Annoyed and feel backed into a corner

**SydDi** · 02-07-2008 12:34

Hi EVeryone,

I'll tell you my prediciment, hopefully it won't take too long......

About a month or so ago, a Canadian cousin of mine contacted me out of the blue through Facebook. I haven't seen her in 20 years - she is 22. She told me she was coming to Australia which I thought was great! She is an Australian citizen (well born in PNG but apparently has citizenship) so she thought she'd play it by ear, maybe get a job etc, and can she stay with me for abit (sure very faint alarm bells did start to ring there). I said no worries to stay for a little while but I'm pregnant etc. Basically her plans were to arrive in Brisbane, stay with my mum and dad for a few days, fly up to Cairns for a week then come down to Sydney to see me, via Brisbane again.

Obviously when someone comes across the other side of the world... I'm assuming her loose plans may include abit of travel then if she likes it get herself a place to stay and find work etc and maybe use my place as a base a few days here and there!!

Anyway, she arrived on a Friday and apparently was waiting for a cheque from her parents to clear so she could get a ticket to Cairns. This didn't clear in time, so my parents gave her $400 to fly up there. This was by Monday, so basically she got $400 from my parents (who hadn't seen her for 20 years either) in only a couple of days.

I was speaking to my mum after she returned back from Cairns and she was saying that my cousin was planning to find work etc and stay in Brisbane with my parents. My parents had no idea of this before she arrived. It seems that this girl has flown over the other side of the world with NO MONEY and NO IDEA! And no the money hasn't been replaced - she said she'll get a job and pay them back!!!

Anyway, my parents both work full time, long hours. The live right in the burbs in North Brisbane, where it is hard to get any public transport. Basically the situation is pretty dismal for all involved up there. As well, what are my parents going to do with a 22 year old woman living at their house with no money? Family or not!

Anyway, as much as my parents don't want to do this to me (at 30 weeks pregnant) and as much as I really don't want to be taking on this problem right now.... the only real way out of this is to have her come down here (I live inner Sydney) and get herself sorted down here. It's easier to find work and get around in Sydney. My mum was so relieved but all the while feeling terrible that she's doing this to me.

Thing is - as far as I know she has no money, she doesn't have her Australian passport therefore can't get a tax file number until she does, therefore cannot work. THEN after she gets the TFN she'll have to find work then save to find a place (even if it's backpackers accom).

I've been there done that before with travelling so it's logical I can help her out. But man..... I'm 30+ weeks pregnant. The fact that this girl is in this situation is not my problem!! I'm going to have to take her in and help her get her act together (Mum says she's a lovely girl but still). I said she can stay a couple of weeks but I know these things take longer and I'm not going to kick her out on the curb am I??

But all I want to do is sloth around the house in my last weeks of pregnancy. We need to save as much as possible for me to be on maternity leave and all I want to do it sit and rest! Instead I'll have a stranger in my house, and sure she's probably a lovely girl. But I have to deal with her having no money, no prospects and no idea whilst staying in the room that I want to get the nursery ready!!

ARRGGHH!!

There's not much I can do - I have to take her in... I just had to unload this somewhere!!!

**Ange&Seth** · 02-07-2008 12:52

Make her sleep on the couch - you shouldn't have to disturb your house and life (particularly at this late stage in your pregnancy) just because of someone without a clue.

I didn't have a clue for a long long time, couldn't understand why people didn't like me and why I somehow always managed to get myself in trouble, no matter how good my intentions were. The reason for it was that I didn't have a clue. What I needed was for someone to GIVE me a clue, maybe that's what this girl needs too ?

**SydDi** · 02-07-2008 12:57

Sleeping on the couch will actually put me out more because all her stuff will be in my way - no privacy etc. My instinct it to give her the benefit of the doubt and yes as you said, get her to grow up abit!! You know if it was this time last year it woulnd't be so bad (I'd still be annoyed). But I'm actually really tired from this pregnancy now. I'm nesting big time, all I want to do when I get home is take my bra off, put on the biggest daggiest clothes I can find and teach myself to knit under a doona!

