Hello, Welcome and Yay!!!

**mollyk99** · 15-07-2009 19:37

I asked BubHub if they would be kind enough to start a forum for those of us who are 'parenting again'.... who through circumstances beyond our control, are now parents to our grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or children of close friends, through the wide variety of ways that extra kids come to us.

I'm looking forward to meeting other people who - just when they thought it was safe to buy a 2 bedroom inner city terrace and live the cafe lifestyle -

suddenly found themselves with a 'second parenting lease on life'.

Come on in! The water is warmer the second/third/fourth time around.

cheers,

Molly
Parent of Five - 23 to 4.

**my_lot** · 16-07-2009 07:50

Hi

I noticed this last night. Im happy to join you, but we were no where near living a cafe lifestyle

We are looking after a relatives teenager, have four little people also at home, tween to toddler, and Dp aslo has a teen but not living with us. So not really second time....Infact more like ground ive never walked before and now im sh!t scared of my own kids being this age

But it is fun and always interesting. Looking forward to chatting some more...and dreaming of that condo.

**mollyk99** · 17-07-2009 07:20

Hi My_Lot and goodness, you have a houseful, as they say!

We did dream of the cafe lifestyle while we were parenting teenagers (there isn't a Smilie for 'runs around the room going aaarrrggghhh!) and when we packed them off to study and had our lives back we did attempt to put it into action.... alas, 3 more turned up and we had to resign ourselves to hanging out in Macca's instead of Luciano's or The Perfect Bean, rofl.

I think my biggest (secret) peeve is that I really, really wanted to zip about in a small and sporty car, and somehow, I just don't feel special in the people-mover!!!!

**Loopy Linda** · 20-07-2009 07:33

Originally Posted by mollyk99

I think my biggest (secret) peeve is that I really, really wanted to zip about in a small and sporty car, and somehow, I just don't feel special in the people-mover!!!!

rofl this is me! i was about to buy my first ever brand new car. i was going to buy a kia rio, those tiny little hatches.

**my_lot** · 20-07-2009 13:28

Linda, its taken us a good few months to be able to look at our situation and see that the kids are settling down. Its still not wonderful but better.

I have had to set aside time for my own in certain ways so they dont feel left out but its so hard to not leave anyone out in one day.

We use the drive/walk home from school to each have a turn sharing our day that kind of cools off the yelling at the dinner table where they all try to go over each other to be heard.

You will have to get something ready for yr 2 & 3yr olds to do while its homework time because they can really disturb the goings on of homework. Maybe something they can do that you only bring out at homework time, like puzzles or colouring ins, so they feel part of the homework thing too. Homework for four school aged kids just takes up sooo much time! Youll have to be sure to give the same time to your kids so their education doesnt suffer and you might find yourself having to help the others where the parents may not have been putting in the effort.

The way they were parented will rub off on your own kids. It amazing what little things they will pick up. Even if its just slang words or what they do and dont eat, you might find your pushing the limits on what they are and arent allowed. Your kids will suddenly have this whole other world in their faces as much as the new kids will feel your world so new and different. It could be easier in your family as your eldest is still the eldest. Mine is no longer and has a poorly parented child to look up to. I feel like im fighting an uphill battle on keeping her her age and with the same respect, morals and values we raised her with.

Keep the kids busy in the afternoons to stop the nitpicking. Make sure they all know they can retreat to a quiet place when another is bugging them. Ours found our house so busy that i had to remind her to have some quiet time rather than yell or swear at the younger kids. Likewise i had to tell the younger ones to leave our new family member in peace sometimes!

Have you got beds and clothes all sorted? Do you know how long you will have care? and what ever did happen to the other sibling that had a dif parent?

**Loopy Linda** · 20-07-2009 21:34

whoops lost it

**mollyk99** · 21-07-2009 09:10

Hi Linda, sorry I wasn't online last night, I have the lurgy (which I refuse to grace with the name, The Flu).

