Hi all Will try and make a long story short. I have always suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. From when I was really really young. It first kind of reared its ugly head in a significant way when I was in year 5 and we had a family member living with us who was a heroin addict. I ended up not being able to go to school for a small amount of time as I would walk in the gates, freeze up and panic and run back out screaming...It ended up being a result of me feeling like I had a responsibility to protect my mum. She was being a massive support to my cousin and I think a part of me sensed or felt she had no real support herself. I felt like I had to protect our family unit. Theres a lot more to it, but I overcame it quite well.
Next significant time was in year 12 when I suffered panic attacks so bad it ended up escalating into depression and me physically being unable to get out of bed. I was medicated and this helped immensly, I stayed on the medication (aropax) for a couple of years before I weaned myself. I coped really really well coming off it and felt I finally had myself under control in terms of fending the attacks off as they began. Since then, I have become a qualified counsellor and found this course to be immensly helpful in terms of learning more about anxiety and depression and finding new strategies and techniques for dealing with it. Since then I have always felt really on top of it and in control so to speak.
I have never had long term therapy. I think mostly because I have a massive family history of anxiety/depression/addictions etc that my mum has always been the one I have gone too. She suffers herself, so understands exactly what it is like, along with other family members. So I have always had that support and people to talk to.
Well I'm starting to feel I'm losing it a little again. Ever since my son was born I've started having severe panic attacks again. They have just gradually crept up on me. At first I just put it down to severe sleep deprivation, and of course the challenges of being a new parent, but they are slowly getting worse. I've only been having them at night when I'm trying to fall asleep, but in the last week I have had a couple during the day which, to me, is big warning bells that I need to get on top of it fast.
Last night I didnt get to sleep until 3 (my son wakes at 7) so this morning I'm just thinking I really need to do something. They are just getting worse. I'm starting to feel physically ill.
At first it just started with the heart palpitations as I was falling asleep, and now its going into the full blown heart racing feeling like its going to burst out of my chest, that feeling like you convince yourself your having a stroke or a heart attack or something, tight feeling across my chest, shortness of breath etc etc I'm sure you all know what I mean. I'm constanly panicing about something happening to me, dp or my son, which could have something to do with it. I've almost convinced myself that this happiness could only be short lived and I'm petrified of not being here for my son. He is my life and my entire world.
I dont want to be medicated again, I'm definite about that, but I'm just feeling a little lost about what to do. I feel like I probably, finally, should really go and see someone about it. Anyway, I'm just writing this here really as a way to get it out and to get some advice/support. I've been really internalising it for a fair while now, my dp doesnt even know the severity of it, but its a bit hard for him to understand. i think its hard for anyone to understand who hasnt been through it.
I'm just petrified of it getting worse and worse, and I know this cant happen because I need to be functioning for my son.
Thanks for reading, if you've got this far, it feels good to get it out