Against the odds- the birth of my Hannah Grace

[MyFourCubs]

My daughter Hannah was born nearly 12 months ago, on the 29th April 2007. I wrote her bith story some time ago but as the experience involved thoughts and emotions that are difficult to relive and acknowlege, I never felt quite ready to share it. As it is her birthday on Tuesday I wanted to celebrate her birth by finally sharing our story with you. Thanks for reading.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAUTIFUL GIRL!

Part 1

When my husband and I fell unexpectantly pregnant with our 3rd child, just 8 months after our son Alexander was born, we were horrified. Like my first, it had been a traumatic birth in which I had haemorrhaged to the point that I had needed surgery to stop the bleeding. I had ongoing problems, which had left me exhausted and suffering severe postnatal depression. In addition, my son suffered horrendous colic. Although things were getting better- we had stayed a week at Tresillian and Alex had been diagnosed with severe dairy and soy allergy, I was only coping reassured by the knowledge that I would never have to go through it again. I was literally traumatised by the birth and even the thought of it brought back feelings of panic.

My doctor’s advice, with my history of difficult pregnancies and births and my ongoing health problems- I suffer from an autoimmune disorder called fibromyalgia and a crippling bladder condition- was that I should terminate. After Alexander’s birth I had been told not to fall pregnant again. While the thought of this birth was petrifying and I really did not think I was well enough to look after another baby, abortion was not an option that I would consider.

It was therefore primarily relief when at 8 weeks pregnant I began to bleed. I truly believed that it was “not meant to be,” and while a part of me was sad it seemed as though it was out of my hands. After a few days of bleeding I went to the doctor for an ultrasound to check whether I had miscarried completely. It was at this point I was told that not only had I not miscarried, the baby’s heartbeat was strong and although I was bleeding, everything looked completely normal. I really had no idea how to cope with this news. I had come to terms with the pregnancy ending by reassuring myself that the pregnancy was likely a “blighted ovum,” where nothing had formed in the first place. To know that there was now a baby with a heart beat that I could still potentially lose was a tidal wave of conflicting emotion. A small part of me was so relieved that there was a heartbeat, but there was still the very real likely hood that this baby would die. I was in limbo- I honestly did not know how to feel.

My doctor again told me that my only option was to terminate. I would surely miscarry anyway and with my history of post partum haemorrhage, I was better to terminate in a controlled environment. While I understood his logic, I felt I had to give both the baby and I a chance to get through this.

At the advice of two close friends who were also pregnant, I went to see a local obstetrician specialising in “at risk,” pregnancies and births. As things turned out, he was brilliant. Yes, I was bleeding but he reassured me that the baby seemed fine. It was growing, the heartbeat was strong and if I wanted to continue with the pregnancy he would deliver by caesarean to avoid my history repeating itself. While this also terrified me, he was confident, empathetic and reassuring. Finally, I felt a glimmer of hope.

The weeks went on and while I still struggled with the pregnancy both physically and emotionally, everything seemed ok. Then at the 19-week ultrasound we were told that I had placenta praevia. While my dr was unconcerned and said that the placenta would likely move up anyway, I became convinced that I would end up in hospital for months of the pregnancy. How would we cope? My husband couldn’t take that much time off work. I was certainly not ready to spend time away from my toddler son and my 5 year old daughter was in tears already at me going into hospital again as the stay last time had been lengthy. The weeks went by and physically I was ok but I was becoming more and more terrified at what the future would hold.

At 33 weeks my friends threw me an impromptu baby shower after which I went home and cried. I was so terrified that I would not love this baby. I felt nothing for it except resentment and fear. My now 15-month-old son (who has since been diagnosed with autism,) was such a handful that I had absolutely no idea how I would cope with this baby as well. My biggest worry, beyond anything was that I would not bond with this baby at all. After all, my son was a much-wanted baby but due to the trauma of his birth and the months that followed it took a long time to bond with him. How could I expect to bond with a baby that I didn’t even want?

The next day I had my usual check up with my obstetrician. It was a complete shock when we found that in the three weeks since I had seen him neither my fundal height nor weight had changed and I was now measuring 3 weeks behind. Stunned, I left his office with a multitude of requests for ultrasounds, foetal monitoring and blood tests. I had been so consumed with not wanting this bab that it had never occurred to me that something could actually go wrong with it. When I had asked what would happen if the baby had stopped growing, (and I will never forget the look on his face or the graveness of his voice), my doctor answered “I will deliver.”

Already terrified of having this baby in 5 weeks I was now faced with the very real prospect that not only might I have this baby now, the baby would be tiny. The implications of delivering a premature 4lb baby terrified me. I flew into over drive. Instead of taking some time to rest, which was probably what I needed most, I spent the next week cooking, cleaning and trying to attend all of my required appointments. I also researched possible causes for the baby not growing which of coarse all served to heighten my anxiety. It was here that I first learned the term, “Inter Uterine Growth Retardation,” or “IUGR” This is when something in the Uterine environment, usually the placenta, is not functioning properly and hence the baby’s growth becomes affected. The baby could be deprived of nutrients, oxygen and could even die. Early delivery was almost always required followed by intense neonatal care.

