Support for Bottle Feeders who Wish They Were Breastfeeders

[CrankyAndTired]

THIS IS A SUPPORT THREAD, NOT A DEBATE THREAD. THIS IS ONLY FOR BOTTLE FEEDERS WHO WISH THEY WERE BREASTFEEDERS.

I think its important for us women who have tried and "failed" to breastfeed to have a place to grieve the loss of that loss.

There were a number of reasons why bfing didnt work out for me and Rome, reflux, and his intollerances didnt help but ultimately I needed to be on medication which could not safelt be taken while breastfeeding.. and suffering severe PND I gave up bfing and swtiched to medicated formula.

Rationally, it was definately the best decision for both me and my baby.. but I still feel sadness that we dont share that special breastfeeding relationship. I still wish I could take him to my breast for comfort and for the "best" food for him..

I carry with me a small sense of grief - and hope things will be different for our next baby..

[shockinamillion]

What a great idea, I was only thinking last night how down all these breastfeeding threads were getting me.

I REALLY wanted to breastfeed and gave it an almighty go.

Big BBs little premmie mouths and bubs both spitting me out and sucking on the end put an end to that.

I even tried nipple sheilds but my boy refuses them and my girl would not stay on for longer than 10 mins and then she would start screaming for a feed.

I expressed and BF for a month and am very happy with that but I was starting to feel like an utter failure and feeling myself get VERY blue. I made the decision and am glad I did, but I still wish I could BF successfully, and if it started working I would do it in a second!!!

Hugs Livly, we did what we could and we are doing the best we can for our little ones!!

[LeeJ]

yup, great idea.

what would be good is actual information on bottle feeding, it is such a tabu, that finding credible info is really hard!

i wanted info on formulas, their pro's an con's, what i could do to optimise the health of my bub, and which formula would work best for us.

but the info just isn't out there, so we can't really make an informed decision, because we no real information. just the hogwash advertisments of the formula companies.

anyway, there's my rant!

i want REAL info on the formula, why they added this or that, and why it is benificial to bubs.


, it's a hard road girls.

[reAllytee]

Livly - I think I may have upset you last nite & for that I am sorry it truly wasnt my intention & words on a screen often dont come out like they are meant ...

Anyways I just posted THIS thread & am hoping you get something from it as I know it really helped me !

I still have days where I grieve & thats ok but I now know where a lot of my feelings lay & I deal with them iykwim.

I hope that in time you too are able to see you did the best you could

[beebs]

Great thread livly! Thanks for starting it - these breastfeeding threads are making me really upset too. I would've posted in your defense on the other one but it was locked by the time I got there!

I went through agony trying to breastfeed my son. Not breastfeeding was never an option - I'm from a feminist family - I was breastfed - it was normal. I didn't even have a bottle or anything in the house when it all started to go pear shaped.
Things weren't right from the begining - we had a traumatic birth and both my son and I ended up sick - I was on 6 weeks of antibiotics for a uterus infection and had 9 weeks of hemorrhaging due to left in placenta.
I had the usually problems breastfeeding but was just in exrutiating pain all of the time. I had cracked nipples, mastitis and what I thought and the Early childhood nurse thought was thrush which I was treated for over and over again. Still this agonising pain - it felt like my nipple was being cut off with a razor and then there would be these awful stabbing pains in my breasts for around 90 minutes after each feed - and then we'd have to do it all over again. I went to the lactation consultant at the hospy who said my latch was perfect - she couldn't understand why I was in so much pain. She noticed that my nipples changed colour after each feed and referred me to a rheumatoligist who did loads of tests and diagnosed me with none reynauds nipple vasospasm (quite rare - I've just been used as a case study at a national breast feeding convention) I tried everything that was reccommended - heat packs, suppliments - magnesium, calcium the lot and even nifedipine, but nothing worked. I moved to expressing because I couldn't take the agony anymore - I had gotten to the point where I would bawl when my son woke up - I would sit there pleading to the powers that be 'please dont let him wake up'....not very healthy for our relationship I have to say. After 3 months I was getting around 10- 70mls a day...my son was on 900mls so formula it was, and guess what. I actually enjoyed spending time with him after than - I didnt cry anymore when he woke up - and he was happy because he wasnt starving anymore.

I am currenlty pregnant with twins and having vasospasm again already and I'm not even breastfeeding. I was in agony the other night - it lasted 2 and a half hours and I was crying with pain (the cold had caused it) and then I get judgement from people about my decision to express and not breast feed - WTF!! How dare they.

I've rang ABA a couple of times and they have no idea - they reall dont. They keep saying things like when I tell them that I get it even when not bfing but when pregnant 'oh thats unusual' (um no, that happens to about 50% of women that have it' or 'you can still breastfeed your twins - have you tried heatpacks'?.......oh amazing - do you have vasospasm too? Because if not then you have no idea so keep your tips to yourself and tell me about breasstpump hire which is what I ask you about in the first place...maybe a little bit of research wouldn't go astray FFS. How dare some people on here try and make me feel bad about formula feeding - I feel bad enough as it is - I feel guilty and like Ive missed something special with my son. I feel bad enough as it is without namless faceless internet people making me feel worse than I already do.

