They don't get along

**mummybl** · 27-06-2006 11:40

Hi All,

I have two teenage children from a previous relationship and have been with my new hubby for 7 years. My kids were 9 and 7 when we first started going out. We have been married for 5 years now and have a 8 month old baby boy together. My problem is that as each year passes my hubby and kids seem to hate each other more and more (and yes i mean hate) it just seems my hubby only wants to discipline them (which is fine with me)
(when its within reason) but he never gives them any praise or any possitive feed back at all.
Whenever i talk to him about it he says why do i always have to stick up for the kids, why arnet i on his side?

I'm so at my wits ends, is anyone in a similar situation or has anyone got any advice.

me _ 36
dh - 39
ds - 16
dd - 14
ds - 8 months

**InSaneOne** · 27-06-2006 13:10

you caould ask him nicely if he could let you dicipline the children (at least the older ones) i let my dh disapline his children for the major things but if they are just fighting with each other i yell at them to stop. i also give them praise when they help me with something or be good and play nicely with each other. i realsie that they aren't MY children and i am not their mother or their father. i kinda take on a big sister/ babysitter role with them.

if that doesn't help

to you and maybe have a family talk where the kids can say what they hate and maybe how they would prefer to be deisaplined when they have done something wrong. (do they say to him "your not my father, you can't tell me what to do"??)

**~Emmylou~** · 27-06-2006 13:58

I agree with Billieandbeth - in fact I would go so far as to say he really shouldn't be disciplining them at all.

My mother remarried when I was about 13 and my stepfather never played a disciplinary role with us. My dad was in a defacto relationship for many years after the split and likewise the pseudo "stepmum" did not discipline us either. That is a parent's job and he's not their parent, nor should he try to be. Any disciplining that's required should be left to you for the most part.

Your kids feel like he is trying to be their father when he's not. Trust me I've been in their shoes. Even if their real dad isn't in their lives at all, they will still resent anyone else trying to fill his shoes and rightfully so.

Your husband needs to understand that he's not the third child here competing for your attention. There needs to be clear boundaries that both you and he are in charge, there is no such thing as "taking sides" but it's only natural for you to defend your kids if you feel he is being too tough on them.

Stepfamilies are sticky particularly when there are teenagers involved - we had 4 kids in our blended family all in their early teens

Hang in there it will get better but the worst thing he can do is try to play the role of authoritarian dad.

**mummybl** · 27-06-2006 14:07

thanks guys for your replies,

i suppose there is so much more to it, it would be such a long post. billie&beth
the kids have never once said that to him, they actually didnt have a big prob with him discplining them it was just how harsh he was with no comprimising or no praise for anything that they did good. what to do when your stuck in the middle?

**Blessed Mum** · 27-06-2006 14:49

mummybl - I really feel for you, it must be a hard situation. I am the step-parent in my case & I set re-inforced our family rules but always have expected DH to discipline his children. In my case I was the only mother figure in my S-S' life for a long time & he calls me mum but in the back of my mind I have always had the set rule that he is not my child & therefore I do not discipline other people's children. For the record he is about to turn 17 & we are really close even though we have clashed & will undoubtedly again & when he needs someone to talk to he can come to me. I guess there is no real way around this if you are not comfortable with your husband doing the discipline or happy with it you need to tell him & see if you can work out a compromise. Remember they are your children, they will look to you to look out for their best intrests. Good luck

**Jo_Jo** · 27-06-2006 15:59

oh hell i know this situation, my partner was the same but i would not have it we had some doozy,s about it and i respect what he had to say but parenting is not all about dicipline as you would know, hey you have been a mum for a long time so what you have to say he should listen to and take a bit of notice, he has to come to terms that they do need positive things said and love from there stepdad or they will be very resentfull......i found when rod did positive stuff if he did not get a instant reaction it would be like stuff it, well it does not work that way hey, if you stick at it stay positive and keep working at it then you get the reaction it,s all paying off now for him and they respect him and love him and he has been there step dad for 6 years, sure my 15 year old can still do the teenage rant but as i have told him they do that with every parent....goodluck to you mate as these times seem to really get at us mums, i have a 14 month old and i have found he has really realised how you stick up for your kids no matter who there dad is it,s a mums instinct........he has settled heaps since ej has arrived realising now kids are not perfect and parenting is great but takes alot of effort, love and bloody patience.

cheers....jo

**aggero** · 27-06-2006 16:56

Ok, so I am going to throw a spanner in the works.....I don't seen why, as you have been togther for 7 years and they live with you, your DH shouldn't discipline your kids. I have been involved in my DSD's life for the past 6 years and both DH and I agree that she needs to recieve discipline equally from each of us as we are both her "parents"......anyway this is a little off track from your problem. Maybe this 'hatred" is because worse because of the age your kids are at and will improve as they mature???Have you considered family counselling?

**mummybl** · 27-06-2006 17:36

your right aggero he should discipline them and they do what they are told and are very good kids but i think my hubbies expectations are to high.
Let me give u an example.

On saturday dd was asked to clean her room, so she did, sunday morning she had her first shift at work so we were in a hurry she did not make her bed and there was one lolly rapper on the floor next to her bin which was half full so dh took her bedroom door off and told her she was a dirty pig. I just dont think that is right. Dh never even congratulated her on getting a job.

We have been to counselling but the counseller wasnt very good, maybe we should try again but i wonder if it is just to late to keep trying.

**pegasus** · 28-06-2006 00:59

Hi Mummybl,

I agree after reading your last post that how your hubby is disciplining does sound a bit harsh.

I'm the step mum in our family and I do discipline the two step kids more than their father although that's because I spend more time with them. If they stay during school holidays, then their dad's at work etc. I sometimes go round specifically looking for good things I can catch them doing so I don't always seem to be just telling them off (although it's amazing how some things get so frustrating - eg like every single day, asking them to hang towels up instead of leaving them on the floor to get mouldy...you get the picture). I also try to do something with each of the kids any day they stay with us (like drawing a picture, or working on a model car). I only hope that in years to come, they'll remember the times we did stuff together and that I will be disciplining less (although that doesn't seem likely, as I always seem to be repeating the same stuff).

I'm going to quote guru Dr Phil here (so tune out if you don't agree with him), but he's said that the step parent can't be the primary disciplinarian unless they've been in the child's life since before about 4. In my case I've been in the kids' lives since they were 2 and 4 and they accept that I'm part of the family they share with their dad.

Bottom line is that I would be encouraging your hubby to spend some time (whether 15min a day or whatever) to sit down with your son and daughter to do something just for them (whether kicking a footy, or looking at school work etc), also to see if there is a chance that he can catch them doing something good. It can be tricky to talk to your spouse about this stuff as the blended family is a frustrating and tricky one, but at the end of the day, time is really short that we really get to spend with our kids under our roofs. It amazes me that with DSD and DSS being 13 and 11 (respectively) they'll likely only be staying with us for another 5 - 7 years which is less than the time we've already spent with them!

So the other advice is to choose your battles.