Not sure what to do...

[PrincessJasmine]

Sorry this may be long....My mother had a stroke at Christmas last year, she can't drive anymore and I'd had her car for the last few months (which has been great, since I've been able to get out of the house) I've also been driving her to appointments and trying to help her with Centrelink.

Since the stroke it seems she has a hard time holding her tongue. On numerous occasions she has said that DP isn't right for me. She's entitled to her opinion, but I considering we're about to have our second child I really don't want to hear it right now.

Weeks ago we arranged for me to return her car at the end of the month, so that she could sell it. The plan was to then buy a 7 seater car that would be mine and registered in my name.

We saw my mother on Monday, there was nothing wrong at that point. A couple of weeks ago she saw the doctor and we got a report that I was meant to take into Centrelink. Because of the public holidays and me being sick and pregnant, I hadn't had a chance to go hand it in.

Anyway, I get a call from my mum yesterday. It went something like this:

Me: Hello?
Mum: I want my car back today!
Me: Whats wrong?
Mum: I want my car back today!
Me: What's happened?
Mum: I want it back today, and I want that doctors report. I don't want you helping me anymore. I want to take car of things myself.
Me: ok, but what brought this on?
Mum: I want MY car back today, I don't want your help anymore. (hangs up)

This really upset me, DP tried to call her but she wouldn't answer the phone. I had to leave her a message saying we can't take the car back for a few hours as DD was sleeping.

We were planning on taking the car back and picking up my 9yo sister for a sleepover. But I wasn't able to explain any of that to mum, since she hung up on me so quick.

We took the car back, along with the doctors report and other stuff that was left here. Mum didn't even bother coming to the door, my sister called out to her. So I just handed my sister the bag of stuff and the car keys and told her to give them to mum. I asked my sis if mum was mad, she said no. Usually my mum gets in a temper and yells at my sister if she's having a bad day.

She hasn't called me, and I don't know what I've done wrong. I feel like she's disowned me I'm about to have another baby, she's only asked me how I'm feeling once during this whole pregnancy. If she's mad at me for something I've done, fair enough. But not knowing is just tearing me apart. I'm mad at her for being so insensitive and putting me throught this stress that I really don't need right now.

I really don't know what to do. Calling her is pointless as she just lets it go to the answering machine. My sister has a mobile, but I don't really want to get her involved. I suspect she has already cancelled my authority with Centrelink. I have a number for a social worker she was seeing, but I don't really want to get anyone else involved.

I just don't know what to do, until I know what's happened or what I've done wrong I can't not stop stressing about it. Its really upsetting me and getting me down.

What should I do? DP tells me I should just wipe her from my life (funny since I think he should do the same with his mother, but I never say that). I can't do that she's my mother, but it really hurts when she just shuts me out for nor reason.

I've forgiven her for so much, such as calling child services on me. For caring about her boyfriend more than me, and basically neglecting me as a teenager. I've fogiven her for the abuse I used to cop as a child, and the fact that she always believes someone else over her own daughter. I'm mad because it seems unfair that she is treating me this way now....

I really don't know what to do.... Despite all the bad things she's my mother and I need her. I don't have any other family, things have been difficult lately with DP and now I feel like I have no one to turn to. I don't need this stress right now....

[MrsP]

You definitely don't need to be going through this at the moment you poor thing.

If you can & if you want to - two very important things to remember here - go to her house & explain how you feel & ask for her to give you an answer.

Given that she has had a stroke, I understand that she might be different & behave differently to what others would in this situation which also makes it very hard.

At the end of the day, you have a choice - and only you can make it. Whichever way you go, it will probably be the hardest decision ever, but you have to make a choice after talking to her & stick with it, so make sure you take everything into consideration....

Good luck. I've had to make some decisions during this pregnancy from very extremely stressful situations, & they haven't been easy to make. Just whatever you do, ensure your decision is based on what is best for YOU & your FAMILY.

[Hokey Pokey]

Well firstly a mother should know better than to say those kinds of things about your husband/partner to you especially with another baby on the way..

Secondly, it sounds like this stroke and loss of independance has really gotten her down It must be hard for her.

[PrincessJasmine]

The problem with going over there is she is a 20 minute drive away from where I am. The car we do have DP needs for work, it also has mechanical problems at the moment so I can't drive it. In effect she's cutting her own throat. She knows I can't go over there. Worst thing is this is going to affect my sister and my daughter as well.

