Looks like it takes it's toll...

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Hi everyone!

As this is my first post on this forum it might be a bit long, but anyway... You all seem to be such lovely and understanding people here...

I have two boys (6 & 2) and work full time. My DH works full time too (~60+ hours a week) but he has some flexability as he is self employed and works from home. His flexability gives us an opportunity not to worry about drop in/pick up children to/from school & childcare. He also manages to fit in the weekly shopping as he is driving and I'm taking public transport to the City. My oldest DS goes to the after-school care, my youngest is in the childcare full time.

It looks like the full time job, two children (one of them not sleeping properly for 2 years), and a houshold to run (I do proper cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing....) are too much for me. My life (existance?) is scheduled down to the minute: catch a particular train so I am at home at a particular time. I have to quickly feed 3 hungry men (quickly because my husband should leave for an appointment with a client, the youngest is hungry and can't wait so he screams his head off, and the 6 y.o. has to have his dinner served ASAP because it takes him forever to finish his meal and I need him to do his homework and practice music before it is too late and he is too tired). My dinner time varies. When I eventually finally sit down and try to take a bite it all strats: "I want to drink/have a treat/play with you" says the oldest and the youngest screams yet agan because he wants whatever is on my plate. And this is usually the last straw. I start yelling, and say all sorts of mean things to them because I am tired, if not exhausted, frustrated, angry, hungry... Then I bath them, read a book and eventually put them to bed and then... I do the dishes, clean up, pack lunch for tomorrow and ... feel horrible. "Why I am such a b..ch from hell? Why I said all those things to these two adorable children? I would've beed insulted if anyone said something similar to me..."

In my profession I will not be able to find a part time job. I will not be able to stay at home either because with our income we fall into the worst category of middle class: not too rich to afford weekly housecleaning lady and have reagular ready-made meals and not too poor to get help from the Centrelink. I figured out that when nothing can be changed, I have to change myself. Actually my attitude. But it looks like the books and articles all speak about "what", not "how". Where to get the patience for understating, staying calm, being firm and positive at the same time and enjoy being a parent when I can't eat properly, sleep properly, take a rest, let alone to have any sort of hobby??? My weekends look like a labour camp, when I try to fit all household chores into just 2 days together with spending quality time with my boys. I love playing with them but it's always under pressure: "I have to also do this, not forget that..." are my thoughts in between my turns of Scrabble. I can NEVER relax. Subsequenly my relationship with my DH suffer. He is tired when he gets back from a late appointment and understandably looks for some comfort. Instead he sees an irritated woman that looks at least 6 years older than her age (actually tested on some people) wracked with anger, tiredness and guilt.

I keep telling myself that there are thousands of people that work and have children, so am I a type of person that shouldn't have had children? But I love them, I really do!!! Is it meant to be that when you become a parent you must be prepared to give up your life? Or convince yourself that being unable to perform ANY task undesturbed is part of the fun?

I will appreciate any piece of advice.

Thanks. Anna.

[rynosmum]

Hi Anna,

I work full time too so my first question is why are we both online ?

I have a two year old but not a six year old with school demands in the mix so I hope I'm still able to add some valuable advice.

Like you, sometimes it gets so very difficult and I feel that I am failing - in the 'good wife' stakes as I always seem so busy or tired, in the 'good mother' stakes as my work takes me away sometimes and I have a lot of work to do even after hours and in the 'good employee' stakes - sometimes it's so hard to get it all working right.

I'm the type of person that loves being with my son - and he is such a good, happy, loving, polite and patient boy so we must be doing something right. But I also want to ensure we have quality cooked meals, that our house is neat and tidy, that the washing is always done and that we have time to see family and friends.

My husband and I both work from home (for different companies) so that helps. I changed to this job as the flexibility it gave with telecommuting was ideal. Recently though, we've implemented more 'services' to help out.

We now buy most groceries online and have them delivered once a week. Overall it costs us a bit more but the benefit of having it all delivered to my kitchen is an absolute godsend and a massive timesaver. My MIL comes over and looks after DS 2 days per week, she does most of the ironing while she is here, fantastic.
I do the washing two nights per week and hang it out. I tidy up every night before bed. I cook meals in bulk and then split them into small tupperware containers. If we have pasta one night, there will be leftovers plus I will fill up about 6-8 cheap plastic containers for DS. If I am running around madly at his dinnertime, I just pop one of these in the microwave for 2 minutes and put some toast with it - his dinner done. At any time there are about 4 different choices in there for his meals. Sometimes I get excited and put in some frozen veges as well.

