How do i forgive?

[insomniac]

This may sound a little harsh, but my mother has always been a thorn in my side. Despite this though i have always loved her unconditionally & gone out of my way to help her out.

My mother is always 'sick'. If she doesn't have kidney disease or tumours she is dying of emphysema. That was when i was 8 & i'm nearly 30 now & she is still alive. I just can't take her seriously.

On top of all that she chain smokes & is a serious alcoholic. She never rings me when she is sober, she sits at home all day in her tiny unit complaining about how no one loves her or wants to see her yet she doesn't try & better her life. She hasn't had a paid job since i was 4. I'm just sick of this "poor me" bull****.

We had an argument around xmas last year. I had hold of some sensitive information about a deceased family member. I know it was stupid but i told my mum just trying to get it off my chest & i didn't think she would repeat it. Anyway she went to the first person who wasn't supposed to hear it which was her mother (my grandma) & blabbed.

Soon after i stopped talking to mum & tried to cut any contact with her. It was the straw that broke the camels back. Anyway my mum decides to pull her usual stunt of "oh i'm sick please don't be angry with me." Two weeks later she has a stroke & is in hospital. My grandma rings me & says please see your mum she needs you blah blah blah.

Ok now your probably all going to hate me- i refused to see her. I was scared that she had the stroke but really hesitant because i thought is this just another one of her tricks? I know people can't fake a stroke, but i thought she might have been making it sound worse than it actually was.

My mum recovered thankfully but i still refused to see her. My grandma rings me one day & asks if i can see my mum & to bring the kids etc. I tried to tell my grandma about how mum has psychologically abused me for so long i don't know what to believe anymore. She then has the gall to tell me that i'm no longer her grandchild & hung up. WTF! I know she has my mum's best interests at heart but that is just cold. Now the rest of my family knows what is going on but is pressuring me to forgive both my mum & grandma. Why should i? I've put up with so much i've had a gutful. Am i that horrible?

[2s'nuff]

no you're not horrible. Although slightly different, my mum has been sick since I was 11 with one thing or another and has continually played mind games with us throughout. She still (25 years later) comes down with something new (major/minor/life threatening) every few months. A while ago I reached a point where I no longer cared. I respond to a new illness with 'oh, ok' and that's about it. So I know where you're coming from.

Do what feels right for you and your kids. It's no fun being around someone who is constantly sick (or thinks or pretends they are) or feels all the attention has to be on them because of it. Don't worry about what others think, it's not been them under the constant emotional abuse for all those years.

Lisa

[Cicho]

b y
No, you are not selfish.

Yes, you are doing the right thing.....

If you have a look back through this section you will see plenty of posts by me. I have very minimal contact with my mother. It is just not healthy for me.

My family does not give me a hard time because they all know how destructive she can be, but people who don't know me well tend to say "oh, but you only have one mum", or, "it cant be that bad". Hmmmmmm.
Do what is right for you. Be upfront with your Grandma ( Is that your mum's mum? ). If she chooses not to support your decision then you may have to limit contact with her too...

Tough, I know. But you need people who will support you.

Good luck to you.

Im here if you need an ear

[Me]

I am going through something similar in the sense that I cut contact with my brother when dd2 was born(5 months ago) and have been getting pressure for the past few weeks to forgive him. My decision was that no, he hurt me so much at what was supposed to be 1 of the most special weeks of my life. Sorry if it's not convenient to him to forgive him right now, but hey I'm just not ready yet.

Are you ready to forgive either your mum or your grandma? IMO, forgive when you are ready. But that said, if your mum is quite ill, how would you feel if you never get the chance to say to her "I forgive you"?

Best of luck, it's not an easy decision to make

[BabelFish]

My Mum used to say something to me `You will always love your family, but you don't have to like them'. It sounds as though you still love your Mum but you hate what she's done to you and you have finally had enough. That's totally fair and you're not horrible at all.

Your Mum is obviously sick, not the things that she makes up, but sick in the sense that she has perhaps psychiatric issues and also her addiction issues. That may be totally out of her control, and many people suffer for many, many years without being capable of doing anything about it. In that sense, I really feel sorry for her.

Having said that, your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. You care about her and you love her, and yet that doesn't give her license to walk all over you, emotionally abuse you and destabilise your life and your confidence because of her problems.

I would suggest some counselling - not for you both, but just for you. Things handled in anger, bitterness or spite will only hurt you in the end, and that's not fair - you've been hurt enough. Counselling is an invaluable resource and will help you find that forgiveness you seek, or help you move on from your mother and her issues in a healthy way, without further damage to you or your confidence.

Best of luck

[insomniac]

Thank you for your replies ladies. They were all very helpful in seeing my situation from a different point of view. I'm not capable of hating anyone even if they have really hurt me but i'm sick of being walked on too because people know i have a good nature.

The whole point is if my mum was really sick & she needed me, i might not believe her & i won't get that chance to say goodbye. In truth my mum has had genuine health problems both physical & psychiatric throughout her life but she uses it as her crutch & for people to feel sorry for her.

I blame my grandmother alot for mum's behavior i think. My aunt has told me my grandma pulled the same kind of stunts & would gain attention that way.

I thought after the birth of my children my mum might pull her head out of her butt & step up to the plate by being a grandma but she failed there too. She rang me up last week to tell me she couldn't afford to buy my boys a present. She forgot my bday this year, yet she rang everyone up asking if they wanted to come to her birthday lunch! Yeah right. She must really hate me.

Her care worker rung me last week to say she popped around to my mum's to help her but she was drunk & her house was full of sleeping people. I know i should just give up shouldn't i?

[aquarius]

to you insomniac, my mum sounds v similar to yours. there is only so much you can do for people who refuse to help themselves, there comes a point when you have to save your energy for yourself and your kids, you can't be wasting it on people who suck you dry. your mum has issues and only she can solve them. surround yourself with people who love you and enjoy your life, safe in the knowledge you will never treat your kids as she has treated you xx

[sharonnscotty]

I have an extended sibling (who while not alcoholic and not drug addicted) I have just reached the very END of my string with. I am polite, but never go over, never phone and am just happier this way. Everytime I try to build a bridge I get burnt or have to put up with her crap... yep another one who just wont help herself or her kids...

I used to feel sorry for the kids - buy them winter clothes, drive them whereever they needed to go (sometimes just to get them outta the house).... Now I have to remind myself - they are not my kids, they have parents, and they are not my responsiblity... it is hard, but make the decision and stick with it,,,, in the long term you will be happier!

[SuperGranny]

hi , i agree with aquarius, you need people who will support you and not bleed you dry. One thing just to think about forgiveness, when you do forgive your mum, you will also forgive yourself. You are right in feeling hurt and punished by the terrible childhood you have had, and your mother has been dealing with her own demons for her lifetime. Both of you deserve better and it is just how the cards have been dealt this time. Your grandmother has had her role in the problems too, and she may need forgiving one day. My thoughts, forgiveness, is something that will happen when the time is right, forgiveness is of benifit to everyone involved, you will not feel disadvantaged when you do finally forgive, instead you will feel a freedom, and maybe even happiness when you do. This has not been easy for you, and it will not get any easier for a while yet, but when the time is right things will change. best wishes, Marie.

[BigRedV]

This might not sound very constructive but how about buying her a copy of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"

I thought of it after reading your second post.