Hello, Welcome and Yay!!!

**Loopy Linda** · 22-07-2009 16:00

thanks molly.

**mollyk99** · 28-07-2009 21:34

Originally Posted by my_lot

Such good advice molly, thankyou.

I already had my own idea on set times for things, ive just never really got there with my tween as she was still to young. Ive also never had it questioned, let alone by a teenager!

and she does make me sit back and think "am i too hard?", "do i expect too much?" ect. but i know she is doing that because she didnt have the same rules and expectations at home. Its hard for her to follow too.

Did you have home time, bed time ect set in cement or different for whats going on and each teen?

Good grief, old age has hit... I could have sworn I replied to this....

No, you're not too hard. Its your home, your parenting style, and your rules. If they are reasonably fair, it's all good.

Yes, all of ours had/have different bedtimes. Not by much, but everyone goes to bed youngest to eldest, its a 'privilege' and they get wildly excited about 'their' rules.

Same with the milestones... if no child under the age of 15 is allowed to watch an MA movie, then the next one along isn't allowed to any earlier...believe me, to this day I can remember that I wasn't allowed a bike til I was 11 but my younger brother got one when HE was 9. Such are the burning injustices of childhood, lol.

Also, responsibilities... older kids do 'harder' things, and younger ones practically kill to be allowed to do housework (rofl) that fits into a harder bracket (because it means they're more grown up, lol.) If only they knew....

My (probably contentious) view is that kids should be kids. Fairies and hearts and flowers and Santa and magic, for as long as you can. Being an adult sucks, I wanted them to be kids for as long as I could keep it that way.

I've no idea if that answered the question, but I tried!

Molly.

**Loopy Linda** · 29-07-2009 14:05

hi, just quickly, man an extra 2 kids can be so much work! lol but i am loving it too!

**mollyk99** · 29-07-2009 20:48

Hey Linda,

Thinking of you! When we got our girls (the youngest was in hospital for 6 months, so that's another story) it was months before things settled down.

The honeymoon period lasts (the counsellors told us) around 18 months before they truly trust they are safe and staying. We found it was around that long. THEN they got naughty

but we chose to take it as a sign that they felt secure, lol.

We just went with rules, rules, rules. Gentle rules, but rules none-the-less. Bedtime, meal times, snack times, manners, clothes, hygiene... it was one rule after another but always the same.

With your 'vague' one, its sounds like just plain disorientation and boundary finding, to me. She may never have had to sit and focus and concentrate before. With the school, I"m sure you'll put a plan together to help her understand her boundaries and how she fits into this new world.

Good luck and enjoy. And yell if you need a shoulder, lol, it's a hard adjustment for everyone!

Molly.

**Loopy Linda** · 30-07-2009 23:46

thanks.

18mths...sweet i will take that! lol

hope your family is all well. better go..i should be asleep by now!

**Loopy Linda** · 03-08-2009 22:56

hmm, little quiet.

**mollyk99** · 03-08-2009 23:15

You poor thing, the joys of families, hey?

Well, the whole piercing thing.... I have no idea if there is actually a law about piercing anything other than your ears but you could check that out and quote from it extensively, lol.

How long have you got to go til she's 12... because I find going 'hmmm, really, that's nice dear' quite useful when it came to avoiding things. Failing that bribery was often quite useful where there was a family, erm, parenting disagreement.

You can also suggest to DH that quite frankly, life will be a lot easier if he remembers the magic parenting phrase 'So what did your mother/aunt/guardian/father/uncle say about THAT?' and having the discussion with you privately and not in front of the child currently and happily playing you off against each other. They also learn quickly that one 'parent' will not give them a different answer to the other. (You two may not agree, but you can 'not agree' privately.)

With the FIL... can you (not so subtly), when he calls, say things like 'OMG, they'll ALL be so happy to hear from you!!! ' and maybe put them on the phone in some sort of order (eldest to youngest, girls before boys, whatever works out so that its not just around the 'newbies')?

I found that the 'revoltingly cheerful and helpful' to order things the way I wanted worked quite well from time to time!

(And just for the record, you're nowhere near as mean as me! Ears at 13, nothing else til either 18 or out of the house. My 23yo had her belly button done at 19 but didn't tell me for a year, rofl)

**ohmum** · 04-08-2009 00:54

Hi,
I went to school with a girl who was living with her grandparents we were friends at school her mum died (car crash) when she was 6 and her dad died (cancer) when she was 14 she is now a lawyer and very well adjusted her grandmother is still alive and I see her from time to time very well adjusted and her grandparents did a great job!

**Loopy Linda** · 04-08-2009 11:31

oh mum, thanks.
how are your kids going? did you have them in the beginning without knowing how long they will be in care for?

**mollyk99** · 04-08-2009 20:35

Hi Linda, our munchkins are fine, if that was directed at me, lol,

Two and a half years in, we're on track and doing well. Huge amount of hard work though.

The girls were in counselling for over a year, I recommend it... it's someone that isn't you, trained to deal with issues.

No, we are a bit different to you in the custody arrangement. We responded to a family crisis (made headlines Australia wide so I'll avoid the details if you don't mind) and then
a) went to DoCs and said 'hand 'em over' and THAT is a whole other story
b) went to court to gain full, permanent, legal custody with all parental input stripped from the mother and boy is THAT a story in itself.

So we were never a temporary option, which at least gave us the confidence to parent with a view to the long term.

If your 8yo is lying constantly, it's most likely because she's had to lie all her life to avoid consequences (forgive me if I'm making an incorrect assumption.)

I would really recommend working with professional counsellors and a trauma/abuse team - all of you, the whole family - to provide a constant, consistent and never varying response to certain triggers, actions, and behaviours.

Its such a long hard haul, but it is worth every single second in the end.

And we know, that even if one day they turn around and walk away, we did the very best we could.

Our two girls used to talk about 'doing nothing' when they grew up too. I mean, what can you expect? Thats the example they had.

I used to burst out laughing and tease them about it.

"Oh yes, well THAT will be useful when you want to go on holiday to Dreamworld and have no money!"

"Golly, how bored are you going to be?" and never buy into it really seriously, I used to joke about it.

Now, they both have an idea, from example, that if you want it, you work for it, work is fun if you get to choose it yourself, and a career means you can be a mum and then spoil your kids.

I know the SAHM's might wish to start a discussion on that, but we're not talking here about whether or not being a SAHM is bad. We're talking about bringing girls up to make sensible choices including being a SAHM, not that it's a career choice in itself.

We find, truly, that joking around, humour and fun are the best ways to deal with some of the cr*ppier things they come out with.

God, I didn't mean to write a novel, I'm sorry!