An ultrasound confirmed that the baby was small, approximately 4lb but my placenta seemed ok and the fluid level was good. My obstetrician relaxed slightly but still felt concerned enough that he sent me for another ultrasound in a specialist clinic 2 hours away; “Just to make sure.”

By the day of the ultrasound I had really reassured myself that all would be fine. The baby was transverse and several people had told me that this could prevent an adequate measurement being taken. Surely a high tech scan would confirm that everything was fine?

The first words uttered by the sonographer put an immediate end to my calm: “Have you noticed any fluid loss at all?” When I answered “no,” she replied: “Well, there is no fluid around your baby.” The rest of the scan I spent fighting tears as she and the head doctor confirmed that had I a complete placenta praevia, (where the placenta is blocking the cervix,) I had no fluid and the baby was very small. It was almost certainly a case of “IUGR.” It was also felt that there were several dangerous vessels around the placenta, both foetal and maternal, that meant that the baby and I could severely haemorrhage at any time. By the end of the appointment my obstetrician had been contacted and he had given the firm direction that I be admitted to hospital immediately. I would be given steroids to help the baby’s lungs develop. The baby would be delivered early the next week and a very close eye would be kept on us until then.

I sobbed the entire way home. I began to seriously doubt that I had done the right thing in keeping this pregnancy. I was not ready to have this baby when I still had a baby at home. I had brought this upon myself- this baby knew that it wasn’t wanted, that I didn’t want it. This was my punishment.

After a day in hospital, I managed to convince my obstetrician to let me go to dinner with my partner. It was our 7 year anniversary and as the last 8 months had been utterly horrendous and our relationship had been seriously tested, we both really wanted one last chance to be just us, Matt and Sara, without our children, before this baby, just to remind ourselves that our relationship still mattered. While I was so tense during dinner, petrified that I would begin to suddenly bleed to death at the dinner table, I cannot describe my amazement and joy when, as my desert was presented, so was a beautiful engagement ring. (The words, “Marry Me Sara!” were also written in chocolate on my plate but I didn’t realise until it was pointed out!”) Boy, what timing. If I had needed anything to get me through the next few days, it didn’t get better than that.

[MyFourCubs]

The following day, an ECG showed that the baby was becoming inactive. The words used were that her heart rate was “non-reassuring.” By this point my fundal height had actually decreased to 30 weeks, (I was now 36) and the fluid was so low that I could feel every limb of the baby in my abdomen. My doctor was called and I had an IV inserted and started on fluids. Although it was becoming obvious that I was being prepped for delivery, I didn’t really believe it until my obstetrician appeared (In his tennis clothes as it was a Sunday!) Took one look at the CTG and said, “Let’s go.” In a flurry of activity I was being wheeled out the door and my wonderful friend who just happened to be in visiting was donning a cap and gown in case my husband didn’t make it in time. I couldn’t be given a pre med as it would have put the baby at further risk and I was literally shaking with nerves. I will never forget the moment where my Dr stopped- looked at me, held my hand and said,
“I want a private paediatritian for the baby.” (We were not covered for one.)
“I just don’t know how ther baby is going to be.”
After a significant length of time waiting for the spinal block to take effect, (it didn’t,) I remember thinking, Oh my God, the baby is not being monitored and I can’t feel it moving. What if they deliver her and she’s dead?
I was finally put under general anaesthetic. I was so relieved. I don’t think my nerves would have held up much longer.

I woke up shaking uncontrollably from the anaesthetic but in no pain, (which because of my bladder condition had been an enormous fear.) In an instant I heard the most beautiful words in my memory: “You have had a little baby girl. She is in the nursery and doing well.” I was also told that despite the risks my caesarean had been straightforward and all was fine. I cannot describe the joy I felt at this moment. It was as though every fear had been on getting through the pregnancy and the birth and now that I was on the other side and she was here I was ok. Then it struck me to ask about her weight and I heard, “4lbs13oz.” My stomach did a somersault at the reality of her size. I guess right up to this moment I had prayed that they were wrong. I would later also learn that she had required resuscitation at birth and her Apgar score was only 2. The important thing was that now she was fine, so I had been spared the anxiety that witnessing this would have brought. .

I was wheeled up to see her in the nursery although I was so groggy it’s hard to remember. I recall stretching my hand through the humidicrib to feel her soft, downy head. She looked so tiny.

The following morning, after a night spent drifting in and out of sleep I was becoming anxious to see my daughter. Before long, friends were pouring in with bags of tiny 00000 clothing, flowers and teddy bears. Their overwhelming support helped made the experience so wonderful. After my first daughter and son were born I refused visitors because I was in such a bad state. The difficult thing this time was that people were coming in to see a baby who was not there to see! By the afternoon I was finally allowed out of bed to shower and wheeled down to see my baby. I can honestly say that the very second I laid eyes on her I fell in love with her. She was perfect! So tiny, but so perfect. She had spent the night in a humidicrib; because of her size she couldn’t maintain her body temperature and her blood sugar was low. She was now in a cot, still on a glucose drip but I was able to hold her and attempt to feed her. This would turn out to be our biggest problem because she was so small she didn’t have the ability to suck properly and would tire easily.

