Help avoid resenting an unwanted baby

[Bausen]

yes, I would strongly advise seeking a different counsellor...
...Above all, you have to find somebody whom you feel comfortable with.

Just got back from my appointment and I feel considerably worse now than I did before I went. You are right that I need to find someone else. She kept talking to me about how hard this situation is on my wife. It is hard on my wife, but that is not why I was going there. This counselor is fixated on my wife's problems and doesn't seem to have any idea the problems I am dealing with. I asked her what I can do to restore trust in my relationship with my wife and she essentially said that I can't do anything. I need to wait for my wife to work on her issues and then we can work on the trust. I asked her what I could to to stop obsessing about the situation and she told me that I needed to find other things to do like playing with my kids or taking a walk. This works to a degree, but the fact remains that in my downtime I am obsessing about it when I would rather not and there is no way that I can never have downtime. I told her why worries about resenting the child and she responded by telling me how resentful my wife would be if she had to give the child up rather than telling me how I can head off my resentment.

I learned that I can't do anything about the trust issue. I can try to avoid obsessing for short periods of time, but I can't stop obsessing about it. There were no suggestions of what I can do to avoid resenting the child. Any hope I had is all gone. She keeps bringing up that we need to find out the cause of my wife's problems before we can deal with my problems, but she hasn't suggested to me what I did to cause my wife's problems yet. She hasn't suggested what I can change to remedy the situation. I might as well just give up. What a waste of time.

At least she seems interested in helping my wife. I need to find someone that is willing to help me because I am a complete mess emotionally. I am drained and losing hope that it will get better.

I sincerely hope you can work it all out so that your child, once born, does not have to carry the burden of your current negative feelings.
I wish you peace.

Thank you. I hope I can work it out too. It will start by finding a professional that will at least acknowledge my feelings as legitimate and help me deal with them.

I don't know what else to say right now. I feel like no matter what I do I will be ruining someone's life. Someone very important to me. I feel like I should not be having the feelings I am having and that I am a terrible person for it. Somehow, and I wish I knew how, it is all my fault that my wife did what she did. It is all my fault that she feels terrible about the things she did. It is my fault that I am having the feelings I am having and if it wasn't for me having those feelings the way out to happiness would be clear.

Whatever.

I am going to try and numb myself and hope that it gets better as time passes. It seems that is all I can do is find a way to get through time until things are magically better.

[dillydAlly]

Bausen.

First of all my heart goes out to you and I know that you will get through all this. I cannot even contemplate how much these issues must be affecting you and your emotional/physical self and I hope you find a balance that allows you to cope.

Through reading all your posts there were a few thoughts that popped into my mind.

I agree with the other posters about the need to find another professional to help you through this. You deserve the right to have someone that is not totally intent on your wifes side of things. I think I would be totally frustrated and angered at that as you are there for your feelings and emotions and to discuss ways in which you can cope.... Try some other options to find the person that is right for you....

I can only go at my advice from a personal level myself. Trust is just one of those things that can take so long to achieve and so little time to be taken away. I know this so well. In my mind your wife does have issues with money. Perhaps spending the money makes her feel better. Who knows what kind of deep seated issues she is having within herself to not allow her to see the reality of her spending and how it affects yours and your children's lives.

As for the Dr Phil suggestion, I do think you need this form of "shock tactic" or serious shake up to help your wife come to the realisation that this is not an in significant matter. Not only from a financial standpoint but also from a demoralising perspective. She (inadevrtedly) taken away yours and your family'y right for financial freedom. Not being able to take your children on vacation and to afford other luxuries that your normally would could only make you feel a little like you are working for nothing and that you cannot provide for your family. (only my opinion).

***NOTE*** If i were in your position I would certainly NOT be giving my wife any more financial freedom**** I know that may spark comments but it was my initial reaction. I do however applaud your ever present attempts to show your wife that you trust her to take care of the money you give her.

I defintely think that there needs to be an opening of the communications between you and your wife. I know with my relationship my DP and I talk about every little thing and I mean everything. You have committed to a life together, this is my eyes means being open and honest and upfront no matter how much it affects the other parties. How does she expect you to trust here when she has obviously been misleading you in so many ways. I think that you are more than warranted in your feelings and that they are totally valid.

