Single mums POV

[PeppaH]

I didnt know where to put this seeing as I dont think there is a partnered only section and besides I woudl like singles pov on this.

I just read a post in the singles section but didnt want to post in there in fear of getting my head ripped off, so I will try to explain myself here.

My mum was told by my nan (her mum) to leave 'kick my dad out and watch him crawl back" when I was about 11 I think. Well my dad didnt come back yay for him. He met someone he really clicked with and moved on. However, my mum sees him as the bad guy for moving on and getting re married and being happy etc. He and my step mum supported me, my sister and my mum for years. Of course I was told something else by my mum. She says we got kicked out of our home because my dad wanted to sell it etc etc all the nasty things. However years down the track (like last year or so) I find out that my dad and step mum had been paying for us to live there for ages and then gave my mum the option of just paying them the morgage money and buying it off them. She didnt like that so we moved.

Another story (which isnt my own and Im not all that familliar with) is my DF mum being a physco and insulting DF dad and making everyones life all the more difficult including herselves. This is years ago of course when they where jsut kids.

Now I hear these things all to offten, man leave women for whatever reason and women holds a grudge over man for life. Makes it hard for him to even have a fair go with his children, tells lies to the children about the dad, makes the dad out to be the bad guy to the children.

To me this isnt right. I could never do that to my DF is we broke up, I would never do that to my children. The way I look at it is that in most cases, its a problem between mother and father and they break up because of it.
So Im wondering for those who are in the situation of being single or parents have split up, does your mum hold a grudge? Do you hold a grudge? Why? if you/they do?

My mum does I think because my dad did remarry and she has no one. That is no ones fault but her own, yet to this day she has nothing nice to say abotu my dad, they man who she has two children to. The man she loved enough to marry and have two children to.

[IndigoJ]

My parents split up, neither holds a grudge, it was a mutual decision, they were moving in different directions.

This might be a question that is too personal for people to answer. Their reasons for doing anything are their own reasons.

[PeppaH]

My parents split up, neither holds a grudge, it was a mutual decision, they were moving in different directions.

This might be a question that is too personal for people to answer. Their reasons for doing anything are their own reasons.

Yeah I know it can be personal. Im not asking about if it was rape or a one night stand etc, thats obvious. Im asking more ... Why if it was something like the man cheated on you or just couldnt handle the pressure etc, do you hate him for leaving? Do they 'brainwash' their children because it didnt work out between the parents?

I think I can honestly say I hold a grudge against my mum for saying such horrible stuff. My dad was never the best dad, he makes up for it now though. He always tried to keep us in his life.

[IndigoJ]

Yeah I know it can be personal. Im not asking about if it was rape or a one night stand etc, thats obvious. Im asking more ... Why if it was something like the man cheated on you or just couldnt handle the pressure etc, do you hate him for leaving? Do they 'brainwash' their children because it didnt work out between the parents?

I think I can honestly say I hold a grudge against my mum for saying such horrible stuff. My dad was never the best dad, he makes up for it now though. He always tried to keep us in his life.

I think you misunderstood what i was saying. The bolded part is exactly what some people might not wish to discuss on an internet forum, amongst strangers, with the fear of being judged for their personal decisions/choices.

[whatwasithinking]

My parents split when I was 12. My mother blamed my father from day one and that is all I grew up to beleive. That my father was a so and so etc.

Then when I was an adult I found out that yes whilst my dad did do things that he shouldn't have that he wasn't such a bad monster after all.

My mum still holds a grudge and probably will until the day she dies.

But it's her problem not mine.

I would never do this to my children as it's between the parents and shouldn't involve the kids.

Though my daughter knows how horrible my husband treats me so if we split she would have seen it first hand and made up her own mind. I would let her form her own opinion and have her own relationship with her father.

OK I'm really dribbling now so I'm going to sign off. Must be the weather................

[Ana Gram]

But the thing is Peppah, you can't really know what went on between your mum and dad. That's between them. You obviously see you dad as a top bloke now for making the effort and he probably is a great dad but being a great dad doesn't always equate to being a great husband. Anything could have happened behind closed doors.

You also can't really know exactly how you would behave if you ever split up. You can't know, there are too many variables. You can hope that you would be able to take the high road but you are still human and so is your mum. She has obviously struggled to keep her feelings in check.

I left my ex, and he was upset for quite a long time. He still occasionally makes snide little remarks but I try to ignore it as it isn't helpful.

[PeppaH]

But the thing is Peppah, you can't really know what went on between your mum and dad. That's between them. You obviously see you dad as a top bloke now for making the effort and he probably is a great dad but being a great dad doesn't always equate to being a great husband. Anything could have happened behind closed doors.

You also can't really know exactly how you would behave if you ever split up. You can't know, there are too many variables. You can hope that you would be able to take the high road but you are still human and so is your mum. She has obviously struggled to keep her feelings in check.

