As this is my first post on this forum it might be a bit long, but anyway... You all seem to be such lovely and understanding people here...
I have two boys (6 & 2) and work full time. My DH works full time too (~60+ hours a week) but he has some flexability as he is self employed and works from home. His flexability gives us an opportunity not to worry about drop in/pick up children to/from school & childcare. He also manages to fit in the weekly shopping as he is driving and I'm taking public transport to the City. My oldest DS goes to the after-school care, my youngest is in the childcare full time.
It looks like the full time job, two children (one of them not sleeping properly for 2 years), and a houshold to run (I do proper cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing....) are too much for me. My life (existance?) is scheduled down to the minute: catch a particular train so I am at home at a particular time. I have to quickly feed 3 hungry men (quickly because my husband should leave for an appointment with a client, the youngest is hungry and can't wait so he screams his head off, and the 6 y.o. has to have his dinner served ASAP because it takes him forever to finish his meal and I need him to do his homework and practice music before it is too late and he is too tired). My dinner time varies. When I eventually finally sit down and try to take a bite it all strats: "I want to drink/have a treat/play with you" says the oldest and the youngest screams yet agan because he wants whatever is on my plate. And this is usually the last straw. I start yelling, and say all sorts of mean things to them because I am tired, if not exhausted, frustrated, angry, hungry... Then I bath them, read a book and eventually put them to bed and then... I do the dishes, clean up, pack lunch for tomorrow and ... feel horrible. "Why I am such a b..ch from hell? Why I said all those things to these two adorable children? I would've beed insulted if anyone said something similar to me..."
In my profession I will not be able to find a part time job. I will not be able to stay at home either because with our income we fall into the worst category of middle class: not too rich to afford weekly housecleaning lady and have reagular ready-made meals and not too poor to get help from the Centrelink. I figured out that when nothing can be changed, I have to change myself. Actually my attitude. But it looks like the books and articles all speak about "what", not "how". Where to get the patience for understating, staying calm, being firm and positive at the same time and enjoy being a parent when I can't eat properly, sleep properly, take a rest, let alone to have any sort of hobby??? My weekends look like a labour camp, when I try to fit all household chores into just 2 days together with spending quality time with my boys. I love playing with them but it's always under pressure: "I have to also do this, not forget that..." are my thoughts in between my turns of Scrabble. I can NEVER relax. Subsequenly my relationship with my DH suffer. He is tired when he gets back from a late appointment and understandably looks for some comfort. Instead he sees an irritated woman that looks at least 6 years older than her age (actually tested on some people) wracked with anger, tiredness and guilt.
I keep telling myself that there are thousands of people that work and have children, so am I a type of person that shouldn't have had children? But I love them, I really do!!! Is it meant to be that when you become a parent you must be prepared to give up your life? Or convince yourself that being unable to perform ANY task undesturbed is part of the fun?
I will appreciate any piece of advice.