I would like to also comment that you do write beautifully. I think that you are in touch with your emotions and your analytical side obviously allows you to look at why you have these feelings and pin point exactly where it is they are coming from.

I think you seriously need to start a journal. Whether it be online or written. This may help with your exploration of the day to day emotions you are feeling and I know that you keeping the journal of how you are coping and what is occuring will someday help men in your situation. It could even become a book........

Now to the baby, i know deep in my heart that you WILL love this baby. When it all boils down if you and your wife weren't together then you would still love this child. I know this does kind of gloss over the issues you have in regards to this but as the child is not born you have time to bring yourself to peace with what has happened. Can you imagine 20 years down the track if you do decide to adopt this baby out and they come and find you (not sure if this is possible etc). You would be faced with questions everyday in regards to, what if. I know that I would always wonder if I could have done a better job for this child if I had kept it with its biological parents and siblings. Regradless of financial situations I think that you would find a way to be able to afford this child.My best friend always says. What is one more mouth the feed.

Have you considered writing a letter to your unborn child?? This may never be read or even kept but at least it will be an outlet to express any fears and emotions you may have.

Perhaps even a letter to your wife could help with any issues with regards to this.


Objectively I guess the only thing i can recommend is to look deep within yourself. (and your relationship) and think about what means most to you in your life and look at where you want your focus to be. You cannot ignore the feelings and emotions that you have now they are helping you to discover just what is important to you. Wrtie it down, say it out aloud. Anything to validate them and to bring them out of your head and you will be able to reflect on everything.

This may be a very personal statment but It is one I feel I have to ask. Does your wife work? Can she work? Do you think that she would be able to go back to work to help support the family and bring it back into check finacially??

Not sure if any of this helps or hinders. I really didn't mean to offend or cause controversy. Just trying to give my opinion to help your situation....

This is a very complex and personal situation but I know that being the intellgient person that you are you will find ways of helping your situation.

Ally

[Ys_Woman]

I honestly do feel for men as you have no say once a woman becomes pregnant. I wonder it from your perspective. I would feel frustrated and powerless.

(see above)Your emotions were validated Bausen. We get that you are in pain. We feel for you being in this situation. I don't think anyone here is denying you the feelings that you have. Mostly I am hearing women (and you did pick women to come to with this..women who have strong maternal feelings) saying that this problem, no matter how hurtful to you at the moment, is not about the baby. Of course it is the one tangible you are putting your hurt toward, but it seems it is the fractured trust of your marriage that is the true source of your sadness.
Maybe a male counsellor would be the best way to go.
Please don't go away feeling you weren't heard. You have been.
Peace.

[Grace3]

I think seeking counselling is a great first step, and I hope that it is helpful. Sometimes you need to "try on" a few different counsellors. I'm not sure what training your councellor has had, but a psychologist may be better equipped to help you through this.

In your situation, I think I'd be trying to differentiate between your wife's actions & the baby. Your wife betrayed you, hugely. And you have a right to be upset, angry and hurt over that. But that should be directed at her alone. Easier said than done, I know.

[Grace3]

We have a friend in a similar situation,though he realised something wasn't right and got the snip "V".

I'm sorry your in this situation and hope you find some posts helpful an put you in the right direction.

[onemummmy]

but she hasn't suggested to me what I did to cause my wife's problems yet.


Somehow, and I wish I knew how, it is all my fault that my wife did what she did. It is all my fault that she feels terrible about the things she did. It is my fault that I am having the feelings I am having and if it wasn't for me having those feelings the way out to happiness would be clear.

You did absolutey nothing, its not your fault your wife has money issues & is addicted to spending. Please do not blame yourself for her problem. It is her problem & she needs to fix it herself.
Personally I think that $350 US a month to spend on whatever she wants(and up to $1800 as you said it increased to) is more than enough. I dont see a problem with it at all, clearly she has issues with budgeting etc so its really just common sense that you would take care of the bills etc. I feel like she is putting the blame on you to get the focus off her problem.
I feel like she is like any other addict, in the sense that she needs to accept her own problem & want to get help before she will get anywhere.
I wish I had advice about the baby but instead Ill just give you some of these & wish you luck for getting through this

[Bausen]

I agree with the other posters about the need to find another professional to help you through this. You deserve the right to have someone that is not totally intent on your wifes side of things.