DH is often out for night functions or is away for work. Those nights I will pop something in the oven that we can all have (a lasagne or home-made chicken nuggets or home made pie things) - all easy to make in bulk and then cooked or reheated when needed. Some nights when he is home, I get him to fire up the BBQ and put something together, we then sit down and eat as early as possible.

'Me time' is still a problem but gradually improving...

[nelly75]

Wow you sound like you've got your hands full!! First of all you are not a bad mother - the demands of our kids can take their toll and I have also been known to not be nice to my kids when we are all tired, strung out and hungry.

Is it possible for your DH to feed the kids before you get home from work and he goes out???

Every Staurday my DH takes DS #1 out for a ride on his bike or similar while DS#2 sleeps and I get all the house work done. Then I have the rest of the weekend to spend time with my family. I only work 2 days a week but I get home too late to cook on those days so I make lasgane, risotto etc in huge amounts on the days I am home and freeze them so I can get them out on the days I work, saves cooking and there are not many dishes either!

Even toasted sandwiches, tinned spaghetti would be ok to just quickly heat up for your kids on the days you are really worn out, gets them fed quickly.

Good luck, sorry if I was not much help, just wanted to try and make you feel better - nobody excepts you to be wonder woman!! (excpet your 2 kids and DH of course).

[MumOfTwoBoys]

Thanks for both your replys. It certanly helps when people try to understand you.

So, that is exactly the problem I have: I don't have anyone to do my ironing, and I don't work from home. I have to do everything myself. I can say that I'm well organised: I have healthy meals prepared in advance and frozen, my house is clean and tidy, everything is ironed and sometimes even something nice is baked (I love baking ). DS#1's homework is always checked, books always read, all his "artwork" carefully looked at and praised.

After I got back from marternity leave I was given an opportunity to work 3 days a week from home and 2 days at the office for a year. You won't believe what difference did it make! The time you save on the travel, those little extra things you can do: one extra washing done, a pot of spaghetti on the stove ready by the time everyone is home so you don't have to run fruntically around and do 10 things at a time... The list goes on.

My husband is working very hard, does the shopping, looks after the bills and other finance stuff and drives the children to all extra-curriculum activities.

I am just wondering is it possible to somehow reverse the process of me turning into a nervous wreck and start seeing and enjoying the life again?

On-line shopping is a possibility. How much more, do you think, does it cost compare to the usual shopping?

Thanks. Anna

P.S. Don't get too ecited: I don't always have an opportunity to read (let alone write) on a forum. It's just happened to be an unusual day.

[rynosmum]

On the shopping front, it generally costs me $130-$140 a week at Coles or $150 per week online (including $9 delivery). Although at the moment there are some big savings on things like softdrink cans (24 - normally $17, now $10) etc so I stock up when this happens.

I honestly feel though that in a working mum's situation, you only have so many hours in the home per day. I would rather spend an allowance on having someone take over some chores for a while than spend time doing that task when I could be doing something with my son. I pay my MIL to do the ironing and it's an expense I don't need BUT it gives me an extra couple of hours per week to do 'me' or 'us' things.

You're right - working from home does make a difference. Is there anyway they would agree to you going back to working from home even a day per week ?

[xkwzit]

Hiya Mum22boys

I know when I decided to go back to work I decided to get a cleaner in every fortnight. Even though I only work 3 days/weeks, I would rather spend the time I have at home playing with the kids, talking to DH, cooking a yummy dinner. And I hardly ever have to clean the bathroom, vacuum/wash the floor, clean my stove - that's great.

Seriously, think about the things that you might want to outsource. My DH (although he hardly ever has the time), actually loves to do the grocery shopping, so we don't outsource that. But neither of us are passionate about our house or the ironing. These days quite a few ppl are money "rich" but time "poor". How much could/would you pay to take some pressure off and give you some "you" time?

And def talk to ppl about working from home. If you've got a mobile and a PC, there might be lots that you can do from home, just 1 day a week. My boss doesn't care if I work from home and I've heard of others (in both private and public sectors) who have arrangements where they work from home 1 or 2 days/week.

Cheers