When grandparents don't put in any effort

[jembelina]

Is anyone else in this situation?? I don't know what to do.
It seems to me like we have started our family at an inconvenient time for them.
It also seems to have gotten much much worse since ds2 was born 20 months ago. I can only assume it is because we asked tehm to give us a few days with bub before they visited. They were put out because they had looked after DS1 while I was in labour. Mind you I came home to an absolute pigsty and poor df was handed ds at 5.30am when he got home from the hospital and MIl left straigh away.
They have never shown any excitement when I have been pregnant. And then they get their knickers in a twist when we don't want them to visit immediately after bub is born.
We never get invited to their home anymore, unless it is someones birthday or xmas/easter/mothers day/fathers day.
They never com eto our home anymore - they used to pop over on weekends and mil would often come over on a Friday after work to see ds1.
On a Tuesday MIL takes her parents grocery shopping and I meet them with the kids for a coffee. It feels like it is a huge effort for mil to excited to see the kids. If I don't go, the kids don't see her. last week they went elsewhere and didn't tell me....DS! was dissapointed - stood up by his own grandmother!I am ready to boycott!! The only reason I keep going is so the kids know their great grandparents - they may not be here for much longer and I want the kids of have a memory of them as they absolutely adore each other.
I mentioned to MIL that I may need her to babysit when I have my ante natal appoinments with this bub......."well not if I get a new job" - that was her entire comment.

I am fed up. It has come to head this weekend because DF has finally admitted that he is upset, dissapointed adn angry about it too. In the past eh has not said too much about it. He even told me to stop going on Tuesdays.

Geez this has turned into a huge rant......but it feels good to get it all out. I can feel something is going to get said soon.......and I can only see it getting nasty.
I can't think what to do about it though.
Have things like this torn other families apart.....or do you just trudge along to keep the peace??

[0BleSseD0]

xMIL never made any effort as far as myself of my kids are concerned either. Still doesn't. She did like xDP's other DS though. Just not either of mine.

I am lucky that I have never had to rely on her for help or support, because she is the most horrid woman I have ever met!


I don't make any effort to contact her or to have her see the kids and neither does she. If she wants to be a pain then she can be, but that doesn't mean I have to put up with it.

If your MIL really is an unwilling participant, then maybe she shouldn't participate?

I hope someone else can give you advice, because I've clearly had a sh!tty experience with it.

[jembelina]

Yeah, it's tough. Teh thing is, she's not completely horrid..........it jsut seems that tehy can't be bothered or something. I think they would rather be doing 'prime of our lives' type things instead. I don't know, I really don't know, but I do know it makes me sad for the kids.

[0BleSseD0]

I was really sad for my kids at first. I wondered what was wrong with them that she liked xDP's son and not the other two.

There is nothing wrong with them, they are perfect.

Its her that has the problem.

Seriously, if she isn't interested why bother?

[samsgirls]

I had a huge issue with my mother recently. I took my kids to visit my mum (1500kms away) and spent a week there. I hated it, because my mum's house is so neat and tidy, and I had to watch that my kids didn't ouch or break things. I got really upset and asked her if she enjoyed being a grandmother, and it turned into a big lecture and argument.

I actually spoke about it with my psychologist and i feel a lot better about it. I understand now, that I have had unfair expectations of my mother! I don't expect her to smother my kids with affection anymore. My mum loves my children, her grandchildren. But they are her grandchildren, she's raised her children and wants to live her life as she pleases. I am cool with that now and I love my mum. We probably could have discussed it a lot better at the time, but she is my mum, not my friend. As the pschycologist told me, she doesn't know how to treat me as an adult yet, even tho I am 31..

Anyway that is my experience.

[0BleSseD0]

I think my mother fails to accept that too sometimes.

[Cat13]

I don't really know. A bit different here because all DS's grandparents are interstate so when they do visit they want as much grandson time as they can. Might be different if we lived close by!

Maybe she's just not sure how to deal with the energy, noise & mess of young kids anymore and feels awkward so avoids the situation? Worth a quiet chat at least.

How about put the ball in her court? Give her a call and tell her the kids have been asking to see her and when would suit her to come around and visit for lunch/afternoon tea or whatever suits best. If she declines or cancels not much more you can really do. I'm a bit of a peacekeeper type so I'd keep inviting every so often and her loss if she refuses. And don't tell the kids until she has definitely said she's coming - no need for unnecessary disappointment.

[subaruforestermum]

Yeah I am in the same situation...

DF's parents were never really excited about me being pregnant...They 'jokingly' asked if we could trade babies as someone they knew was haivng a girl and 'they' wanted a girl, as they had 3 boys....

I was only accepted into the family once they found out I was pregnant. And then it was a pretty cold welcome.

They visited DS once when he was born, in hospital, I was in for quite a while....and then once when he was admitted into hospital at 6 weeks, and he was in there for a while too...

I would have liked for them to show they cared....

They hardly had anything to do with him, and would never make time for him... DF's brother would yell at him at 12 months to SHUT UP, cos he was happily playing, but was loud as most kids are....

They got annoyed at him going near them as they were watching tv..That's what they do when we visited....

They came to his birthday parties, never spoke to anyone else, and left earlier, put down the food, and his birthday cake I made..(she wouldnt eat it cos it was too sweet, but the same year she bought a cake and ate it which was sweeter...)... And had nothing to do with him his whole party...

Only now do they somewhat talk to him... He still gets mostly ignored...

DS use to call them Grandpa and 'The Lady'....cos he never KNEW who they were in his life...

Things have got better...somewhat, but they still dont make any effort to spend time with him or see him... WE have to go to them, even though they are up near our house every weekend....

I have got use to it, and it breaks my heart that they dont want much to do with him....but he has my families love, and our love so that is what matters the most...

[sueb31]

Oh, I have similar issues. And it REALLY gets to me. And its hard for DH too, as they are his parents. And eventually he admitted he was disappointed too.

Emotionally, I want them to see the absolute joy that my boys can be and to share their growing up. I don't expect child care or even help.

But as you say, they have a different agenda. They are busy enjoying life. And they are just not that interested (excpet when it comes to Chrsitmas when it is a big deal that we go to my parent's house and not theirs!).

Eventually, with time, I am adjusting. I am realising thata lot of the angst is in my head, ie the way I am reacting. It is upsetting me and noone else (except DH).

I don't like admitting it, but you know what, I don't even know that my boys will remember the difference between their very involved and their detached grandparents. Maybe they will.

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that it is their loss. And to stop trying to make them into something that they are not. If they miss out, its their doing. And I also make promises to myself about what type of mother-in-law I will be!!

Don't know if that helps, but I sure know how you feel. No easy answers. In the end you ahve to do what is best for you and your kids. Noone else. No matter whether they are relatives or not.

Sue

[nic28]

I am in a similar situation. I find it interesting that one person said that their physcologist said she had unfair expectations on what her mother should be like as a grandparent and I often wonder if that is my problem. My family live down south but DH's family are here, and we suffer from the favourtism thing with my SIL's kids, as far as material items and time, We have gone back and forth on whether we should sit his parents down (mainly the mil) and give them a big hard lecture haha. But then ultimately we figure that rather than rocking the boat, they will end up paying in the end anyway because kids aren't stupid. i do wish though grandparents realised the impact that they do have on grandkids, fair enough they have raised their children but they do have a responsiblity to behave fairly and lovingly.......