Hi! I wasnt sure where to post this thread, Im just needing to vent so I hope you all dont mind.
I had my heart set on a natural birth. I was very prepared for it. I was scared and anxious, but Im strong, and I knew I could get through it! Id been having pains for about a week. I woke up the morning I was due to be a bridesmaid for a best friend with a show! The pains started more intensely after that. I managed to get through the wedding without the Bride even knowing! (I had to sit through the ceremony though!). Over the next few days the contractions became more intense. My husband and I knew the baby was definately coming, but family members were skeptical, as she was 3 weeks early. On the wednesday morning I woke up with a pressure feeling in my pelvis. As I was walking back to bed my waters broke. We were so excited! The hospital told us to stay at home, as I wasnt in much pain. By 8am i was still losing fluid so we rang the hospital again. This time we spoke to a different midwife. When we described to her what my waters looked like she told us to go straight in because she thought that the baby could be stressed (she had done a poo). Once we were in there the pains were getting worse. I got through the contractions just breathing deeply. By midday they did an internal and discovered I wasnt dilating. It was at that point that they realised that it was my hindwaters that had broken, not my forewaters. They decided to break my waters and induce me to speed things up because the baby was a little bit stressed. At that point I had an epidural because they really wanted to crank things up with the drip. I think at that point I felt like Id lost control of the birth. I wanted an active natural labour, and I was stuck in a bed and couldnt feel anything. By 5pm that night at the next internal I had only dilated about 4cm and so they increased the induction again. I was pretty exhausted by then, but it continued. I had about 2 more internals, and each time was disappointing. i wasnt dilating quick enough. At 5am the next morning the doctor came in to see me. I was utterly exhausted. I didnt have one ounce of energy left. I hadnt eaten since breakfast the previous day. They wouldnt let me eat anything. He did an internal and said that something wasnt right. He did an ultrasound and discovered that my baby was in full breach position and I couldnt give birth naturally. I was devistated and terrified. They topped up my epidural and rushed me off to theatre. The epidural wore off so they gave me a spinal block. They started to operate and I could feel everything. I remember the moment when they held her up - It was incredible! But then I blacked out. I didnt even get to hold my baby. They rushed her off to special care. I gave birth at 6:30am, I didnt get to touch her until 5:00pm that night. Because Id had a c-section I couldnt even go and see her in special care. My husband had to go and give me updates of her there. He had to describe to me what she looked like. I'll never forget that hopeless feeling I felt. I felt like a failure. After heamorraging so badly I had to have a blood transfusion. I ended up back in hospital twice after giving birth. It just never seemed to end. Its 5 months later and I still have issues with my health relating to the caesar.
Brianna is a beautiful healthy baby, and I feel so blessed to have her. But I have so much resentment about her birth. I still feel like I failed. Im scared to have another baby because I never want to experience that again. But I dont think I'll be able to move on until I experience a natural birth. I still dont know how to move forward from that feeling of hurt. I get so depressed about it. All I can do for now is enjoy my incredible daughter and thank God that she is healthy and safe.
Has anyone else felt like this?