When my obstetrician visited that day he confirmed what I had already suspected: If I had not been in hospital and monitored the day of her delivery she would have died. Ironically, after all my doubts during the pregnancy, the reality that we came so close to losing her was horrifying. We named her “Hannah Grace,” because it seemed that it was only through the grace of God that she was here. We were also given stern instructions not to fall pregnant again. Fine by us!

The week in hospital would prove not to be without anxiety as the feeding would not happen easily and I was determined to breastfeed my tiny girl. Her weight was my main concern, although pronounced very healthy she was so small that even layers of blankets was not sufficient to keep her warm. In the end the nurses would have me strip us both down to have skin to skin or, “kangaroo care,” which seemed to work. After 3 days she was allowed to “room in” with me and by the end of the week, weighing a tiny 2.08kgs I was able to take her home.

As I write this, at almost 12 months old, Hannah is doing beautifully. She is still small but well on the growth chart,and has and is meeting all her developmental milestones. We are still breastfeeding, which has been difficult but successful. After a horrific time trying to feed my son and eventually giving up, I learned, once again, that history doesn’t always have to repeat itself.

She is an incredible little person- so feisty and so full of character and full of life. I look at her and I fully understand how she made it through a pregnancy that was against all the odds- she is a fighter and was obviously 100% determined to be here!

It is so hard to believe that after all my worry and belief that I could not love this baby, the love for Hannah came much easier than for the others. I really believe that the positive birthing experience made it so much easier. It is ironic I know, so many women feel that they failed by having a caesarean, but In my experience whatever gets Mum and Bub through safely is a success. There is so much expectation that you will instantly love your baby and it is not always the case, especially when the baby is thrust upon you after a difficult and exhausting birth. I know that it is different for every body but this time with no postnatal complications, no trauma, I had so much more energy to love her.

Despite spending the pregnancy truly believeing that she was unwanted- it has taken a while for me to realise that she was not unwanted- I was simply terrified of her birth and of how I would cope when she was here. I doubted my abilities to love another child, (because of the difficulties that I had encountered with my son,) and as hard as I had tried, I couldn't imagine our family any other way than we were. Now, I look at her perfect face and I hear her laugh and I see her playing with her brother and her sister and I see the smiles on our faces and I know, more than I have ever known anything, that she was meant to be here. As much as the stars are in the sky and the sun brightens overhead- my world would be lost without her.

I am just so happy that after two horrific births, third time round I was able to tell a different story, a tale of unexpected joy. Hannah is the light of our life and I thank God (and my wonderful obstetrician!) every day that she is here.


Thank you so much to my wonderful friends and family for all their contributions towards the pregnancy and birth of my precious girl.
Sara

http://i301.photobucket.com/albums/n...s/P4290420.jpg
First photo with Dad

http://i301.photobucket.com/albums/n...s/P5160001.jpgPart 2
My little baby girl- 2 weeks old

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My sleeping beauty- 5 weeks old


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First smile- 10 weeks old

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My mushroom baby- 3 and a half months


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My beautiful girl at 9 mths old

Story update and recent photos Page 3!

[naiwen]

Oh wow Sara thats an increadible story,

I am in no way horrified, I totally understand that a traumantic birth and a sick baby could traumatise you to the point where you couldnt face another pregnancy.
You are so brave writing all of that and posting it up here.

I might ask you questions about IUGR BTW!

[GeorgiaAnne]

Congratulations, though it was a year ago. I can totally understand your feelings towards having an other child after what you've been through but it is brave to admit it. I'm glad Hannah is going so well

[mummyof5]

Thanks for sharing such an honest account of your feelings about the birth of your baby daughter.
Wonderful to hear that it has worked out so well for you both in the end.
You are a very resiliant lady, your little girl obviously shares those traits with you!

[Jamily]

Your story brought tears to my eyes....as Mum to an IUGR baby its always good to hear other success stories.

Congratulations and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Hannah Grace

[Sammilee]

Thank you so much for sharing your incredible birth story and journey. So glad to hear that everything turned out well for you and your beautiful bubba Hannah.

[MyFourCubs]

Thank you so much for your replies. I was actually really nervous about reading peoples responses and I am so happy and grateful thats so far they are positive!!
Have just added photos of my baby girl, (just spent and hour doing it when I have her birthday party tommorrow and stuff to do, but priorities, priorities
For those of you with IUGR bubs please feel free to add your stories here! Glad there are more happy endings!

[BreakfastatTiffanys]

What a beautiful birth story.

Welcome to the world Hannah Grace

Happy 1st Birthday too.

[Stargazer Lily]

thanks for sharing your story

you sound like a very strong woman

and your daughter is just beautiful and I love, love, love her name!!

Hope she has a great party!

ps. I had moments when I didn't want my babies whilst pregnant too (2 pregnancies with severe 24hour morning sickness and high risk pregnancies ending in PE) - not an easy thing to admit is it? but we are only human and illness makes it all so hard, especially when others seemingly glide & glow through the whole experience...
Be gentle on yourself.