I left my ex, and he was upset for quite a long time. He still occasionally makes snide little remarks but I try to ignore it as it isn't helpful.

First bolded answer - Thats what I mean though, just because a man is a bad hubby doesnt make him a bad father. Im asking would you dis him for being a bad hubby and confuse that (and your child) making him sound like a bad father as well??

Second bolded - Yes I do know because yes we had split up and it wasnt a nice one either. I made it clear at the time though that I by no means want him to stop seeing his son and I hold no grudges over him because I knwo he is a good father.

Edit, I have had nasty break ups before and I know how childish people can be over them. However I still talked to them like anybody else and whatnot. There are no children involved with them though, but if they were I would act the same. Yes they make bad partners but that has nothing to do with them as parents.

[SassyMummy]

My mother is a little bitter about my dad and her splitting up. Well, not really, just bitter about how he's changed since then.

My mother was perfect. She was little Betty Crocker housewife, and did everything to support my father. She did EVERYTHING for him, and was a fantastic mother. She gave up all of herself for my father and for us. He just made fun of her, made her feel uncomfortable by grabbing her bum and whispering dirty things in her ear in front of people, and otherwise just treated her like a second class citizen.

She finally left him when I was 14, after my brother and I told her she should. She went to work a bit before they split (first time since we were born), and he couldn't handle the fact that she was now a person in her own right - not just a mother or wife.

Anyway, she left him... and he changed. He treated his following gfs as if they were angels. He took one of a trip to Europe (paid for by him!) and got her expensive jewellery.

My mother was lucky if my father even remembered it was her birthday when she was with him.

I can understand her frustration. She never badmouths him. Well, she does, but it's nothing we don't already know and we're not little kids - we're adult and so it's different IMO. He does the same about her too.

I like her more than him, so that could be one reason why I don't have much of an issue with her whinging about him.

I've split from DDs father, and you have no idea how hard it is to not tell DD what a selfish pr*ck he is. I keep very neutral on it all... for her sake... and I refuse to lie for him, and make HIM answer the hard questions... so that I can't be accused of manipulation.

I would have said that I would have treated him well if we ever split when I was with him... but he changed. He wasn't just some guy I didn't love, but he was MEAN and CRUEL and NASTY. He seemed to forget that he was DDs father, and saw her hardly ever. I was left to deal with her crying that she missed him. I was the one living in a 3x3 room with my daughter, and struggling to find a new home. He was living it up like a young person, going clubbing, drinking, doing drugs, shagging around... etc etc.

Well, yeah, he has to get on with his life... but the worst thing is that he got on with it... WITHOUT DD being a part of it. She was kept around so he could pretend he was a fantastic doting father. He'd see her once every three weeks (approx) and call up his mother so she could see what a lovely dad he was... so he could pretend to be a fantastic dad to his new gf.

Then he finally left, moved overseas to be with a girl. He chose a girl over his daughter.

I am angry with him. You have no idea how angry I am. He's hurt our daughter so much, and it's me who has to deal with that. That's so unfair - he's the fool who caused the hurt, and yet he doesn't have to see what he's caused.

He sends me $40 a week. Calls her for 30 mins once a month. That's his contribution to her upbringing.

I think it's easy to see why I'd be angry with him.

So far I've managed to not say anything bad about him... but I've got YEARS AND YEARS to go with this parenting gig. It could very easily slip out oneday.

[PeppaH]

My parents split when I was 12. My mother blamed my father from day one and that is all I grew up to beleive. That my father was a so and so etc.

Then when I was an adult I found out that yes whilst my dad did do things that he shouldn't have that he wasn't such a bad monster after all.

My mum still holds a grudge and probably will until the day she dies.

But it's her problem not mine.

I would never do this to my children as it's between the parents and shouldn't involve the kids.

Though my daughter knows how horrible my husband treats me so if we split she would have seen it first hand and made up her own mind. I would let her form her own opinion and have her own relationship with her father.

OK I'm really dribbling now so I'm going to sign off. Must be the weather................

Thank you for answering. Thats what Im trying to find out. Of course if the child wants to hate the father because of them treating the mother badly thats their choice. Thats what Im getting at though, obviously in your case you believe you wont have to tell her because she will already know.
I, to this day am seen as a traitor because I associate with my dad and step mum. My sister doesnt want anythign to do with them even when my dad was on his death bed. My dad always asks after her and my mum, he is interested and they never have a nasty thing to say (about when they were together) they say stuff a bit when I talk abotu what she is doign lately I love me dad for not being childish about it, I mean FFS it happened about 11 years ago

[PeppaH]

SassyMummy, thats very strong of you I rekon. Its good to hear that although you think really badly of him you restrain yourself (so far) from saying those things to your daughter. Im sure even without you hounding your DD, she will grow up knowing it anyways... However my pov is that like you said, you would look like the manipulative one if you tried to tell her that. Thanks for answering.