Struggling Emotionally after Caesarean

[Briannabear]

Hi! I wasnt sure where to post this thread, Im just needing to vent so I hope you all dont mind.
I had my heart set on a natural birth. I was very prepared for it. I was scared and anxious, but Im strong, and I knew I could get through it! Id been having pains for about a week. I woke up the morning I was due to be a bridesmaid for a best friend with a show! The pains started more intensely after that. I managed to get through the wedding without the Bride even knowing! (I had to sit through the ceremony though!). Over the next few days the contractions became more intense. My husband and I knew the baby was definately coming, but family members were skeptical, as she was 3 weeks early. On the wednesday morning I woke up with a pressure feeling in my pelvis. As I was walking back to bed my waters broke. We were so excited! The hospital told us to stay at home, as I wasnt in much pain. By 8am i was still losing fluid so we rang the hospital again. This time we spoke to a different midwife. When we described to her what my waters looked like she told us to go straight in because she thought that the baby could be stressed (she had done a poo). Once we were in there the pains were getting worse. I got through the contractions just breathing deeply. By midday they did an internal and discovered I wasnt dilating. It was at that point that they realised that it was my hindwaters that had broken, not my forewaters. They decided to break my waters and induce me to speed things up because the baby was a little bit stressed. At that point I had an epidural because they really wanted to crank things up with the drip. I think at that point I felt like Id lost control of the birth. I wanted an active natural labour, and I was stuck in a bed and couldnt feel anything. By 5pm that night at the next internal I had only dilated about 4cm and so they increased the induction again. I was pretty exhausted by then, but it continued. I had about 2 more internals, and each time was disappointing. i wasnt dilating quick enough. At 5am the next morning the doctor came in to see me. I was utterly exhausted. I didnt have one ounce of energy left. I hadnt eaten since breakfast the previous day. They wouldnt let me eat anything. He did an internal and said that something wasnt right. He did an ultrasound and discovered that my baby was in full breach position and I couldnt give birth naturally. I was devistated and terrified. They topped up my epidural and rushed me off to theatre. The epidural wore off so they gave me a spinal block. They started to operate and I could feel everything. I remember the moment when they held her up - It was incredible! But then I blacked out. I didnt even get to hold my baby. They rushed her off to special care. I gave birth at 6:30am, I didnt get to touch her until 5:00pm that night. Because Id had a c-section I couldnt even go and see her in special care. My husband had to go and give me updates of her there. He had to describe to me what she looked like. I'll never forget that hopeless feeling I felt. I felt like a failure. After heamorraging so badly I had to have a blood transfusion. I ended up back in hospital twice after giving birth. It just never seemed to end. Its 5 months later and I still have issues with my health relating to the caesar.
Brianna is a beautiful healthy baby, and I feel so blessed to have her. But I have so much resentment about her birth. I still feel like I failed. Im scared to have another baby because I never want to experience that again. But I dont think I'll be able to move on until I experience a natural birth. I still dont know how to move forward from that feeling of hurt. I get so depressed about it. All I can do for now is enjoy my incredible daughter and thank God that she is healthy and safe.
Has anyone else felt like this?

[ThomasMum]

you've got a beautifull baby, it doesn't matter how it got here. There more important things in life than feeling bad about having caesarean. I did it as I had no choice and I never felt bad about it, like I said there are more and more important things in life as the baby grows older...ie. providing a good future for bub and this ain't easy !!!

when i look at Thomas is all worth it, he's beautifull, healthy baby is all that matter to us!

keep smiling you've done fantastic job!

[Rell]

Hi Briannabear
I have not gone throught anything like this but i know there is a support group in Brisbane for woman who have experianced traumatic births. I saw the details in Brisbanes child which is a free magazine you can pick up from the librairy. I will get an other copy and post the details if you like. Just thought that this might be of some use to you. Remember you have not failed.

[Chickadee]

I had a caesar with a full breach bub too. But we knew ahead of time that she was breach so it was a planned caesar. My experience was so different from yours and my heart goes out to you for the pain you've been through. Please don't feel like a failure though. Like ThomasMum said, you had no choice.