Short of writing her a letter, I don't know what to do. What have I done to deserve being treated like this? Since she had the stroke I've been helping her and my sister as much as I can. I don't know what more she expects from me. There's going to come a day when she will need my help, and I don't know if I'm going to give it. She's likely to have another stroke, my sister is only 9. Most likely my sister will need to come live with us at some stage in the future. Mum isn't going to be around forever.

She's been coping quite well with things, I really don't know what could have changed. I just called and left a tearful message on her machine, asking her to please tell me what I've done wrong. I doubt she'll even respond. It hurts so much, I just want my mum back.

[sunnyflower]

You poor thing.

One of the symtoms of a stroke is depression and sometimes altered thought processes.

You say that she has been abusive in the past and negletful.

As much as you say you need her,do you really want to deal with her acting irrationally when you are having a baby?.I think the best thing to do is ignore her for a while or just severely limit contact.If you can't do this you will need to put some boundaries.Even if your mum is sick and anxious about things,she must treat you with respect.You need to tell her that you will only see her if she treats you nicely.

You poor thing.Hugs to you.

[PrincessJasmine]

You're right, all I can do is just leave it for the time being. I'm just so worried about what this constant stress is doing to the baby. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and seeing if there is any medication I can take to help. Normallly I refuse anything such as anti-depressants, but I'm at the point where I'm not coping anymore. The pregnancy hormones aren't helping. I'm pretty much crying non stop, and when I get worked up I start getting really stong Braxton Hicks and some pain. I just can't seem to shut out the stress at the moment. Now I'm stressing that I'm harming my baby, and that feels even worse.

[MrsP]

You're right, all I can do is just leave it for the time being. I'm just so worried about what this constant stress is doing to the baby. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and seeing if there is any medication I can take to help. Normallly I refuse anything such as anti-depressants, but I'm at the point where I'm not coping anymore. The pregnancy hormones aren't helping. I'm pretty much crying non stop, and when I get worked up I start getting really stong Braxton Hicks and some pain. I just can't seem to shut out the stress at the moment. Now I'm stressing that I'm harming my baby, and that feels even worse.

You've done everything you can then hun - leaving the message was you putting out an olive branch - she needs to respond now otherwise all I see is you chasing her & getting more & more stressed.
As for the medication......I would go & see your dr & hopefully he can be your outlet or he can put you in contact with someone in order for you to get your feelings out there.

As for dealing with your stress at moment, maybe give yourself some time to write it all down in either point form or as a letter format to your mum - whether you give it to her or not. It sounds like we are very much in a similar situation atm & you need to do a "brain dump" to help yourself. Everything that I am feeling or have experienced that has affected me in some way is being written about. I'm putting everything in point form first, then writing a letter which I will eventually send. Once it's out, I've had my say. I feel stronger already for writing it in point form, so hopefully it will do the same for you.

I understand the crying uncontrollably bit - I've done that too, but realised I couldn't do it forever - I've done it for too long now as it is. You are in control of your feelings & to a point how you deal with things that happen to you. You need to grieve, give yourself time to do this, but please dig deep & let that inner strength shine through - you need to do this not only for yourself but your little cherubs... they come first in your life now, not your mother. She needs to understand that too - stroke or no stroke.

PM if you need

[PrincessJasmine]

Thanks MrsP, and good luck with your impending birth!

I just got a huge phone bill, and DP may loose his job because of a medical test. So thats taken my mind of the situation. I've sorted out a payment plan for the bill, and there are other options out there for DP if things go sour. I see my midwife this week, so I'm hoping I'll be able to discuss things with her. Everything seems to be going wrong all at once. DP is planning on dropping into mums, and having a word to her. I can't stop him from doing it either, to be honest I reall don't care if he upsets her.

[Biene]

I too have a fractured relationship with my mother and I often feel guilty, our last argument was huge and we're no longer on speaking terms, but I got through it by focusing on my children.

Your child and your unborn child need their mother, if you're mother is not willing to talk to you then maybe just let it go for awhile, she is an adult and maybe just needs time to simmer down but your children are just that and need their mum in a happy calm place.

[alphafemale2901]

I feel really sad for you and I have no advice just

It sounds like you have done a lot for your mum and I don't think you should internalise this as something you may have done wrong.

You need to take care of yourself right now and if that means letting your mum cut you free, then it may be the only thing you can do. Trying to patch things up at the moment might add to her power trip and just stress you out more. It doesn't help when your DP is being so ignorant and unsupportive either.

I hope its only temporary and that when your little bundle arrives your mum relents and changes her mind about being in your life. I also hope things improve with your DP really soon.

Be strong darls and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. The best you can do is look after yourself right now.

If you ever want to talk just PM me.