Support Needed...

[woven_wings]

I am very new to being an army partner, under a year and I am feeling very unsupported atm.

DP is in the army. He is currently away for a month (out field - so no contact), we are 2 weeks in. This is only my second stint of time away from him and I am feeling rather lonely and unsupported. My friends and family dont understand.

I love him so much and I know and full-well understand that when I agreed to be his other half, that I was also agreeing to the army running our lives.

Deployment is the most scariest thing for me at the moment. I look up to and admire all those who have had a partner/hubby overseas. One of our friends just returned to his family after 6 months away.

Just wanted to see if there are any partners/wives out there that could share experiences with me, give me tips and pointers, share their views and support me.

Thankyou.

[lavenderpegasus]

Howdy,

first of all for you! You'l be ok, and I'm sure you know that but it's not a nice feeling being lonely. So I have some questions for you...

Do you have any Children if so how many and age.
WHere are you living
Do you have any family around you
Is this a new posting
Do you work

Okies, My hubby(navy) has been away for the last 6 months and this would have to be the hardest time apart as we have a 9 month old little boy and for me, this has made the time apart horrible.
In regards to the actual deployment, I wasn't really worried about where he was going. As this was due to something my huby said before going which was... when they go away normally lets say Hawaii they don't suspect any one/boat to be a potential Hazard so they ask Questions first and really think before taking action butin the Gulf they are prepared to take action straigh away no fluffling around. So they are Alert not alarmed...hehe It made me feel better...
In regards to family no understanding, no one understands what it is like unless they have no it and then they can only imagine what it is like for you.I'm sure there are people out there that prefer the time there loved ones are away now they have children to when they didn't. Where I prefered it when I didnt have bubs, as I feel less safe and stuck at home.

Do you feel unsupported by your DP or by family or everyone??

Okies I'll check in later


lp in wa

[KJEmum]

Hi there, the best thing to do is keep busy. If you have kids, great .. it helps but can also send you potty therefore you have to make regular trips out of the house for mental therapy or that too will send you potty.

My DH is going to be chuffing off soon .. then back .. then gone for 6mths so that'll be an interesting stint for us.

Anyhow, you're not alone. We have recently moved to WA and I've had to venture to the community house in order to meet other defence spouses cos otherwise yeh .. civvies don't always get it but they have their family things to do when you're looking to get together so it's ideal knowing other defence spouses with a DH away the same time yours is.

There are some great support networks here on the net by way of defence spouse forums and worth their weight in gold, all going through what you are and can completely relate. Facebook is another great way of networking. PM me if you need more info or links to the sites.

I've been a Navy spouse for 15yrs now and only found out about these sites/forums mid last year.

[samsgirls]

Hi there wovenwings,

it is quite a tough lifstyle, i admit and sometimes i hate it, but it has its perks too. My DH was army for 7 years, and just transferred to Navy last April. He has just come home after being away for 6 weeks, and his next stint away will be for 3 months. If you are working, that will help pass time, it is usally worse at night time i find, after my kids have gone to bed. It helps making friends who understand the lifestyle, but it is great having friends in general who are there to talk to, if u are feeling down. But we are here to support you mate.

[ConcernedParent]

Hi there,

I sometimes find people to be less than understanding too. I have been told, "you knew what you were getting yourself into when you married him" but now have a good counter arguement.

Have you ever started a new job and discovered it was not what you thought it would be like? Or that you discovered that an exciting opportunity was not what you wanted it to be? Or gone on a holiday and it was nothing like you expected. YET - it could be argued that you knew what you were getting yourself into.

You NEVER know what you are getting yourself into and how you will like/or not like it until you are there in that moment. Sometimes it is too late to do something about it, (renovating a house is a good example), so you just have to roll with it until you get through it.

I started a new job 2 months ago. One day we had this conversation and One lady asked, "so how many people do you know here" I said "2", she said, "well we are gonna have to start inviting you over to our house so you can meet some new people then". Until that moment, nobody knew I didn't know anyone. I have found since then that they are a lot more understanding and super supportive.

She is now my newest friend and we try to have lunch together once a week. This week 3 other collegues came with her and we had a great lunch.

That is how I overcome the understanding issue. Hope this helps you with your situation.

On another note, this forum is excellent too!!

[woven_wings]

Oh WOW! Support and understanding... more than I had ever wished for, thankyou.

To answer your questions LP:

No, no children as yet. Weve decided to wait for 3 or 4 years, until things are a 'little more stable' for us in regards to postings, etc. We're planning on getting engaged soon (anytime now... just waiting for him) and we hope to get married in April next year. DP is hoping to get leave for a few weeks and we'll come back here to get married.

Im in Adelaide, DP is based at Hampstead.

Yes - this is my home town. I grew up here, some family are here.

No, not a new posting (he's only ever been in Adelaide, since he signed up). However we're off to Duntroon next year for more training.

Yes, I work and I study full-time at Uni (final year). However, its Uni holidays atm and I nanny full-time but my kids are at their dads this week unfortunately. So just me in an empty house.

WOW - you are amazingly strong! How long until you get to see him again?

I feel unsupported by my family. Particulary my mother, who told me to grow up when I was missing him the other day and got a little teary. And also by my friends, who think that its easy. That he goes, he's away and he comes back and Im not suppose to feel any emotion while hes gone.

And KJE:

I do find that keeping busy tends to get the time flowing, although too busy burns me out. So I guess I gotta keep looking for the healthy balance.

WOW - new territories ahead for you. I sincerly wish you all the best for that. Will be thinking of you.

Im scared about being alone in Canberra. We'll move base next year and he'll be away for the first 9 weeks we're there. So I'll be in a state Ive never even visited without him.

