Step Kids Dilema

[Ingrid79]

Hi! Everyone

I'm new to this and just needed to vent.
I'm a step mum of a 10 year old girl and a 8 year old boy and I have a 1 year old bio daughter.

I'm very sad as the older these kids are getting the less respect they have for their Dad and I and everything we do and say goes back to their mum and not exactly in the way it happened. Little Miss SD10 has been causing me much sadness, she's a good kid but loves causing conflic between her mum and us.

I've been with DH since 2003 and have watched the kids grow. They were sweet and loving and now they aren't so nice.

I'd like to think I treat them just the same as before Sian was born.

I just feel that lately I can't do anything right by them. They don't like my food anymore and they always treat me rude.

DH doesn't want to talk to their mum as his scared to comfort her incase she takes them away, and doesn't want to talk to the kids as he says they kids and are problably not doing it on purpose.


Bio Mum has been really rude. Making plans for the kids on the afternoons that we pick them up and not having any consideration.

We have them every second weekend and I'm considering taking the bub's and going away next time we have the for the weekend just so that I don't have to be treated bad and be up-set by their little comments.

Also Dh and I flight everytime we have the kids because he lets them do everything and I say that their are rules at our house and it shoul'd be broken because they are here.

So if I go away we wont fight!

Wish the kids went back to being the nice kids they were last year.

Any advice..

[InSaneOne]

i think you might need to sit down with the kids and have a good talk about what is expected at your house and if they don't like the rules then they can stay away. we have had similar talks with my dh's older 3 kids and it has worked. ds13 very nearly didn't make 13 - he was that rude and completely disrespectful to me that i had dh ask him to leave if he couldn't show me any respect. he is now very nice to me and we all get along great. however we treat the kids how we want to be treated so try that tactic too. if they don't like your cooking - well i guess they can go hungry then huh

[Meemo]

Hey hun...
Firstly to you, I completely understand your situation!
I have been with DP since 2003 also, I have 3 SS's aged 12, 10 and 7. We have them 3 nights a week, and we have our good weeks and bad weeks.
DP and I used to fight all the time when we had them also, it turned into a very stressful environment. I also found that I became 'harder to live with' in a way, I had little patience and different ideals on parenting to what DP did, and yes although it was my home as well as his, ultimately he is dad so he had the final say. So little things I would let side but I still ensured they used their manners and had respect for their 'guardians', and treated our home with respect.
I have had problems on and off over the years, I find that as they get older their attitudes change and they become more defiant and demanding. They've all gone through stages where I would get attitude and looks as if to say 'you're not my mum, I don't have to listen to you', and yes it hurt like hell, I've watched them grow up and went from being the cool SM to the evil one, my youngest SS is going through it right now, he's hot and cold, but I let it slide, because I know that it will pass and it will get better.
When they go through stages like that, I leave them alone. I give them their space and leave it all up to DP. It may take days, weeks or even months, but they do snap out of it eventually.
Our SS's also like to try and cause trouble, they'll say things about their mum to us, complaining etc. and vice versa, we just shrug it off, luckily though we all get along brilliantly so it never causes any major problems as we discuss it. The kids are slowly learning that it doesn't work and they're the ones who end up getting in trouble.
I think you just have to be patient, I know all too well how hard it is, but take a step back. Take PLENTY of deep breaths, and if they get too much take DD out for a while and have a break. It is important for them to be having quality time with their father alone also.

It's a huge adjustment to make for kids, they have a new little sister to compete with who gets their dad all the time. It's tough. Just when you think they're used to it and everything's going great, they throw a spanner in the works. No doubt they have a different sets of rules for each house, what mum lets them get away with you may not, and vice versa. It's a tough situation to be in, but communication is key.
They're growing up, they're understanding a lot more and trying to figure it all out in their own way. Not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure they'll be throwing their mother a similar, if not the same attitude they throw you. It takes time, but you will get there.

Sorry it's such a long reply!
I think I covered everything!

HTH!
If you ever want to vent feel free to pm me!

[Ingrid79]

Thanks for you reply I really appreciate it!
I guess I'll have to lay back and relax a little more. I may go away for the weekend so the kids can have some quality time with their dad, who know they may come around.

[dragonlady]

I think your DH needs to set some consistent boundaries both with the kids, and their mother. Of course they will all (including bio mum) keep acting out, and get worse gradually if he lets them 'get away with it'. It does not mean he has to go ranting and raving of course, but just be consistent, calm and fair. Fair to you as well. The kids not liking your food and being rude about it? And he is letting them think that's ok??

Getting away and leaving them to it for a weekend might just be what they need to see how much you do do.

[Ingrid79]

Thanks Dragonlady!
That's exactly what I'm doing, I'm going away.

When DH told the kids I wasn't going to be here they said OH! but why!

It will be nice for them to have so quality time with just DH anyway.

Thanks Buddy!