HELP PLEASE - Overcoming an aversion to breast feeding...

**Mischief** · 22-04-2008 10:15

Hi ladies,

I know that so many of you have overcome alot to breast feed your children. Im in need of so much support, and Im really hopefully that you will be able to help me.

I breastfed my son for a month, before switching to bottles full of EBB, at about 4 months I couldnt handled the routine of breastfeeding. My whole life was being consumed with expressing then feeding... expressing then feeding. I was so sore, and stressed, my supply had dropped to next to nothing.

Why did I express? It would have been SO MUCH EASIER just to BREASTFEED straight out... I expressed because breastfeeding made me feel suicidal, sadly, thats not even close to an exageration.

It made me feel dirty, and it hurt and well, every time my little baby latched on, I wanted to die. Im sure that alot of this has to do with the sexual abuse I experienced as a teen. Most women would sit there and look lovingly at their child, experiencing a warmth and bonding that no one else can share. Me, I sat there with tears running down my face, wishing that he would reject me so I could stop.

I know that breast is best, that nothing else can even come close. Thus why I worked so hard to keep expressing for him as long as I could. It was definately a really long and hard road.

So this is why its all relevant today... Im 18 weeks pregnant with number 2.

I KNOW that BREAST IS BEST, that as there is no physical reason why I shouldnt, or can't breastfeed. My hubby wants me to breast feed, my mum tells me that even if I do it for a couple of weeks its good...

Im feeling so much pressure already, and every time I THINK about breastfeeding it makes me want to cry. I have an actual physical reaction, my skin crawls, my fingers tingle (like an electric shock) and I feel like Im going to throw up! Talking about it makes me cry. I dont want to do it, but I DO!

Can anyone help me? I need support, and information.... I do WANT to breastfeed, because I know its the best thing I can do for my baby. But I need to be able to cope with my own issue, or Im scared I wont make it through.

X
Kat

Ps. Thank you for reading my very very long ramble.

**~Alicia** · 22-04-2008 10:21

Oh Kat

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some advice for you. My only suggestion would be calling an ABA counsellor.

**Mamalicious** · 22-04-2008 10:30

I hope someone can help.

I had the same problem.

**justmum** · 22-04-2008 10:32

Oh my goodness, that's such a hard situation

Counselling sounds like a good idea.

What about something that stops actual contact? I used nipples shields for 6 months. Not ideal, but might help?

I don't really know just

**Mischief** · 22-04-2008 13:25

Originally Posted by Mamalicious

I hope someone can help.

I had the same problem.

Yep, its horrible isnt it.

Thank you everyone.

**Ana Gram** · 22-04-2008 13:33

I felt the same way and I am pretty sure it was because of the rape. So many times I wanted to throw her as far away as possible, I hated her.

I wouldn't recommend ringing the ABA but that is purely because of my own experience with them. If you did ring them, I would be asking for a certified counsellor who knows about emotional trauma resulting from sexual abuse.

**Mamalicious** · 22-04-2008 13:35

I'd say Chelle is right with that one, it might be good to ring both actually.

AM · 22-04-2008 13:39

I think counselling is pretty much the way to go, I don't think the ABA would be much help to be honest.

Hypnosis????

What a tough thing to have to overcome <hugs>

**Mischief** · 22-04-2008 13:46

I think it has everything to do with the abuse. It makes it very hard for my hubby to understand though, because he cant see how you can transfer those feelings to a baby who is so innocent and loving. Honestly, I dont understand it either, but the feeling was definately there, VERY VERY strongly.

I did have some counseling for a while, but the biggest problem was that even WITH the medicare rebate it was still costing $40+ each session, and even though that sounds like a small amount to most people, its something I dont think we can really afford.

Hoping to find the courage to talk to the midwives at my appointment to ask for councilling through the hospital. Im pretty sure they offer it... has anyone been public before?

I guess some of it could be to do with my birthing experience too. I was so exausted and in pain, and I can remember them trying to get Oliver to feed right away...I just wanted to have some time to myself to assimilate what had just happened. I feel like such a bad mum!

**Ana Gram** · 22-04-2008 14:01

Originally Posted by Mischief

I guess some of it could be to do with my birthing experience too. I was so exausted and in pain, and I can remember them trying to get Oliver to feed right away...I just wanted to have some time to myself to assimilate what had just happened. I feel like such a bad mum!

Absolutely. I felt the same way. I woke up from that horrible birth to find a midwife had striped me down to my waist and was shoving DD onto my breast. I felt so disgusting, I feel sick just thinking about it now.