After 6 months I was also diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety,panic and agoraphobia - I was a mess was on anti ds and in therapy trying to get myself together for my new baby...and still the critisims came. I had a man tell me that formula feeding was dangerous - without even knowing my history!

I was up at the hospy the other day and talking to a midwife - when I mentioned I would be expressing and not bfing for the twins she looked angry -slammed the book she had open and turned on her heel and walked away when she was supposed to be booking me into some classes. Apparently I was not worth talking to And again - she didn';t know my history.

A bottle feeding mum who witnessed the whole thing said that she had done the same thing to her when she had asked about ff arragments there.

[LeeJ]

I was up at the hospy the other day and talking to a midwife - when I mentioned I would be expressing and not bfing for the twins she looked angry -slammed the book she had open and turned on her heel and walked away when she was supposed to be booking me into some classes. Apparently I was not worth talking to And again - she didn';t know my history.

A bottle feeding mum who witnessed the whole thing said that she had done the same thing to her when she had asked about ff arragments there.

wow, thats terrible, at least you are going to be trying to express! fantastic considering your cnodition!!!

they are supposed to support breastfeeding, but treating you like that is disgracful!

[CrankyAndTired]

Thanks for all the great responses girls!

It hurts me to hear how so many have suffered and beat themselves up for not "succeeding" in bfing.. I really think we need to provide support for when bfing doesnt work out - and thats what this thread is all about!

I remember being in tears when I gave up bfing, so I did what I always do - I went to a bookshop and looked for someone with similar experiences.. all I found were "Breastfeeding for Dummies" and similar books. There was nothing about how to deal with the grief of NOT being able to breastfeed my baby..

So its something of a passion of mine to support all mums, especially the ones like us who know breast is best and have to deal with the fact that our babies did not get the best milk - but they did get the best mummies!!!

Hugs all!

[reAllytee]

Oh I remember standing in the baby aisle at my local Woolies crying my heart out .....

Everyone took a wide berth

I was so devastated about it & thinking I was a total failure that I just stood & sobbed trying to work out what to use ...

That pretty much happened every time after when trying to find something that wouldnt see him vomit his guts up & make him violently ill ...

I just stood & sobbed.

[Phyllis Stein]

I'm a bottlefeeder who wishes they were a breastfeeder. Most on here know my story, but here's the short version anyway.

I breastfed DS from the moment he was born - he took to it like a fish to water. I battled supply issues for the first couple of months, but persevered and by the third month my supply had settled down. All that "comfort feeding" paid off.

Just before he was three months of age, I was putting DS into his car seat when my spine fractured. I assumed it was just an unfortunate accident, but that fracture was the first of many. I lost almost 4cm of my spine within a couple of weeks and needed to get on meds urgently or risk permament disability, but it meant stopping bf. The grief I felt at that was more overwhelming than the physical pain from my spine, I was a mess at losing such an incredible bond with my baby and distraught at the risks I was exposing him to through the use of artificial milk.

But all I got from family and some friends was minimisation of my feelings and well meaning but hopelessly misguided reassurance that "formula is as good as breastmilk". Way to dismiss my feelings and concerns! I chose to use donor breastmilk to feed DS, rather than rely on artificial milk.

I still get huge twinges of sadness and nostalgia when I see mums breastfeeding, but I absolutely, wholeheartedly support and embrace it.

The single biggest factor that has compounded my grief and loss has been the understandable but counter-productive attempts of people, online and IRL to downplay the importance of breastfeeding, while also dismissing the risks of artificial feeding. After having that relationship, bond and optimal food source wrenched from us, just when it was all falling into place, I feel very frustrated when I hear stories of mum's not succeeding at bf due to poor advice or support, or not attempting it at all. And I get angry when I hear non-breastfeeders regurgitate misinformation and perpetuate the cultural devaluating of breastfeeding, often unintentionally, sometimes to allay their own feelings of regret, grief, guilt, anger. A lot of unresolved emotion seems to surround breastfeeding in our culture.

As a bottle feeder, I *know* I am feeding my child an inferior product and that hurts! I know he is being exposed to risks and that scares me. It does not make me feel better to be told that artificial feeding is simply a 'choice', as though it is on a par with breastfeeding, so that my real feelings of grief, loss and fear are ignored and dismissed. Thankfully, I've come to a place of relative peace and acceptance of our loss, but it's been harder than it need be. If only we truly valued breastfeeding, we'd be much better able to support women who for genuine reasons, don't get to experience it.

[CrankyAndTired]

Oh I remember standing in the baby aisle at my local Woolies crying my heart out .....

Everyone took a wide berth

I was so devastated about it & thinking I was a total failure that I just stood & sobbed trying to work out what to use ...

That pretty much happened every time after when trying to find something that wouldnt see him vomit his guts up & make him violently ill ...

I just stood & sobbed.

I am close to tears myself just reading about your experience...

You're a great mum Ally