Should I hand her over?

[polony]

My DD's dad FINALLY wants to take some part in caring for her. I got an email this morning asking if he can watch Layla Sat nights until Sunday arvo.

On the outside, this seems like an awesome offer and I should be jumping at the chance, but my gut is telling me that there is something wrong about this.

He of course would not do it alone. He is relying on his step-mum for additional support (he lives at home still...).

So I asked him if he would be able to cope if she wasn't there for any reason. He jumps down my throat and accuses me of assuming the worst about him. I also want to know if it will be every Saturday night, even if something "fun" pops up that he wants to go to. No answer to that one.

I am also concerned about his temper. He gets really frustrated and impatient with Layla and he has even towered over her yelling "*****! B*TCH!" at her (I got away from that situation ASAP and he grovelled an apology a week later). He has also plonked her on the floor impatiently and stormed off because she was grizzly.

I worry that if I leave her with him that he will get all angry with her and no idea what would happen. Do I have a right to not feel right about this?

I also have a feeling that these Saturday nights will be he spends 5 mins with her, goes out all night with friends while the step-mum babysits, then spends all the next day on the couch nursing a hang-over and keeping a lazy eye on Layla while the step-mum does all the caring for her.

What would you do?

[charlach]

One simple answer to your question is "I would not do it". Sorry, but thats just me.

[the_queen]

I've been pretty much exactly in your position (except DH wasn't living with any parental figure - it was during our 18 month separation). If you are feeling worried for her welfare, physical or emotional, then don't ignore your instincts. Do you trust his step-mum? Do you trust that she would look out for Layla if he got too angry or overwhelmed?


Tough decision for you to make, my advice is just follow your mothering instincts.

[cwsmum]

I don't think I would do it either, not if it didn't feel right.
Maybe you could talk to his step-mum and see how she feels about things. Maybe you could let him have her thru the day on a saturday and see how things go for a few mths first before letting her stay overnight...if he really wants to see her on sat & sundays then he will be happy to come pick her up in the mornings and drop her back to you at night.

[sopolicha]

I have been in the exact same predicament. I wouldn't do it. She is far to precious to you to risk any sort of harm coming to her. You will spend the whole time worrying about her

If he is serious about establishing a relationship with her there are supervised contact centres that he and Layla can attend together. Maybe he needs to address some of his anger issues, the older kids the get the more frustrating they are to deal with.

Listen to your gut.

[razzle]

Trust your gut feeling.

[catalicious]

I agree with everyone else on this thread I would not do it. No way, I would talk to his step mother first and I would also just make it a few hours of a day, maybe one day a week to start with......

Really trust your instincts.

[Jem]

i agree with cwsmum, let him have her during the day.. start off with a few hours, and once trust is built.. gradually let him have her for longer periods, until you feel 100 % comfortable with the over night stays

[Rhoxie]

How often does Layla see him now ? does she go to him willingly ? and does she recognise him when she sees him ?

If he only sees her rarely and there isn't really much recognition or a bond then I'd definately say no to the over night visits.

He needs to start slow and build up a trusting relationship with his daughter. His step mum should not be the main carer when he has her.
Yes Layla and her Father should have a relationship but it can't be forced and it shouldn't be jepardised by her dad biting off more than he can chew.

Perhaps start it off like this
For the next 4-8 weeks her Dad comes to your house after Laylas afternoon nap. He gives her afternoon tea/bottle, changes her nappy and takes her for a long walk in the pram to the park or around the neighbourhood. He comes back plays with her for a while then gives her her evening bath and dinner, puts her to bed and goes home. (While he is there you back off and leave him to it, don't butt in unless absolutely neccessary. It doesn't really matter if he does a few things wrong like forgetting to use a bib). Over the weeks gradually teach her Dad (ever so tactfully) the things she likes and doesn't like. If he asks for help provide it but back off when it's done.

Then if that goes well and Layla starts to get used to him then let him take her out to his house for the afternoon. Suggest he follows the same routine he did at yours except instead of putting her to bed he brings her home to your house. Follow that routine for a few months.

Then all going well. Suggest he picks her up at Lunch time so she can have lunch and her afternoon nap at his house - that will get her used to sleeping somewhere different.

From there you can probably go to overnight but that's only if YOU feel comfortable with it.

Easing into the visits slowly will mean he has time to 'grow up' a bit and control his temper/frustrations for the short time he has her. Let him know that the only child is his relationship with his daughter is Layla - he is the adult and at all times must control himself and act like one.

The slow start means that he will not suddenly loose his Saturday night party time so (in theory) by the time he has her for the night he will be less likely to try and leave her with Step mum and take off for the night. He's had to Earn Layla's trust and love and the first sleep over has taken months of work so he should treasure that.

Restating one of the above points - He NEEDS to earn Laylas love and trust before having her overnight. He needs to build a quality relationship with her slowly so she views him in a permenant way. She is not a possession that can be handed over on a whim she is a small child who needs to be treated with respect and consideration of her needs.

I hope it goes well for you Polony and I hope Laylas Dad is genuine and succeeds in building a lasting relationship with her.

hugs
Roxy

[polony]

Thanks for all the advice.

I think I might start off with days then see how it goes. I really want him to be in her life. I just don't feel right about the whole night thing yet.

I spose I could try to talking to the step-mum. She is lovely and I trust her completely. The thing is, she doesn't really speak english so it might prove a little hard!! Just quietly, I think she was made wife was to be a live-in house keeper. I DID NOT SAY THAT!

I just don't want her going there and the step-mum doing all the caring. That's not fair on her.

Oh, and DD's dad EXPECTS me to drop her off and pick her up. Apparently he would be doing ME a favour by looking after her!!