If I were you I'd be very angry at my doctor and midwives for not realising that bub was breach ahead of time! Mine knew at my 36 week checkup because the heartbeat wasn't where she'd expected it to be and ordered an ultrasound to check. If you'd had a bit of time to prepare for a caesar you might have had a much better experience. Still disappointing if you'd been hoping for a natural birth, but much more in control of the situation and both you and bub might not have been so stressed from the time in labour. I didn't get to hold my daughter straight away, but was handed her while being stitched and still cared for her that night in my room.

If you do get pregnant again I hope that you can go into the birth with as much information as possible about bub's position, health and options for intervention so that you can have the experience you deserve. Birth, no matter how it ends up happening, should be a joyous event in all aspects.

I found it difficult when at a mother's group and all the other mums would sit for half an hour and discuss their natural births and I had nothing to contribute. I imagine it would be even worse for you. But that talk dies off after awhile as bubs grow and there is so much more to talk about.

I hope that with time, and your daughters beautiful smiles, the pain will lessen and you can move forward from this.

[mamafelix]

Hi

Look you are definately not alone. It is not uncommon to suffer trauma as a result of a difficult birth, and it can take a VERY long time to feel better. Post traumatic stress disorder is a possiblity.
I have a good friend who had a very similar experience to yours- she is now pregnant with her second, her first is nearly 18 months and she still has days when her previous birth experience almost overwhelms her.

There are a number of great support networks out there. Try Birthrites www.birthrites.org
which is specifically set up for healing after ceasarians, or the accessing ******* yahoo group- for all kinds of birth trauma. http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/accessingartemis/

If you feel up to it may be good to read other similar birth stories and healing experiences, can I recommend the natural parenting forums birth and pregnancy section- no matter what your overall parenting style- there is a LOT of birth trauma support information posted there, and a lot of stories similar to your own.
www.forums.naturalparenting.com.au

specifically these stories came to mind after reading yours - WARNING- they are not happy- so only read if you feel you can relive some of your own trauma through others.

http://www.forums.naturalparenting.c...ead.php?t=2244
http://www.forums.naturalparenting.c...ead.php?t=2156
http://www.forums.naturalparenting.c...ead.php?t=7211
http://www.forums.naturalparenting.c...ead.php?t=7179

Writing your own birth story, getting hold of your hospital records, talking talking talking with people you love, and other women who understand and have experienced something similar....

You have every right to feel angry, and every right to feel distressed- you have suffered a trauma, emotionally and physically. Whether or not the care you recieved was optimal, your birth was traumatic.

Hugs to you and good luck on your healing journey

[alicesmum]

Hi Briannabear
There is a lot of hype and ideolgogy surrounding childbirth I have realised and it is an emotionally charged issue (not surprisingly I suppose). So this is one issue probably affecting you. Try hard not to 'buy into' society's perceptions of what "should be" and practice accepting "what is". It can be done. Just catch yourself everytime you are thinking a thought related to how your birth "should have gone" and tell yourself to stop thinking like that. OUr thoughts are what get us into so much trouble!!
Also, it is really hard when our expectations and reality differ tremendously, like happened in your case. In a sense, that's why it's good not to have any! Just stay open to whatever is happening in your life. You say you feel like "you failed" but that's assuming you had any control over how things went and you didn't. You did your very best. Maybe writie a list of all the things you expected or envisaged would happen during your birth (the natural scenario) and then all the things that actually did happen and put an asterix next to all the ones you had little or no control over. I bet you'll find that's most of them!!

Still, depession, if that's what you've got, is not something to be sneezed at. It is a hormonally- and chemically-driven condition. If you are really feeling down a lot of the time, think about getting counselling or getting some books such as "Feeling good" by David Burns. Also you might like to check out:
http://www.mentalhealth.asn.au/resou...ession_kit.pdf

I'm sure you have also thought this, but imagine what might have happened to women and babies in your situation a couple of hundred years ago. I mean....perish the thought.... but it's good to remind yourself of these things sometimes.

You are *absolutely not a failure* in any sense of the word. Try and remember this and remember to avoid comparing your experiences with other people's. Your story is unique like your darling daughter.