We're unfortunately not recognised as De-facto. The army seems to classify us as just 'girlfriend and boyfriend' so I dont get access to anything and cant live on base. We are planning to get married in April and then we'll hopefully move in to married quarters on base. So Im scared that when Im first there and not considered De-facto, I'll be all alone. I guess I'll get used to it though, its just a new things for me. Thankyou to all who replied for sharing your experiences.

I have heard there are good networks though for 'other halves' at bases. Havent experienced anything here, base is too small. Met a few partners but havent really clicked.

Forums is a good idea. Thankyou for that. Id be interested in those links.

Samsgirls:

Thankyou for your support. I am finding it hard at nights. Thankyou for the extra tips too.

None of my friends, unfortunately, understand here. Hopefully I can make some new ones in the ACT that at least try to understand.

CP:

Thankyou for sharing your experience with people not being understanding.

I really like your come back/analogy too! Totally agree! I cant help being in love with him. I cant help not being able to live without him. Some people have said to me, 'if you find it hard, why are you with a guy in the army'. You cant help who you fall in love with. DP is worth it, he is the most wonderful guy I have ever met. Im not going to give that up for anything, including the fact that he's in the army.

Thankyou for sharing your experience with the making friends thing too. Makes me feel a bit better!


Thankyou ALL so much for sharing with me, I appreciate it greatly, I really do.

[MilkOnTap]

I feel unsupported by my family. Particulary my mother, who told me to grow up when I was missing him the other day and got a little teary. And also by my friends, who think that its easy. That he goes, he's away and he comes back and Im not suppose to feel any emotion while hes gone

First of all

Being a defence spouse is not easy - and we really dont get enough credit!!! In all honesty - I reckon without US and OUR support, our partners wouldn't be able to continue their roles as effectively as they do.

Family and civillian friends will never understand what its like to be a defence spouse. Its one of those things where you've gotta 'be-one-to-know-one'. I have some fantastic civvy friends, but really - they have no idea. No - one of my friends has a partner who works in the mines from Mon-Fri and is only home for the weekend - so she does understand to a certain extent what its like to be single but married.

DCO (Defence Community Organisation) aren't as god as they should be. Nor are DFA (Defence Families Australia). The best way to find support is either through here (BubHub defence spouses), find another ADF forum (there's quite a few floating round) or to try and meet your partners-mates-girlfriends/wives.

My husband is in the navy and he did a 6mth gulf trip in Mar06. Fortunately we didn't have any children at the time, and had our honeymoon when he came home. We married in the Nov before he left, but cause of training exercises in the lead up to the trip, by the time we celebrated our first anniversary we had only spent 2 or 3 months together.

It frustrates me IMMENSELY when people say "you knew what you were getting into". I just say "NO, no one told me that it would feel like this."

Ohhh - and when people whinge and complain about things that their partners do... At least their home huh?

Sorry - starting to vent lol.



Defence life isn't easy - and anyone who tries to sugar coat it is really trying to fool themself. But with the support of other defence mums and having the freedom to vent whenever you need to, you can get through it!!! We've all been there - and we all understand how you are feeling.

[lavenderpegasus]

To answer your questions LP:

No, no children as yet. Weve decided to wait for 3 or 4 years, until things are a 'little more stable' for us in regards to postings, etc. We're planning on getting engaged soon (anytime now... just waiting for him) and we hope to get married in April next year. DP is hoping to get leave for a few weeks and we'll come back here to get married.

Im in Adelaide, DP is based at Hampstead.

Yes - this is my home town. I grew up here, some family are here.

No, not a new posting (he's only ever been in Adelaide, since he signed up). However we're off to Duntroon next year for more training.

Yes, I work and I study full-time at Uni (final year). However, its Uni holidays atm and I nanny full-time but my kids are at their dads this week unfortunately. So just me in an empty house.

WOW - you are amazingly strong! How long until you get to see him again?

I feel unsupported by my family. Particulary my mother, who told me to grow up when I was missing him the other day and got a little teary. And also by my friends, who think that its easy. That he goes, he's away and he comes back and Im not suppose to feel any emotion while hes gone.

Okies, now I have the full details....

So the advice i have for you is make it (the time he is away) special for you to. When my hubby goes away he goes to all of these new and amazing places. So treat your self to something new and amazing too.
If he goes away for a long time organise to meet up with him in a loction. Other partners do it and so it will be great fun. I flew to Hawaii to see my hubby again and it was great fun. ALso when he was away (before we had Spencer) I did things like learn new thing Golf, Trapeze, cooking classes, going to new restaurants with friends.

Log on to places like adrenalin for stuff to get your heart pumping... It doesnt have to be expensive. but you could even travel interstate and do stuff.. I loved the Quad bikes in sydney very fun...

As for Family and Friends. My Dad will ask how my DH is and when I say well he is away right now and he is blah blah blah, doesn't matter what i say he ALWAYS replies with Well you chose to marry him...grrr

My mum cries all the time when i mention he misses us and his family backs HIM 100% he can't do a thing wrong so when I say he need to stay home more... they seem to take his side (not that there is a side)
Friends WILL understand one day when they love someone as much as you love you man. There partner will go away for one night and they will call you crying. And because your nice person you'll be supportive to them.

My hubby is coming home Mothers Day... yay


lp in wa

my last piece of advice for now and later, not sure how you guys work the money? But we live with our mony working for us, as in our money is to make our lives easier not sit in a bank.. If life is hard and something you can buy will make life easier buy it... If you get lost easily buy a navman, if you have to go to a pay phone to talk buy a mobile, if you are starving because you can;t cook, order pizza...