DH's Ex is back in contact!!

**newmum2one** · 30-06-2006 09:44

I need some advice...
About a week ago DH's mum forwarded a letter from one of his ex's to us that had been sent to him c/o her place. I was a bit concerned as to why she would be in contact, and DH is very sketchy on the details. Apparently she hurt him very badly when they were going out and was writing to apologise how ever many years later. DH has told me a little (very little) about what happened, and I know it took a long time for him to trust girls again. In fact when we were going out he was very unsure of himself and had to psych himself up for coming to see me/asking me out etc. We had worked through all that and everything was great, until her letter came. Now DH feels bad and some of the hurt is resurfacing. I've only seen a few of their emails but he wrote in one that this girl hadn't hurt him as badly as another of his ex's did.
I try to make sure he knows this rubbish is all in his past, and I know he is happy now with DS and me. I have tried to talk to him, and tell him all the time how lucky I am etc, I try to look after him really well but I can tell he thinks about how this girl hurt him a bit lately.
What else can I do to ease his new hurt, and to get rid of the cow?

**damien's mum** · 30-06-2006 09:49

Why is ur MIL passing on this letter??
That would be my question..
All you can do, is be there to support him, understand that it is opening, wounds.. and be there to heal them.. But never never ignore you gut insinct!

**Sarie** · 30-06-2006 09:49

I don't know how to help your situation really. But my DH's ex got back in contact with him last year on his birthday. He was the dumper, so I'm not too concerned and he shows me her emails, so I know whats going on. They don't talk very often only every few weeks and she is also married with kids and lives up north.
Sorry I couldn't help you,

**newmum2one** · 30-06-2006 09:54

I was concerned about MIL passing on that particular bit of mail too. We don't get on but I don't think that was the reason...
I'm not worried about his ex trying to break up our marriage or anything, more that she's decided to make herself "feel better" (her words) but she obviously didn't think about how it would affect DH and his current relationship. I think its rotten to do this to him, especially as she dragged out the apology/explanation over 3 emails.

**Blessed Mum** · 30-06-2006 10:06

I'm sorry to say but I would not be happy with this. As you have said it has taken 3 years & if its purely to make herself feel better she could of written it & then burnt it or whatever. I would understand if they had to still remain in contact through a child or family or mutual friends. I would make how you feel very clear to your husband & ask if the intentions are for them to remain in contact & I would watch m-i-l. She could of asked her son first whether or not he wanted the letter instead of just passing it on - that's jmo.

Good luck & I hope she dissappears again

**LA62** · 30-06-2006 10:08

If it was me i would email he back and tell her to get lost, why should she feel better, she has nothing to do with you, your hubby of your life.

Good luck

***Chels*** · 30-06-2006 13:44

the ex should just get over it-and herself!!if they broke up years ago,why is she apologising now???????
i wouldnt stress too much about it.your partner might feel a bit weird coz of hearing from her.not that this is the same but i just read my diaries from when i was younger,and reliving the pain of exs being wankers put me in a weird headspace.I soon got over it tho.
So hes prob just in a weird headspace at the mo.Im not really making sense sorry

Good luck with it

**Poopa** · 30-06-2006 13:49

I find it strange that your DH is not telling you all the details. Have you asked him about it?

If my DF received a letter from his ex he would let me read it. Without me even asking.

Maybe ask him to let you in on how he feels and tell him to tell you what's going on.

**SassyMummy** · 30-06-2006 15:54

Wow...there are some very sceptical replies here!

I would suggest that the MIL gave your DH the letter because the letter is addressed to HIM - not to her. There's no reason to suspect that she's up to anything...she's just the messenger after all. Her giving him the letter means nothing - he could have chosen not to open it, after all.

Perhaps the reason the girl is apologising is because she has grown up! Maybe she has realised just how badly she had treated him and wanted to let him know that she was sorry. It could also be because she needs some proper closure. Perhaps, by giving her thoughts and feelings and paper, she can feel as if she'd handed all of her baggage away, and she no longer has to deal with it. Just because she was the one who ruined things, that doesn't mean she also didn't feel pain...maybe she just needed to send him the letter in order to move on. Perhaps, it may help HIM move on as well (after the initial hurt).

If I were you, I would NOT read the letter. It's got nothing to do with you (even though his moods affect you)...it's something HE has to deal with. You and he are both very lucky that he's been able to rebuild his trust in women...would you really want to ruin that by BREAKING his trust and sneaking around just so you can "be in the know" in regards to the letter? If YOU break his trust...maybe he will never trust again. You really don't want to go there.

**Poopa** · 30-06-2006 16:00

Originally Posted by SassyMummy

I would suggest that the MIL gave your DH the letter because the letter is addressed to HIM - not to her. There's no reason to suspect that she's up to anything...she's just the messenger after all. Her giving him the letter means nothing - he could have chosen not to open it, after all.

Yes. But as for the rest of your post, I think it's her business. If your partner had a letter from his ex and he was acting strange, wouldn't you want to know?