All the best!

[Tannie]

Firstly - you certainly didn't "fail" as you have a beautiful healthy baby girl
Secondly - I think you are more traumatised about the overwhelming nature of the entire experience that wasn't what you imagined, then the actual caesarean part......if that makes sense? I think you probably need some counselling to get through this - at the least one of the support groups previous posters have mentioned.
I can understand somewhat how you must feel - but on the other hand, I think it's important to focus now on the positives rather then dwell on the negatives of the experience.......easier said then done, but what has happened simply can't be changed, no matter how much you wish it could be and the past is gone forever.........iykwim?
Good luck,
T

[bubhub]

Hiya - the details of the Brisbane group that support those who are emotionally scarred by the birth experience can be found on the following page:


http://www.bubhub.com.au/serviceshel...html#pregnancy

Scroll to the bottom of the 'pregnancy & childbirth' section to find the details of the Birth Trauma and Stress Support Group. They have meetings in Brisbane but will support by phone or email Australia-wide.

Hope they can help!
Hilary

[Briannabear]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I will check out those links... thanks for that! Please dont get me wrong... I dont spend my whole day mopeing about it! (LOL!) But I get upset when I do think about it. You're right MarthaM I have a lot of resentment towards the doctors and midwives who were supposed to be looking after me and my baby, I feel they didnt do their job properly. I will be much wiser and more informed next time around!
Once again thanks!

[Kat]

Hi Becca,

*hugs* to you. I can so relate to what you are saying and you've expressed yourself so well - it really takes me emotionally straight back and I remember vividly so much of the helplessness and despair / distress I felt / feel.

The emotional part does get better. I too am glad my daughter is well and happy but the cost to my physically as well as emotionally has been really high too which I don't find it possible to just shrug off - for me too there were quite a few ongoing physical issues that to my way of thinking are integral in preventing me from 'moving on' or 'getting over it' - after all my body isn't even 'over it!'.

having said that its been 6 1/2 months for me and I have to say the last month has been a wonderful experience in terms of physically. the scar is actually beginning to fade in places, and I've been losing weight (combination of poor health, improved diet and breastfeeding) so the 'overhang' is becoming much smaler.

for me I found quite the opposite of the advice you're being given here to be the most useful - for starters I was only able to eventually 'write' my birth story by responding to many of the threads on this forum....then a while back I did a search on all my posts and then pasted them all into a word document - then edited the lot so that it began to 'read' like a birth story chronologically. I am still not finished but even with what I have I am so grateful to this forum for providing me a place where I could express myself as I was totally unable to do so until the chance to type it all down piecemeal.


I guess I also read more about birth, not only about caesarians, but VBAC and also about natural birth - e.g. I got myself totally immersed in the 'what if' so that I now carry a very strong picture in my mind of how my birth COULD have gone differently with diferent caring and different choices made. This at first only upset me more, but I feel that in the long run it is empowering me to take ownership of what role I played in ending up a ceasarian & also to send the 'blame' directly to where it is deserved by others, tho ultimately I still made the choices to have those others around me!

the whole 'inevitabilit of the c-section' mentality drives me nuts and for me at least I feel this statement is absolutely not true - I believe I had other options (though I am still exploring the concept that with my daughter's birth it *may* have been true pelvic disproportion) - it may have been inevitable but that doesn't make it *feel* right - I find it very hard to see it as 'rgith' when I am not healed and especially also similar to yourself I see part of being physically 'right' as having a natural birth. Speaking of which, it is not nuts for you to start exploring your VBAC options now. at the hosptial I went to there are VBAC classes that you can attend, you don't even hve to be pregnant!

If you are getting down on yourself because you aren't 'shaking it off' due to the terrific health of you baby then take a deep breathe and remember that its ok to not be over it. I think that the extreme physical scars we experience sometimes it is just not feasible to shrug our shoulders and 'get over it'

I am not sure whether any of what I say you can relate to or whether it has helped. I can only say that I am working through how I feel and also that it does get better and better (physically)

feel free to pm me.
Kat