I know that so many of you have overcome alot to breast feed your children. Im in need of so much support, and Im really hopefully that you will be able to help me.
I breastfed my son for a month, before switching to bottles full of EBB, at about 4 months I couldnt handled the routine of breastfeeding. My whole life was being consumed with expressing then feeding... expressing then feeding. I was so sore, and stressed, my supply had dropped to next to nothing.
Why did I express? It would have been SO MUCH EASIER just to BREASTFEED straight out... I expressed because breastfeeding made me feel suicidal, sadly, thats not even close to an exageration. It made me feel dirty, and it hurt and well, every time my little baby latched on, I wanted to die. Im sure that alot of this has to do with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teen. Most women would sit there and look lovingly at their child, experiencing a warmth and bonding that no one else can share. Me, I sat there with tears running down my face, wishing that he would reject me so I could stop.
I know that breast is best, that nothing else can even come close. Thus why I worked so hard to keep expressing for him as long as I could. It was definately a really long and hard road.
So this is why its all relevant today... Im 18 weeks pregnant with number 2.
I KNOW that BREAST IS BEST, that as there is no physical reason why I shouldnt, or can't breastfeed. My hubby wants me to breast feed, my mum tells me that even if I do it for a couple of weeks its good...
Im feeling so much pressure already, and every time I THINK about breastfeeding it makes me want to cry. I have an actual physical reaction, my skin crawls, my fingers tingle (like an electric shock) and I feel like Im going to throw up! Talking about it makes me cry. I dont want to do it, but I DO!
Can anyone help me? I need support, and information.... I do WANT to breastfeed, because I know its the best thing I can do for my baby. But I need to be able to cope with my own issue, or Im scared I wont make it through.
Ps. Thank you for reading my very very long ramble.