The three youngest came to us from DoCs, at the ages of 5,4 and 2. The 2yo was in hospital for 6 months so we were juggling that as well as integrating these two incredibly abused little girls.

Yes, its permanent. We went to court and gained custody. That's a whole other story but in the end we were given full parenting 'control' (rofl) over all three of them so they cannot (and will not) be going back.

Things we found helpful:

Absolute rock solid rules, non-negotiable. The only way they were going to be able to integrate was by 'relearning' everything and how we did it in our family.

Examples: Bedtime is at 7.30. Read in bed (or have a story read, either or) Lights out at 8. We didn't vary that for the first year, really.

Before bed, bring out your lunchbox, get your school clothes ready for the next day, shoes at the front door, pyjamas on, clean teeth, brush hair, wash face .... I made and laminated signs with pictures.

They didn't feel so insecure if they could 'figure out' what was going to happen next at all points in the day.

They were seeing a counsellor each, to work through issues, and we had to learn ourselves from the counsellors how to handle them talking about what happened to them - you know, what are the right answers, and the wrong answers when they come out with something that just made your blood boil.

The school were fantastic and helped us immensely as well, everyone had to be onboard so it was like Team OurHouse.

Chores gave them a sense of responsibility, rules gave them a sense of security, and the right response s to the terrible things they told us taught them it was OK to talk about it and no one would blame them.

I could go on for pages but it might be easier if you asked a question here and there and I'll address them one at a time, lol.

And please, ask me anything anytime. Its a huge thing you've done, you need support and you need to look after yourself, too.

Molly.

**my_lot** · 21-07-2009 22:35

Such great advice

Works for all ages but any really great tips for teens ??

**mollyk99** · 21-07-2009 23:34

Originally Posted by my_lot

Such great advice

Works for all ages but any really great tips for teens ??

I believe that both condoms and the pill are a great preventative measure for you ever having to have teenagers.

Teens, mmmm. We've had two. Now in their twenties.

It didn't vary greatly from the above: Rock solid rules. I found the phrase 'You would know best, of course' to be good at defusing things.

Never make a threat you won't carry out, also worked.

We did lots of prepartory work, I guess. We had 'milestones' well defined in advance, so things like

"no makeup til 13, when you can wear clear mascara and clear lipgloss, 15 you can wear coloured mascara and lipgloss, and I'll teach you how to do your makeup so you don't look like a tart....."

I threw the scales out when #1 was 9, I didn't want her weighing herself at all - if you're getting taller, you're going to get heavier so no point stressing about it.

I also - god forbid, I'm sure the entire wrath of bubhub is about to fall on my head - had keystroke logging software on the computer. I accepted that they were going to do stuff they shouldn't, and I could live with that, as long as I knew what it was and where and when. To this day they've never worked out why we used to 'suddenly' go and visit rellies in the country, or be going somewhere for dinner (on a night I had already worked out they were going to be up to something.)

I had our rules on sex, on smoking, on drugs, on alcohol, and all of them were discussed early on, and repeated ad nauseum.

Its a hard one.... I truly believe, preparation is the key... work out what the rules are early, reiterate them from the first time they ask (When can I have a drink at home? Can we have alcohol at my 16th? - think about what those rules are and set the expectations early) and just keep repeating yourself for ten years or so

.

We used humour - I have teased them silly since they were little - and we ourselves don't do sulking or door slamming so they didn't either.

Now, I've got to see if it works for the next three!!!!!!

Happy to share on any of the above if you need to know, just ask!

Molly.

**my_lot** · 22-07-2009 08:13

Such good advice molly, thankyou.

I already had my own idea on set times for things, ive just never really got there with my tween as she was still to young. Ive also never had it questioned, let alone by a teenager!

and she does make me sit back and think "am i too hard?", "do i expect too much?" ect. but i know she is doing that because she didnt have the same rules and expectations at home. Its hard for her to follow too.

Did you have home time, bed time ect set in cement or different for whats going on and each teen?