'discipline' for a 1 year old

**Notchalk** · 09-05-2006 22:50

My gorgeous boy turns one in a few weeks time...and he's pretty smart if I do say so myself... BUT when it comes to responding to 'no', he seems strangely NOT so smart.

He keeps going back to things he's not allowed to touch, distraction and no don't work. He knows what no means, and often when he goes to do something he's not allowed to, he'll kneel infront of it, stop, and shake his head no

, then nod his head yes

, and do it! (Just like the new smileys) So cute - the first few times.

This morning in bed he was hitting my face. I'd say no and frown at him. He'd look at me defiantly and do it again, harder. This time I'd say no, frown and grab his hands, saying "Don't hit" Then, he'd do it harder still - it made me so angry because he KNOWS what no means, so I grabbed him and put him on the floor and turned away from him. He CRIED... I let him cry for about 10 seconds, and picked him up, gave him lots of cuddles, etc. and there was no more hitting (until later in the day, but that's another story).

So... is that OK to do, do you think? I don't want him to think I don't love him if he hits me, but I don't want to give him more attention for doing something wrong, and I want him to know it's wrong.

I have no idea what I'm doing... I just know that I don't want him to be scared of me like I was of my Mum - and that he's not a 'naughty boy', but what he was doing is naughty. (Big difference).

Any ideas? Opinions? Do I just need more sleep and stop overanalysing it?

Thanks

Jo

**EskimoMumma** · 09-05-2006 22:56

IMO it seems you "rewarded" him for hitting you! After continuesly telling him not to do it and doing the right thing by putting him down and turning away, you picked him up and gave him cuddles and lots of affection. I would suggest telling him No, Do not hit, it hurts, and if he does it again just ignore him.. JMO

(Pls dont think im having a dig at you)

and what will also work is when he does something good, like listen to you when you say no or did a good job at doing something, give hgim plenty of attention and cuddles then to encourage what the "right" behavour is.. Does that make sense?

**FourAngelKisses** · 09-05-2006 23:03

I started using the "naughty cushion" when Matthew was 15mths old and it worked REALLY well. He was hitting, pinching, scratching and screaming at his brother and sister and I and I'd had enough. I thought he was too young for this technique, but my ECHN said he was old enough and smart enough to understand.

He gets a warning and if he doesn't behave, he sits on the naughty cushion (was 90secs but now 2mins). He apologises before he gets off and if he repeats the behaviour, he goes back. I saw a dramatic change after about a week which was great.

I'm not sure your lil boy is old enough just yet, but this would be an idea to keep in mind for a few months from now. For the face hitting, put him down on the floor and don't pick him up for a while. If he does it again next time you pick him up, put him back down again. They seem to think of it as a game if you grab their hands saying no.

**madvoice** · 10-05-2006 00:37

My daughter does the same thing. She's around the same age (13 months). I tell her firmly NO then put her down. I let her cry (ignore her). After a couple of minutes she goes back to playing. Its hard to get them out of that hitting stage.

**drewid** · 10-05-2006 07:03

I have the same problem with Andrew sometimes. It seems to go in phases, so some days he's very tap-happy and others he's sweet as pie.

I find consistency to be the key. If he does hit/slap/bite/whatever, I firmly say 'stop hitting, that hurts mummy' and move him away. If he does it again (which he usually does) then I say again 'stop hitting, that hurts mummy' and totally remove him - so if we're sitting on the couch, i put him on the floor.

I find he moves on very quickly. I don't exactly 'ignore' him, but i look away from him for a minute and don't give any encouragement. Generally he'll be cheeky and come up for a cuddle and I'll happily respond to that

I think really he just does it because it gets a reaction -but I've also found that he also tends to do it MORE when he's tired or hungry. It seems its just a method of communication - he's saying i want/need something, and he has no other way to tell me yet.

I think sometimes, if you know they are in a mood to be "naughty" like that, you need to remove the temptation for them. For me, if Andrew is slap-happy, I'll stand up - he can't reach my face then. If he's headbutting me (a new favourite thing), I'll move away. I just dont' think you can expect them to stop on their own just yet - you need to help out by trying to understand whats behind it, and removing temptation.

Just my (long) 2c worth

Hope you find your solution

**Femme-Fetale** · 10-05-2006 07:27

OO OO im at the same stage as you! My DS turnes 1 in a week and half!

