no responsibilities at all, he can do what he wants when he wants, he has money whenever he wants. His life has changed for the better. he makes a phone call here and there and visits the kids once in a while when it suits him. He gets to go on holidays whenever he wants.

Me on the other hand have to do everything, my life has changed and not for the better, im completely on my own, so god damn lonely, just a trip to the supermarket is a mission in its self. I never go out, i live week to week with money and it hardly stretches the week. I have to do absolutely everything.

Its hard not to put my feelings into the situation, very hard. I remember when he 1st walked out i said to him "i don't ever want you to see the kids again" Cause i was hurt and angry at him for what he done.

At the moment i have to hold in everything with all my might. When my DS sits there and brags about how awesome his father is i have to hold in as hard i can and not explode and say "you father is a piece of **** that left us cause he couldn't hack it" But i know its not the right thing to do and i know one day i will be that emotional i probably will let it slip and let it out, for now im holding it in and although i feel like im about to explode i will keep it in for the sake of my children.

Unless you have been there you seriously have no idea. Even i can't explain it myself but thats a little insight into my situation. Not everyone will have my will power and im not sure how long i will have it too.

Remember regarding your parents- There a always 3 sides to the story, your mums, your dads and the truth.

As you basically know I get that totally


Its all very new to me as its been 8wks now ...

I try my best not to speak anything bad about the ex around the boys ... Im not perfect, it happens when I am upset but mostly I bite my tongue.

I am the one that has to deal with Boof when he lashes out that he hasnt seen daddy this week or that he hasnt called or only called for a matter of minutes.

I am the one who has to watch her 4.5yr old cry himself to sleep almost every nite or have a number of nightmares through the nite screaming out for daddy.

Our split was probably inevitable, I get that & yanno we are both probably better off apart but how it all went down has left me with a lot of hurt & anger.

That doesnt mean I let rip in front of the boys although I am sure they sense the tension they arent silly. But I do bite my tongue when its their time with daddy & I have to deal with various issues.

I do however take aim when alone with him ... Yep probably petty & immature but like Jax, I am hurt, I feel used & like something that can be thrown away when it isnt good enough anymore.

I admit that I still love my ex, yeah that all seems warped after the above but I cannot help but miss the man that I fell in love with & the man that our boys will probably never get to know & thats also what makes me angry some days. To think this isnt even the real him thats doing all of this yet I have to accept it for what it is & let him walk away.

We are all only human in the end & we try to do the best we can with what we get given.

[aquarius]

oh reallytee you've made cry! i'm sending you lots of hugs

[Hollywood]

My parents should never have even gotten married

Dad ended up cheating on Mum for something like 5 years, with his secretary (who, ironically, had the same name as my Mum ).

Long story short, he finally left when I was 11. Mum remarried only 1 year later, and is still with my step dad 20 years on. My Dad has had many girlfriends, the latest of which he has been together with for about a year.

Despite my mum marrying a lovely man soon after divorcing, she still isn't really over the situation with my Dad, and still says some negative things about him.

I certainly don't think my Dad is flawless (far from it), but neither is my Mum. I just wish I knew what to say to help Mum deal with her feelings, 20 years is such a long time to hold onto grudges and I feel sorry for my step dad who has to hear that stuff time and again .