I want another... he doesnt..EVER

**lil miss** · 24-03-2009 20:31

My dp dropped a bomb shell the other night... he never wants more kids... ever!! I was telling him how I was getting the strong feeling of wanting to have another, and comes out and tells me that! We both have a child each from our previous relationship, and unfortunately, his ex refuses to let him see his dd for no reason other than she wants him back and he wants to be with me (immature i know). He adores my dd (the same age as his dd), and she adores him- he's a great dad.

At first he said the reason for not wanting to have kids is cuz he already has one he doesn't see, and doesn't want to be in that situation again should we ever break up (at which point i told him the same thing i told my ex- he's the father and has every right to see his child, i would never stop that. I would do everything in my power to make sure they had a good relationship). Anywho, after a bit more pushing, he finally admittied that he doesnt want another cuz he likes his life style too much. I asked what did he think would happen when we move in together and he's with my dd all the time. He said thats different cuz she's at that independant stage, and we can have more freedom, like we dont have to worry about taking all the formula when we race down to the shops and stuff and that sort of thing. Basically, he likes the fact that dd is old enough to pretty much do her own thing and if we go somewhere she's quite happy cruising around til its time for sleep.

My argument is that I do most of the looking after anyway- he works away at the mines all week, so i figure the weekends are his to relax and enjoy for the most part (he still has to help with lil things). He wouldnt need to change his lifestyle a great deal, as he wouldn't be the primary carer of the baby. As long as every now and thne when i needed it, he'd look after the kids so i could have a break. he seemed to soften up a bit then, and said if it happens, we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

I love him, and I do see myself having kids with (something i never thought would happen after ex and i split). I want this relationship to work, but Im afraid this is going to become an issue in the future... what do u guys reckon? Should I stay and hope he changes his mind? Or cut my losses now and find someone who wants a family like I do?

I dont want to lose him.

**MamaKoala** · 24-03-2009 20:38

What a tough decision to have to make.

Does he know how important this is to you?
If you think it's a deal breaker then you need to tell him. You're so young and have a lot of years before your body stops producing viable eggs, and for him to shut that down without knowing how important it is will drive a wedge between you. You will begin to resent him.
Have another chat with him. Talk about maybe waiting until you are married (if you plan to) but make it clear that you want more children and that you will not be pushed into giving up that dream even if it means you two will not be together.
It is better that he has told you now rather than later. I would hate to be faced with that choice.
I really hope he hasn't closed to book on it but be prepared to walk away if you feel you cannot spend your life without more children.

**sockstealingpoltergeist** · 24-03-2009 20:43

I am going to be very honest with you.

I don't think he should have another one either. If he really cared for the DD he allready has he would do everything in his power to have access and ensure she has the father she deserves. The fact that he does not see her would ring alarm bells for me and I wouldn't be having one with him, no matter what his excuses are.

Secondly, if he doesn't want to have one due to life style factors then he really shouldn't have another. You may think he might not need to change his lifestyle much, but a reasonable adult would gladly change their life style if they wanted a baby, because we love them and would do anything for them.

Looking after children shouldn't be a chore or a hastle it should be a joy. Yes we all need a break and it is hard, all the more reason why I think it's unrealistic for you to promise that his life style won't have to change.

I would only have a child with a man who I knew was 100% committed and would love dearly to spend his time with that child.

**MsMummy** · 24-03-2009 21:12

Can I ask how old is your partner? If he's still quite young, then there's lots of time for him to mature and want the same things as you do.

I was very anti children until I was 27. People really can change in their ideas about whether they want children.

But I don't know if people change as to whether they will be committed to raising those children.

As to your comment that you would pretty much raise the baby, that's great, and you're obviously experienced in this, but ideally you would raise the baby in a partnership. It's something you deserve as a partner and a mother.

**Mrs Nietzsche** · 24-03-2009 21:29

I agree with Sock.

It rings alarm bells for me that you say he should be able to relax and enjoy his weekends.. just because a. so you should you! if he is away all week, you need a break! and b. relaxing and enjoying the weekend should be something he feels he does *with* his children, not in spite of them.

