INSTEAD of smacking I...

**Jensha** · 16-06-2009 19:42

If my DD smacks, hits, bites me I will make a sad face and say Mummy doesn't like DD hitting me. It hurts me and makes me sad. Mummy doesn't hit DD so please don't hit Mummy.

If she is hitting, bites, kicks other kids instead of giving her heaps of attention I turn to the person she hurt and say something like DD look at *insert name* she looks so sad (make a bit of a fuss over the person that got hurt). I find most of the time if she hits or something it's to get attention so if she doesn't get it but the person that she actually hurts gets it she soon realises it's not working.

If she is doing something that I don't want her to do. I ask her not to do it and I always explain why.

IMO there is always a better way to teach them right from wrong then hitting. Hitting is wrong to do to adults and animals so why is it ok to hit our children when there naughty? What happened to communication and patience...

ETA - for a one year old. They dont understand that there hitting or hurting you. There not trying to be naughty they are too innocent. I would just do the same. Make a sad face and say ouch that hurt mummy.

**nothanksbye** · 16-06-2009 19:49

At 1 they are still learning cause and effect.

So really they just need to learn if you hit it causes pain and makes people sad.

You dont want to teach them that if you hit you get hit back.

Tit for tat isnt the best lesson for a 1 year old i think.

**Lucy in the Sky** · 16-06-2009 20:22

It's really great, Peppa, that you are looking for alternatives to smacking. It must be so frustrating to have your LO hit you, but I'm sure you will find a solution to help you through this phase.

Here is a website I found with lots of info about toddlers and the hitting stage.
http://www.parents.com/toddlers/development/discipline-spanking/toddler-hitting1/
There are a lot of other articles on this site as well that might help you.

Another great resource is Harvey Karp's book/DVD "Happiest Toddler on the Block". A lot of mums I know with 1yr+ babies swear by it. Maybe you could find a copy in your local library?

**ButterflyMama** · 16-06-2009 21:00

I don't agree with time out as a concept. It is with holding love in the eyes of a child.

Instead of smacking, I listen to what they are saying.

What are you teaching your child by smacking them?

**mim1** · 16-06-2009 21:55

Time out works for us. My ds used to bite at that age and it would really hurt. Pulling him off, saying 'oh', or 'you hurt mummy, don't do it again' just didn't work. No amount of sad faces worked. So, time out (at that age it was for 30 - 60 seconds max) was started. Within 2 days (and only 3 or 4 time outs in that time - all for biting) and the biting stopped and never recurred.

The concept of time out is to teach a child consequences. If they do something that hurts people there are consequences. It is NOT acceptable for your child to hurt you physically especially biting and hitting. If you let your child do this to you, they will do it to others in the future. You need to stop it early before it gets out of control.

So, to do timeout I recommend a warning to start with "that hurt mummy, if you do it again you are going to have a time out". Then if they do it again (in a short time frame, eg. 10 minutes) then it's time out time. Leave them in a safe place with no toys/tv to occupy them. Do not talk to them, preferably walk out of the room or at least turn your back. Then, at the end of time out you go to the child and get to eye level (very important) and say "remember that I told you not to .... because it hurt mummy. don't do it again. say sorry mummy." ... wait for the sorry (if your child can say it) and then say "thankyou. I love you" and give your child a hug.

You will be surprised what a 1 year old can understand. Keep your instructions about acceptable behaviour simple and consistent at all times and don't do time outs for little things. Time outs for a child mean they are separated from you because of their actions. This is the purpose and this is why time out works.

sorry for the long rant.

**Jensha** · 16-06-2009 21:57

I do time outs on occassion if DD won't listen to my reasoning. I agree with mim1's post.

**BabelFish** · 16-06-2009 22:03

Time out isn't withholding of love, perhaps it's a withholding of attention, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's not like you leave them in there for three hours. A minute or two at most, and they have the chance to relax, take a deep breath and collect themselves. I wouldn't use it willy nilly, for just anything. There would have to be quite a serious transgression for me to use time out. But my DD isn't old enough yet to require any kind of discipline.

Discipline is different to having boundaries though. She is old enough to learn that we don't whack the dogs on the nose, we don't bite Mummy, we don't pull Mummy's earrings out etc. She doesn't get in trouble, she just gets told `Gentle darling' or `That hurts Mummy' or `Softly' and so on. She's quite a gentle baby already but doesn't know her own strength (which is considerable).

She gave me a blood nose the other day when I was feeding her before bed. She likes to explore my face when she's feeding, she feels my eyelashes and eyebrows, puts her fingers in my mouth and feels my teeth and tongue, plays with my hair and my ears, and sometimes likes to put her little fingers in my nose. The other day she did that and then must have wanted to know what it would feel like if she hooked her finger in and pulled. Her little nail scraped the inside of my nose and immediately I started feeling it drip - I checked and it was dripping blood! I couldn't stop feeding her so I just had to sit there and try to contain it - she was quite fascinated by it all

I just said to her `no darling, gentle with Mummy's face' and moved her hand away. I gave her some of my hair to play with instead. Little kids are going to be curious and exploratory - I think they need boundaries a) for their own safety and b) to learn how to respect others but that's entirely different to discipline and punishment, which I think for kids aged at least 1 and under is pointless and unnecessary. Even under 18 months really.

**ButterflyMama** · 16-06-2009 22:12

So Mim you think threatening a child with isolation will teach them not to harm you?

**PeppaH** · 16-06-2009 22:30

Originally Posted by ButterflyMama

So Mim you think threatening a child with isolation will teach them not to harm you?

How is time out isolation? I thought it was a proven fact that time out is one of the best ways to disapline a child. I think you just need to see that not all children are goin to fear and hate their parents for teaching them what is right and wrong

**Hokey Pokey** · 16-06-2009 22:33

I like to get to eye level and talk to my girls about what they are doing and why it isn't nice. I don't like yelling or smacking. The older ones have time out, it isn't to isolate them by no means, they have a sit down in the same room as me, it's more a moment for them to just take a calm breathe, have a drink and some quiet down time. Then we have a little chat and a hug and it is all done and dusted.