I think its a stage when they hit our faces, generally my son does it with a smile, like he is happy and thats just how he interacts with me. I do however tell him NO and he does know that word quiet well. Persistance is the key too. its not like you cant say no, turn away and expect them to remember not to do this that or the other.
When my DS hits me i tell him no in a friendlier tone, and not to hurt mummy, if he does it again i say no in a grouchy voice and then if he does it again i slap his hand and hold it firmly while saying NO more forcefully. When i let his hand go, generally he doesnt do it again but focus's on the next thing to do lol, but on the odd occasion he has i put him on the floor, and if he cries, so be it. I wont pick him up to soon, he needs to know its not tolerated and if that means being ignored for a few mins then so be it. This is how ive always done it since he was about 9-10 mths and it has worked for us. He doesnt really cry now when i put him down, just sits there and looks at me and plays with a block or something, then comes back to me later and smiles and just wants to sit on my lap. He knows that when i put him down and ignore him he has done wrong and he knows i wont pick him up right away, that he has to learn his lesson. Some ppl think its a bit extream but it HAS worked for us, so therefor it isnt extream for us.
Im a solo mother too, so maybe thats why im a bit more stern too? i dunno!?
I really think its just a age and saying no to him while he does this - he will soon pick up on it.
Its just how they communicate i think, its not like my son can say "oh mum im so happy to be here on your lap smiling and laffing with you."
Keep going how your going, alter if u need to but i think the way your handling it will pay off in the end!
Chin up and good luck!

**BJelly** · 10-05-2006 08:45

I think the key is to keep persevering - it is all about repetition, repetition and more repetition. In a way it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint that they keep checking the boundaries because there are going to be some things that they will be allowed to do that they aren't when they are little babies (not the hitting thing, but things like climbing and touching certain objects in the house as they get more agile and coordinated).

The other thing is that I wouldn't be afraid of some tears from time to time. Obviously if there are tears because they have hurt themselves or teething or some other sign that there is something wrong - of course you do something about those, but now they are getting older, their emotions are getting more complex and they are more self aware. They are now getting tears of frustration and of rage because they aren't getting their own way, and they need to be socialised and learn to handle their emotions. Trying to keep them in a state of happiness all the time is unrealistic and not good for their emotional development - after all they will need all the emotional maturity they can get to deal with those very emotional teenage years.

One description of toddlerhood that really helped me, is to relate it to a bad case of PMT, their emotions are all over the place and just like us women at that time of the month, they, like us sometimes don't even know why they feel the way they do. Toddlers are like us in many ways, sometimes we just need a vent, some yelling and a good cry and then we feel much better. We aren't happy all the time and we shouldn't expect toddlers to be happy all the time either.

**annb** · 10-05-2006 11:02

I think 1 is a little young for discipline...they are learning and at this stage dont know what is right and what is wrong, its all an experiment to see what your reaction is, maybe just a firm no and move on to something else, distracting whatever it is. I went to see Steve Biddulph talk last week and his view was that really discipline should come when they are around 2 yrs old when they have more sense of reasoning

**Notchalk** · 10-05-2006 12:55

Originally Posted by Mummy2AlexandMary

IMO it seems you "rewarded" him for hitting you! After continuesly telling him not to do it and doing the right thing by putting him down and turning away, you picked him up and gave him cuddles and lots of affection. I would suggest telling him No, Do not hit, it hurts, and if he does it again just ignore him.. JMO

(Pls dont think im having a dig at you)

and what will also work is when he does something good, like listen to you when you say no or did a good job at doing something, give hgim plenty of attention and cuddles then to encourage what the "right" behavour is.. Does that make sense?

Oh, I don't think you're having a dig at me! I honestly feel lost and don't know what the right thing to do is. I just didn't want him to think I didn't like *him* rather than what he did. He also does get plenty of attention when he's doing the right thing - you make sense

Jo

**zactyl** · 11-05-2006 01:39

Make your house as child friendly as possible, move or barricade the things he's not allowed to touch. Use Child Gates and start with a couple of rooms he is free to safely explore, expand his play environment with access to more rooms as he gets bigger and able to safely climb stairs etc. Avoid having to say "NO!"

Of course, you can't do this as easily at the Inlaws house...

Make the 'discipline' be a logical consequence of the behaviour. For the example you gave, if he hits you in the face, move your face away and gently tell him not to do it (eg "Please don't do that.") If he tries again, move away and gently say you can't lie there with him if he's going to hit you. Putting him on the floor makes no sense to him, and it's coming from your desire to punish him for hurting you (which is why you get angry, you're feeling HURT!) There's a newspaper article here that gives an overview of the P5 Positive Parenting Course, which you may find helpful. Contact your local Adult Education office to see if they run P5, or STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting). These courses help to show why your child (and your partner!) misbehaves, and how best to respond!