Thank you for your thoughts. I will be starting the process of finding another professional to help me on Tuesday. Monday is a holiday here so I get a three day weekend.

Yay?

Who knows what kind of deep seated issues she is having within herself to not allow her to see the reality of her spending and how it affects yours and your children's lives.

It is 14 hours of plane rides for her to visit her nearest family member. She is not American and none of her family live in this country. She misses her family. This might have something to do with it. I don't know what she has spent most of the money on so I can't say for sure, but I do think that it has something to do with spending money making her feel better for a short period of time.

She (inadevrtedly) taken away yours and your family'y right for financial freedom. Not being able to take your children on vacation and to afford other luxuries that your normally would could only make you feel a little like you are working for nothing and that you cannot provide for your family. (only my opinion).

Financially my family will still be fine. It will take a bit of time to deal with the debt and it will mean we will not get to do some of the luxuries that would be nice, but in the end it is only luxuries that we will miss out on. Sure, it does make me feel a little like I am working for nothing, but I can deal with that.

Spending has always been the problem for us, not income so we are lucky that way. Makes it a lot easier to deal with. Two days ago (Thursday) I was in my manager's office for a meeting and he told me I am being promoted. Along with that, there will be more income.

Yay?

***NOTE*** If i were in your position I would certainly NOT be giving my wife any more financial freedom**** I know that may spark comments but it was my initial reaction. I do however applaud your ever present attempts to show your wife that you trust her to take care of the money you give her.

My theory was that the only way for her to learn to manage money was for her to manage money. In hindsight, this didn't work out, but it seemed reasonable at the time. The secondary benefit I got from letting her manage the money is that it prevented her from resenting me for not getting to do things that she wanted to do. It was entirely up to her.

I defintely think that there needs to be an opening of the communications between you and your wife...

...How does she expect you to trust here when she has obviously been misleading you in so many ways.

Communication is obviously important. It always seemed to me that we were pretty good at communicating, but it is apparent now that we have a long ways to go. If communication was working the way that it should she would not have felt the need to mislead me. She expected me to trust her while misleading me under the premise that I wouldn't find out and what I didn't know would not hurt me. We will be working on this.

I would like to also comment that you do write beautifully.

:blush: Thank you. I never figured someone would compliment my writing. Writing always was toughest thing for me in school. This had a lot to do with the major I chose at the university. I was looking for which degree I could get whilst minimizing the number of papers that I would have to write. Turns out, my job leads to writing plenty. Just last week I was working with an Australian Communication is solely via instant messages and email. The project I am working on is split across sites around the world. Maybe this honed my writing skills.

Now to the baby, i know deep in my heart that you WILL love this baby. When it all boils down if you and your wife weren't together then you would still love this child.

Thank you for the encouragement. This helps my level of hope immensely.

Can you imagine 20 years down the track if you do decide to adopt this baby out and they come and find you (not sure if this is possible etc). You would be faced with questions everyday in regards to, what if. I know that I would always wonder if I could have done a better job for this child if I had kept it with its biological parents and siblings. Regradless of financial situations I think that you would find a way to be able to afford this child.My best friend always says. What is one more mouth the feed.

Honestly, adoption seems like a great option to me, but you bring up some good points. It doesn't matter too much since I don't have a choice owing the fact that my wife will not give it up. I am faced with the reality that I will have another child and need to overcome the negative feelings associated with the fetus.

Have you considered writing a letter to your unborn child?? This may never be read or even kept but at least it will be an outlet to express any fears and emotions you may have.

Perhaps even a letter to your wife could help with any issues with regards to this.

I haven't considered writing a letter to an unborn child. Maybe I'll give it a try, but I would certainly not keep such a letter. As far as a letter to my wife, I have already done that in writing email. When I was sitting at work unable to concentrate on work I wrote a long email to her. I communicate with my wife via email frequently when we are not in the same place.

Objectively I guess the only thing i can recommend is to look deep within yourself. (and your relationship) and think about what means most to you in your life and look at where you want your focus to be.

