When Yes means Yes and No means No

**Pixie** · 30-12-2008 18:12

As children my DH and I were told NO that was it. No questions, no answering back it was plainly NO.

The consequences were none it was just no, if however I were to ever question my parents on a matter that was said NO to I was sent to my room.

Me on the other hand I say NO to Eliza and she tries again and again and again.

My DH and I are really coming to a heads on this.

He tried to hold my hand last night, and she lost it. my mummy etc. I said to him please let go, and explained to her it was OK I still loved her, but I also love daddy. He just saw it as her winning and me backing down to her.

She back chats a lot.
She refuses to share anything and it's coming to a point where I am going to have to stop taking her places as it's near impossible and creates very un-comfortable situations for other mums. And anyone else in ear shot of her wailing.

I explain she is making me unhappy and she answers back whilst crying "No I am making you happy"

She is refusing to sleep in her bed and sleeps in ours DH is on the sofa and of course he is not happy understandably.

DH is on one presently telling me how the nice approach is back-firing on us and we must bet stern. I do shout I do raise my voice I yell, I take her to her room for 2 mins time out. I explain everything to her and then get her to tell me why I told her off so she understands.

Over all she is good but of late her defiance is becoming an issue at home and outside.

And it's starting to interfere with myself and DH

**NibbleCurlynBub** · 30-12-2008 18:18

Your little one is only a few months younger than my DS.

YES she is going to push the boundaries. She wants to know how far her independence and your patience will go. If she pushes and pushes, will she get what she wants or will the No be a No.

Its a security thing: Can she count on you to keep your word.
Its an independence thing: Can she assert her own independence and tell YOU what she wants.

Try when you can offering small choices. The yellow shirt or the pink shirt. Apple or Banana. Choices out of two things seem to work best, but don't offer her something you're not willing to compromise on.

I found that helped me a lot.

He still feels valued and like he is in control half of the time and it makes the No's all that much more effective and him less resistant.

**Lukie** · 30-12-2008 18:23

With kids of her age (2.5? from your signature), quite often if less words spoken it's better. She is not capable developmentally of processing everything you explain to her. Keep it brief and be firm. If she argues with you, use whatever behaviour management techniques you have in place (eg.time out) and do not argue back. You do not have to explain yourself to a toddler if the situation is volatile. It is not the same as having a conversation with her at other times when she is not upset. I'm not saying never allow her to question you, but not when she is upset and trying to get her own way.

Hope this helps. I don't have a toddler myself but I'm an early childhood teacher and have dealt with young children in a few different settings and learnt a few tricks. I am also a fan of SuperNanny!

**Pixie** · 30-12-2008 19:23

NCB - I do all of those things she has choices.

I always follow through I never make empty threats. I say No I mean it.

I know exactly why she is doing it, it's stopping it!

& it's also despite my firmness she is still trying - give up already lol

Lukie - TY for your reply. I disagree I do explain because I want her to understand why she has been told off. She's a highly intelligent child & totally gets it.

I agree with arguing back I do find myself getting into a banter match every now and again *smacks hand*

**Chub Chub** · 30-12-2008 19:29

Pixie....I'd assume it is her way of figuring out where whe sits in the family order. If this is what she is doing, yes she is smart

. She wants to be top dog.

My DD will go through stages of wanting to be the boss of the house. A few days of being totally consistent and not giving in to her she seems to settle down. But it does tend to flare up and go in cycles.

Determine little suckers, it just gets stronger! And being determine isn't of course a bad thing but she needs to figure out when to reign it in. I do agree with not underestimating what they can process....

Good Luck.

**Pixie** · 30-12-2008 19:34

I totally agree, DS came along and she lost her spot as number 1 and she is trying to figure out where she fits now.

And yes my DD is the same ebbs and flows she can be as perfect as perfect for weeks on end and then bam. I also think partly all her classes have ended for the xmas break so she has lost a little of her routine so it's adding to the nutty-ness!

**ThisIsLiving** · 30-12-2008 20:53

I feel your pain and frustration.

I too am going through this with my DD - only difference is my DD is 5 years old! She is testing my boundaries, my patience, thinking she can question me....and I am getting extremely annoyed.

We are very firm with her..."no" means "no"...end of story...but yet she continues to back-chat and its driving us nuts.

Its gotten worse over the Christmas holiday period. I think the over-excitement and all of the parties during the festive season certainly haven't helped with her behaviour.

School commences in a little over 3 weeks time, so I am hoping she may be too tired to even bother questioning me when Prep kicks off!

Anyway best of luck with dealing with your DD. I'm sorry I haven't had any advice for you, but just thought I'd share my story with you. I had battles as recently as this afternoon, so its a very relevant topic for me at the moment! In fact I even went so far as to take DD's favourite toys from Santa off her this afternoon, just to try to get through to her. I still haven't given them back, maybe in the morning, but we'll see how her attitude is by then, and she won't be getting them back if its no better (I'm a mean mother!).

All the best.

**NibbleCurlynBub** · 30-12-2008 21:09

That's a shame.. Well they do grow out of it and as long as you aren't accommodatinging that behaviour it WILL stop. Time, unfortunately is the best cure when waiting for a baby to grow out of bad habits.

**Pixie** · 30-12-2008 21:09

5!!! AGhhhh nooo lol

I know it can go on for a long time I use to be a nanny many years ago more than 12 years now *gulp* and I know it's a stage but it's just so frustrating!

I take toys as well, currently she is not allowed to watch any movies and ZERO TV she use to be allowed a couple of movies a week and 2 shows a day 1 in the morning 1 at night and she has lost that luxury.

ugh I feel your pain at least it's night time there and you can have a glass of wine lol