I am feeling so sorry for myself today, I have been for some time but it all came to a head on Saturday. Saturday marked three years to the day that we had to end the pregnancy of our little Frankie exactly 6 month after his big brother Thomas was stillborn.
It doesn't seem to matter how many anniversaries there are they all seem equally as painful. I am rapidly lsoigng faith in the phrase 'time is a great healer'
I know that this year things are tough as we are in a new country and away from where my babies are (although they are always in my heart). It felt wrong not to go to my village church and light a candle - I do that every year 29th April and 28th October, this is the first year I haven't.
Today I Have been looking at the support site I run and one I used to run and have been lookign at photos of peoples babes and reading their stories and wondering how this can happen, how many babies have to die? How can we as parents live through such a big thing, where does the strength come from?
I am feeling for two poeple I know who had to work so hard to get pregnant and then their baby dies and they can't get pregnant again, how can that be fair? Having Toby at home gives me some reason for having been through everything, obviously I would love to have Thomas, Frankie and Toby, that would be perfect but i am so relieved to have Toby now, he and his eldest two brothers are the reasons I need to get through all of this.
I am happy, not as happy as perhaps as I could have been, every family moment is tinged with sadness as there are always two little people missing, but I do smile and have genuine fun, I do look forward to things and I know that when the time is right I will be with my two angels but at the same time I am constantly surprised at how painful it is year in and year out accepting that they are not here.
Well I have shed enough tears today, I shall go and put my happy face on and go out to a friends for lunch!
Thinking of all of you and your little angels.