My wife, my eight year old son, my five year old daughter and God are what mean the most to me in my life. I want my focus to be on getting over my troubles accepting the child my wife is pregnant with. Beyond that, I want to focus on restoring my relationship with my wife back to a healthy long-term relationship.

This may be a very personal statment but It is one I feel I have to ask. Does your wife work? Can she work? Do you think that she would be able to go back to work to help support the family and bring it back into check finacially??

My wife works three part-time jobs. Two of them are in child care and the other is teaching community education foreign language classes. I have recommended to her several times that she work less, but she does it because she loves what she is doing. She stayed at home for two years after we had our oldest and it drove she couldn't stand the loneliness. The sum of her income from her three jobs is about 25% of my income so it is not inconsequential, but financially it is not essential for her to work.

Not sure if any of this helps or hinders. I really didn't mean to offend or cause controversy. Just trying to give my opinion to help your situation....

This is a very complex and personal situation but I know that being the intellgient person that you are you will find ways of helping your situation.

Thank you Ally. This does help. I appreciate your efforts, opinion, and advice on how to help my situation. Thank you for the encouragement that I will be able to find a way to help my situation.

(see above)Your emotions were validated Bausen. We get that you are in pain. We feel for you being in this situation. I don't think anyone here is denying you the feelings that you have.

I apologize about my lack of clarity. I was not trying to suggest that those on this forum were not validating my emotions. I was lamenting the fact that the counselor I went to see yesterday did not seem to be validating my emotions. This forum, and the people on it, have been great to me.

Mostly I am hearing women (and you did pick women to come to with this..women who have strong maternal feelings) saying that this problem, no matter how hurtful to you at the moment, is not about the baby.

I don't know that I picked women to come to with this. I was searching the Internet for anything that would be helpful and I ended up here based on finding something that struck me as vaguely similar to my feelings. It so happens that it is women here, but I did not know that it was mostly women when I posted. I certainly didn't post because I was looking for a group of women to come to with this. That being said, I thank all the sweet ladies on the forum for being bothered to read my posts and further being bothered to provide whatever feedback they can.

Of course it is the one tangible you are putting your hurt toward, but it seems it is the fractured trust of your marriage that is the true source of your sadness.

Enough people more knowledgeable about emotional situations than me have told me that the fractured trust in my marriage is the true source of my sadness that I do not doubt that. It is just that I keep worrying about that one tangible. I need to find a way to stop obsessing about that and it will make it much easier for me to deal with the relationship issues with my wife.

Maybe a male counsellor would be the best way to go.
Please don't go away feeling you weren't heard. You have been.
Peace.

Thanks you for hearing, or you know, reading -- me. I don't know if the counselor I find will be male or female. I am not prepared to rule out half the options presuming I need to find a male. I might slightly favor an option that is male if all other things seem equal. Peace to you too

We have a friend in a similar situation,though he realised something wasn't right and got the snip "V".

I'm sorry your in this situation and hope you find some posts helpful an put you in the right direction.

I realized something wasn't right before I found out my wife was pregnant, but unfortunately any contraceptive measures I took after finding out did not change the fact that my wife already was pregnant. Without doubt, I will be getting the snip before my wife is at risk of becoming pregnant again.

Many of the posts here have been helpful. Just being able to put some of my thoughts into writing here myself has helped my situation.

You did absolutey nothing, its not your fault your wife has money issues & is addicted to spending. Please do not blame yourself for her problem. It is her problem & she needs to fix it herself.

The addiction to spending is her problem and she will need to fix it herself, but I am open to the thought that the underlying cause of her problem could be related to something that I did. If I find out that to be the case I want to make whatever change I can to remedy the situation.

Personally I think that $350 US a month to spend on whatever she wants(and up to $1800 as you said it increased to) is more than enough. I dont see a problem with it at all, clearly she has issues with budgeting etc so its really just common sense that you would take care of the bills etc. I feel like she is putting the blame on you to get the focus off her problem. ]I feel like she is like any other addict, in the sense that she needs to accept her own problem & want to get help before she will get anywhere.