I just can't understand why someone would come over the other side of the world with no money and expect relatives she doesn't even know to bail her out!!!!

**sam's mum** · 02-07-2008 13:34

I would give her a very clear time frame. Tell her that she can only stay until X and that then she will have to make other arrangements. make sure she knows that she is in the babies room and that she needs to go so that you can get it set up for the baby.

mention in conversations often when you are getting started on the babies room and how much you have to get done.

keep asking her what her plans are when she moves on from your place in 4, 3, 2, 1 weeks.

I would be saying it again and again and again so that there can be no doubt that you expect and need her to be gone.

**SuperWoman** · 02-07-2008 13:41

Originally Posted by sam's mum

I would give her a very clear time frame. Tell her that she can only stay until X and that then she will have to make other arrangements. make sure she knows that she is in the babies room and that she needs to go so that you can get it set up for the baby.

mention in conversations often when you are getting started on the babies room and how much you have to get done.

keep asking her what her plans are when she moves on from your place in 4, 3, 2, 1 weeks.

I would be saying it again and again and again so that there can be no doubt that you expect and need her to be gone.

and as cruel as it might sound don't let her get too comfy staying at your house. Hopefully she won't stay for too long.

**SydDi** · 02-07-2008 14:16

Yeah as hard as it will be to do, I'll have to be forceful about when she has to leave.

Even the thought of having her in the house for 2 weeks is annoying me at the moment, but it's more than likely going to HAVE to be longer. I feel pretty resentful that I've been put in this situation, to be honest. I went to live across the other side of the world when I was 22 and I saved my backside off before hoping on the plane! There was no way in the world I would have turned up on strangers doorstep and expect them to take me in and lend me money!

I have a sinking feeling about this.......

**polony** · 02-07-2008 14:21

I thought you had to have money to enter the country.. or is that just a line they use in Border Patrol?!?!

She's lucky to still have family helping her (you) even when you don't have to! Can't she work on a visa with her Canadian passport?? I'm confused.

I'd be sending her to the backpackers with the daily jobs section of the newspaper!

**SydDi** · 02-07-2008 14:34

As far as I know she is here on a tourist visa with her Canadian Passport! Thats another thing that annoyes me.. If she knew she had absolutely no money, why didn't she at least get her affairs (ie her Australian Passport) organised before coming over?

Why didn't she say to us that this is what she was expecting from our family - instead of saying "Oh I'm just playing it by ear!" My parents had to call her dad to find out her flight details for god-sake. I mean - just what exactly was going through her mind?? Now her problem is my problem and I don't want it! I'm the first person to lend someone a hand but this is ridiculous!!

**bissym** · 02-07-2008 14:51

You sound REALLY stressed out by this and it's really important for you not to get stressed out at this stage. Can you ask your partner (?) or parents to be the tough one in this situation and ask her what she would have done if you weren't able to offer her a room (maybe she has got a backup plan and just wants to do it the easy way - for her) or can you call her parents and ask them to sort something out? Your not going to want to be doing the nursery in your last few weeks, you're not going to want to do anything except sleep.
I'd be selfish and say you can offer her a place to stay for 5 days and you can tell her which suburbs are the best to find accommodation. This is a time of you're life that you have to be selfish as you have to do what's best for your (mental) health as it's also your baby's health.
How can she get work if she doesn't have a working visa?

**cath** · 02-07-2008 15:13

You poor thing - sounds like a terrible situation. At this time in your life you are allowed to be selfish and I wouldn't be letting her stay at all. If she has no money she should go back home and save until she is ready to do it properly. I think you and your parents are both fully within your rights to say it doesn't suit you to have her stay with you and that you are very sorry but that's how it is. I know it is probably much easier said than done but if you can gather the inner strength from somewhere try and get out of the whole horrible situation and hopefully she will fly back home.