"I don't get to spend xmas with her so i want to spend her bday with her"

[munchie]

Dlete

[munchie]

Delete

[Cades]

Your mum sounds like a smart lady

[munchie]

Your mum sounds like a smart lady

hehehe

[jaq]

My family (parents) live in Qld - where I am now and MIL lives in Melb so its one or the other iykwim.

I just don't like her demanding and making plans for me, considering everything her son has put me through. I know its not her fault but I just want to move on with my life. I do want DD to have a relationship with her but then I think if i keep staying in contact with his family, I will continue to put up with all of ex's craap.

OK - ignore everything I said ... I got the impression that you lived in one city, and the inlaws were in the same place as your family... .

The only thing I could suggest is invite xMIL to your daughters first bday party in Qld. It is then up to her whether or not she chooses to fly up for it ... you have given her the option.

Maybe in the invite you could explain that you want to share your daughter's first birthday with ALL her grandparents, so can't come down to Melbourne at that precise time, but she is welcome to join the family in Brisbane.

And you'll bring your DD down to Melbourne for the weekend (week, whatever) of such and such, so they can spend some time together. You are touched she has gone to so much trouble to organise things for you, but you have your own plans as well, so will be staying at x etc.

Good luck!

[BlueGin]

Maybe rather than focusing on the fact that you want DD to have her 1st Birthday with your family (which sounds totally reasonable, as you said, they are the ones she has grown up with) make it more about wanting her to celebrate in your own home?
I know that worked for us for 1st Christmases and such, that we wanted our son to be able to enjoy the day in familiar surroundings when he was so young... and that I really wanted to be able to do the organising and decorating myself in my own place... a 1st only comes once, it's a pity for her but if she's that desperate maybe she can come stay in a motel near you for the day

[Pax]

My words for your MIL:

"thankyou so much for the kind offer of paying to bring me to melbourne for DD birthday, however I have decided to stay in Qld until after DD's birthday as I want to celebrate her birthday with my family. I also feel torn as I want DD to spend time with you as well. I have booked (on this date) and will see you very soon, however I would love for you to come to DD's birthday here in QLD.

I would like to suggest that you come to QLD to attend her birthday party and we can fly back together on (this flight) to melbourne.

I will be staying at a motel with DD and do not require anyone to stay with us, I want to take this time to catch up with not only yourself but other friends as well.

I look forward to spending time together."

then i would post it LOL...

I know what it is like to have a controlling MIL, my first husband's mother was EXACTLY like this woman you describe..

as the years roll on i have come to really resent her and my kids dont like her much either, they love her but they dont like spending much time with her.

but i am glad they know her well. good luck

[Amira]

I agree with suggesting that she join you up in QLD for DD's birthday. You can suggest to her to use the money she offered you to come down early, although we know its unlikely she would do it, the offer is at least there.

Also try to mention about wanting to visit other people while your on your holiday or you wont enjoy it and feel obligated the whole time. I agree with the other ladies who said to make your own arrangements.

I think considering the distance involved she is lucky your coming down at all and while yes she has a right to see DD she should still be grateful your making the effort.

[Cordelia]

Firstly, I jsut wanted to say that it's in your best interests and DD's best interests to be on good terms with her grandmother. Grandparents are very handy people to have around - particularly when things like school fees and vacations come in....

And secondly, it is in her best interests to be on good terms with you because it is through you that she has access to her precious grand-daughter.

So I wouldn't be going off abotu these things and I would be prepared to compromise.

She's 1... she doesnt' know when her bday is. DD had several parties with different groups for party. If there is anyway that you can be there on her bday - I would. I dont think it's a big deal if you celebrate in your own home with your own family on a different day.

I used to dig my heels in about everythign MIL wanted but now that I am compromising and being nice and its amazing that she has started doing the same. Our relationship has changed. We still dont budge on the important things but if it's neither here nor there i wont fight for it just for the principal.