Including DS with our newborn, but IL's have other ideas

**BJsMummy** · 08-11-2008 10:15

I have tried hard to include DS with his new little sister and things seem to be going along fine, I get him to tickle her feet while I feed her and he puts her blanket on if it falls off, will lay down next to her and he seems happy to have her around. When people gave us gifts for her I let him unwrap them and have a little bit of a play with them and then we went and found a spot in her room for them.

But my problem is both times my IL's have come over, 1st time they gave our daughter a gift and would not let DS touch it and said 'it's not yours, don't touch it', this made me quite angry, the gift was a 2nd hand teddy.

The second visit, he was touching DD on the foot and they said 'no touching' I said that I allow him to touch her feet while I am feeding her, and apparently I shouldn't.

It is making me cranky that I will snap at them if they say anything again, I can't and wont let DS not touch his sister, I understand that he is still young and can be rough but I am always there with him, and we have a gate so he cant get to her while she is asleep. But I think they need to interact and DS feel like he is special at the same time otherwise I think he will become naughty and start to resent his sister.

Anyone else had this problem?

**crazyaboutbubs** · 08-11-2008 10:23

I think its great you are including DS with the newborn.

Try to ignore the IL's or explain to them why you want DS involved. If they don't get it.. that's their problem. It's probably only the first of many things they would do differently to you. I'd get used to saying "Thanks for your imput, but I would prefer to do things this way, it seems to work well for us."

They are just probably very protective of their new grandchild.

**Laksa** · 08-11-2008 10:34

don't feel bad if you DO snap at them!
you are doing the right thing by including your older child, he has had a big disruption to his life. if they can't see that, thats their problem not yours!

**Hollywood** · 08-11-2008 10:51

Originally Posted by library-laksa

don't feel bad if you DO snap at them!
you are doing the right thing by including your older child, he has had a big disruption to his life. if they can't see that, thats their problem not yours!

I only have one child so far, but I can imagine that it would p!ss me off if someone else was telling me that my eldest child couldn't show affection towards the new baby.

**LizzardLover** · 08-11-2008 12:57

Originally Posted by LG

I only have one child so far, but I can imagine that it would p!ss me off if someone else was telling me that my eldest child couldn't show affection towards the new baby.

but then I guess the IL's need to know the rules before you can get cross at them really. If they dont know you allow him to touch her like that, they just reacted in a way natural to them. Now they know they will hopefully not tell him off again for that KWIM?

**MrsMiggins** · 08-11-2008 13:02

My dear & very much loved Grandmother was a bit the same way. She absolutely adores my DD, but was so nervous of her being around DS when he was a newborn & used to say things to me about it all the time. She was so worried DD would hurt him!

She had good intentions, but her ideas were just a bit dated! I think she even admitted that to me once. Over time, my grandma saw how gentle & good DD was with her baby brother & she got over it.

Perhaps get them used to it by degrees? Giving them lots of photos showing your DS holding his baby sister might be a good place to start.

**MissEdwards** · 08-11-2008 20:27

hi, my DS is very much involed wit my DD same way as ur DS is. my IL were the same till i di snap at them and they do understand that yes sometimes my DS can be a lil rough but he adores his lil sister.. just sit down with them and explain that this is how you want ur DS to interact with his lil sister.

I totally think its gr8 how you are doing it...

**Mathermy** · 08-11-2008 20:31

I find their attitude very odd and I would become annoyed too. Plus, they seem to be overstepping the boundaries a little. DD's grandparents would never tell her off if I was standing right by watching her-that's my job.

**little_fish** · 09-11-2008 06:27

It's hard when the IL's say what you're doing is bad. I usually countered it with a why? Be genuinely interested in their reasons. Consider what they are saying and then say, no, I think it's more important that he has supervised interaction because...

At the end of the day they're your kids, you're the boss and they have no choice but to repect that.

AM · 09-11-2008 06:51

Including DS is absolutely essential if you want to have a smooth transition with a new baby, you are doing a really great job of it.

I would just explain the whole situation to the IL's, and tell them how you are approaching the situation, and ask them to actively help you with it when they are there.

Your wishes need to be respected here, but if they don't understand what you are doing, then they may just think they are 'helping'