Best Friend problems

**quaver** · 03-04-2008 18:00

I have a really good friend that I have known for 12 years. We talk to each other once a week and catch up in person every other because we have always led pretty busy careers. I have just had a beautiful son 4 months ago and life has really changed- as ya know! The thing is she has not got kids and our talks and catch ups are not the same. I feel that she does not understand me anymore and conversation gets stuck. I don't talk baby stuff to her because she does not cope. I go out of my way to catch up as I think she thinks I twiddle my thumbs all day being a stay at home Mum. What should I do? I miss the old way we used to catch up and she has been such a good friend in the past. Has anyone been through this? Is it time to move on through growing apart or should I stick with it. I have new friends but it takes so long to truly know a person? I know I have blabed but any thoughts would be helpful

**justmum** · 03-04-2008 18:11

I would be honest and say that it feels like things are different since baby came along and is it my imagination or have things changed?

Then try and get her to open up with you. Maybe she feels a bit like she doesn't have your focus when you catch up?

She'll get used to it hun - it's an adjustment for everyone when a baby comes long.

**bootiful** · 03-04-2008 18:22

its nice (i think) to see that another person is going through this ..makes me feel a little less crazy.

my b/f of nearly 20yrs and i are in the same situation.

i feel she never has time for me (she works full-time) and that her other friends are come first.
she much prefers (in my eyes) to go have a gamble, a drink, go to a party or night out then just sit and chat.
i don't drink much, i don't smoke anymore, i can't go away interstate or for girly weekends...all of which she does with other friends.

i feel like she doesnt have time for me or my daughter at all...and yes she does have time for her other friends kids (even taking them to the park etc)

i am really trying to work things out with her as its a huge thing to just throw away.

but in answer to your question....sometimes people just grow apart and there is nothing you can do about it unfortunately.

i too have made some new friends since being on BH (she doesnt consider those my REAL friends) and they are lovely girls. i have become best friends with a few and it does take time...but how much time is up to you both. when you feel comfortable you will know.

good luck

**OneNowOneLater** · 03-04-2008 21:29

I can sympathise completley. I'm going thru this with my bestie at the moment.

We cant communicate anymore (not as openly and bout random things like we used to), we barely see each other, its frustrating as hell, when she can see i'm struggling with something - like tonight at the shops, i was holding a wiggly dd, two pairs of shoes and my purse. i dropped a shoe, i asked her to pick it up and hold it for me, so she handed it straight back to dd, who promptly threw it on the ground.

When dd was little she used to help. now she wont even hold a shoe even though i asked nicely. I dont know what to do with our friendship anymore. I know she'll always be there for DD and I, but at the moment, when i need her, she cant be bothered, and says "you're a mum now, you need to learn how to do things for yourself. what would u do if i wasnt here?". We ended up in a big fight after that.

We've gone through hell and back with each other, so saying good bye to her would be the worst thing to do for us, but at the same time, its hard not to.

I, too, have made some good friends from off of BH.

Sorry for hyjacking... needed to vent a little too.

**bootiful** · 04-04-2008 11:11

wow....we really aren't alone are we...

its kinda sad....

**gizmoduckus** · 04-04-2008 12:40

I understand how your friend is feeling. A couple of my friends got married at the age of 18 and had their children by the age of 24. We stopped having things in common. I was going out where ever and when ever I felt like it. I didn't understand what it was like to be sleep deprived or what actually went into looking after a child. We sort of drifted apart. I made friends who were doing the same things that I was.

I was 27 before I got married and had my DS at the age of 29. I now know what it is like and wish I had more of an understanding back then. Luckily we still kept in contact even if it was once or twice a year and I am happy to say that we are still friends.

Maybe you need to include her more in your childs life. Ask her to watch him while you just duck out to the supermarket. You could also arrange to catch up without your DS. Even if it is for a quick cup of coffee. Good friends are hard to come by and I think you should stick with it. It might be that you are both just redefining your relationship and it takes time to get used to the idea.

**Cordelia** · 04-04-2008 18:23

You're just have different "life timetables" which is natural and hard but taht's just the way life goes I guess. Its' very hard to relate. I think friends sort of come and go depending on where your'e at in life.

**quaver** · 06-04-2008 18:28

Thanks people. Specksmum, no worries nice to know that I am not the only one. I had a good chat to my friend on Friday night. (Couple of red wines always helps!) DS was babysat as it was an engagement party. She is just feeling a bit insecure and does not know what to do. With a night without bub it was back to normal. I think we both saw that underneath we are the same as before really. I said we have to organise different things to ajust, as I want to catch up. So next week we are having a DVD fest at home, so that my bub can go to sleep at home. Yay- I think it is worth trying! ta people