Clearly, the amount of money we have is not the problem. The problem is the amount of money we spend. I don't think she is putting the blame on me. I am looking at myself to figure out what I can do to remedy our situation. She fully acknowledges her mistake and is remorseful for that things she has done. She volunteered to go to individual counseling to get help.

2684233I wish I had advice about the baby but instead Ill just give you some of these & wish you luck for getting through this

Thank you. The issues with the baby are entirely mine. The fact that my wife is pregnant is not something that she can change. I need to change my attitude about the pregnancy. My wife's issues are separate and she is working on them. I pray that something will happen with regards to what I can control.

[dillydAlly]

Hi Bausen,

Your commitment to your family and your wife is commendable. There should be more men withe same priorities as you.

I think it is safe to say we all feel for you and we all hope that you some how come to peace with your new little bundle of joy.

(I am not religious) .You say that god is a big part of your life. Lean on this faith and this may help you come to peace with the situation you are in.

It is sad that your wife's family is so far away. That would be tough, i do kind of understand how she is feeling. Perhaps the spending is making her feel better as she is longing to be with her family and it makes her feel better.

I will give you some perspective - I have a family member who, granted has had a messed up life so far, is married. She got pregnant with her first by IVF as she did not want to have sex with her DH. She raised this child to be almost and exact image (personality) of herself. Anyway I digress. She pushed her husband away and spent spent all his money on anything and everything she wanted. Including designer baby clothes that they could ill afford. (including $300 Aus Christian Dior Baby Bikins's). When the relationship started to fade and she wasn't getting much attention from her husband she decided to go and get implanted with another embryo from the previous IVF cycle. Needless to say the baby was born and she recieved the attention she wanted - ie baby shower. Anyway in this case this woman (my cousin) has since walked out on the kids and her husband because of her own issues and the girls are the ones that suffer.
Luckily they have a father that loves them unconditionally regardless of whether he had a choice about them being born. (they are my god daughters and I am helping him out alot).... I don't think that this is the situation you are in but there are elements that certainly remind me of your story. Ie getting pregnant when it wasn't what the father wanted.....

Ally

[SixtiesChild]

Hi there Bausen,

I really believe that love finds a way and that Love covers a multitude of sins, including betrayal.

I wanted to say something from a spiritual perspective which I think is relevant to you.


Unless your wife has repented herself betraying you, it is going to be more difficult for you to forgive her.
And without forgiving her it is difficult for you to stop resenting the pregnancy.
So your wife needs to repent and you need to see the evidence, so that you can move on to forgiving her.
For her: Repentance is the key
For you: Forgiveness is the key

The difficulty lies in the fact that these things cannot be rushed and take time, and now you have a baby on the way soon, which is adding to the pressure.

Do you & your wife study the scriptures together?
Read the scriptures about repentance and forgiveness together with your wife and see if you can work on it that way.
There are some wonderful resources, even sermons on the internet about repentance and forgiveness that can help you.
God can work marvelous miracles and it is very possible through perseverance that you and your wife could find yourself eagerly awaiting this child together.

She has betrayed you Yes, but if she is genuinely sorry for that betrayal she will never do it again and she will need your forgiveness , so that in turn she can move on to the next level of maturity: A relationship of love & mutual respect.

God Bless you & your beautiful family

[Bausen]

Thank you Ally and Ethereal for your recent responses. One of my good buddies that I talked to about my situation offered to buy me the book "The Bait of Satan" and overnight it to me. I should be getting this tomorrow. At the same time, I have been reviewing the scriptures on repentance and forgiveness. After getting a solid footing on the important scriptures I invited my wife to review them with me. This went well and we are in the process of looking for a biblical study guide we can work through together on the topic.

I believe, as Ethereal suggested, that until my wife is fully repentant it will be tough for me to be fully forgiving. Until I am fully forgiving it will be difficult for me to avoid resenting the fruits of the betrayal.

This thread has helped steer me towards what I needed to do both from encouragement to lean on one of my friends for support to encouragement to lean on my faith in God in this time. This has been very helpful to me and I am again filled with hope that everything will be okay.

Thank you everyone for all the kind words and advice. It will be a process before I can put this whole issue in the past, but I feel like I am on the right path now. Being able to write to you anonymous wonderful people has been very therapeutic to me. Today has been my best day in some weeks.