Absolutely do not agree with his reasons for having no contact with his daughter.

You sound like a wonderful supportive partner btw, he is lucky to have you.

**Mrs Mermaid** · 24-03-2009 21:30

My husband and I both have a 10yo son from previous relationships.

We are moving heaven and earth to try and have a baby together. Its so important to us. We have just lost our baby

and if anything its made our drive stronger.

I did make sure before we moved in together that we both had the same goals and having a child was a big part of that.

You are only 20yo Im guessing. That is very young to just agree to no more kids.

Will send you a pm.

**lil miss** · 24-03-2009 22:23

he does try to see her.. he rings almost every night but his ex wont let him talk to her. he drives down to see her (she lives 8.5 hours away), or makes plans with his ex to see her, and at the last minute his ex tells him she's got plans so he will have to come another time!! its not from lack of trying... trust me!!

yes, I am 20 and he is 21 (22 this year). i know we have a lot of time, but the truth is, i dont wanna wait til im older u know... my 1st dd wasnt an accident (as we left my family believe), we were trying for a year to fall pregnant.

**lil miss** · 24-03-2009 22:45

oh btw, it wasnt him saying about the weekends are his to relax, it was me. and i said that i dont mind as long as he gives me a break when i need it.

i was the same with dd... i did everything cuz in my mind, dp goes out and works 14 hr days 5 to 7 days a week., i stay home and take care of the baby. that is MY choice. to me, i am the one who chose to stay home, so it is my job to look after the kids and the house, while dp works his *** off.

**Looshkin** · 24-03-2009 23:41

I have to really agree with SSP
as harsh as it seems, no one wants to hear that sort of thing but from what you have said it all sounds iffy.

I don't know if he is just unaware of his rights as father to do mediation or whatever it is and organise legal advice for visitation the mother CAN NOT refuse, but regardless of why the mother is making things difficult, even if she is just being petty or vindictive, the bottom line is if he isn't seeing her, he isn't trying hard enough or doesn't want to try harder.

Everything I see, hear, read seems to say that when a man has one failed relationship with a child they end up having nothing to do with (for whatever reason) the same thing seems to either happen again, or the guy is too selfish to be the sort of dad I would want for my kids.

With saying he doesn't want kids.. I doubt love will not be enough for this relationship to work out.

My DF wasn't ready for kids for 9 years in our relationship, now at 28 he is ready to start trying although the entire time, from the time we met, we both agreed we wanted children and wanted a family one day.
So even know he wanted kids one day, he was honest that he was still too young, too self absorbed and not ready to fully commit himself to kids yet and be the dad he wanted to be.

The fact your partner is outright saying no more kids is another warning bell.

Seriously you need to talk this over, and you both need to be totally real with eachother, as well as your self.
The way I see it is if he is %100 and you leave you have a broken heart, end up meeting someone else who wants the same things you do.
OR You may stay 5 or 15 years waiting for him to change his mind, if he doesn't want to have kids you will end up with a broken heart aswell as a deep resentment and nothing you can do to change the situation.

If he really doesn't want children, even if you accidently fall pregnant, will he end up with no contact like his first? Will he end up resentful because he didn't want or wasn't ready for kids?

These are the things you both need to be open and honest about with eachother.

**delirium** · 25-03-2009 06:08

Originally Posted by sockstealingpoltergeist

I am going to be very honest with you.

I don't think he should have another one either. If he really cared for the DD he allready has he would do everything in his power to have access and ensure she has the father she deserves. The fact that he does not see her would ring alarm bells for me and I wouldn't be having one with him, no matter what his excuses are.

Secondly, if he doesn't want to have one due to life style factors then he really shouldn't have another. You may think he might not need to change his lifestyle much, but a reasonable adult would gladly change their life style if they wanted a baby, because we love them and would do anything for them.

Looking after children shouldn't be a chore or a hastle it should be a joy. Yes we all need a break and it is hard, all the more reason why I think it's unrealistic for you to promise that his life style won't have to change.

I would only have a child with a man who I knew was 100% committed and would love dearly to spend his time with that child.