Is It Harmful Or Humiliating?

**Maghan** · 29-03-2006 21:23

We have had a problem recently with our 10 year old swearing at us in public (top of her voice in Bunnings Warehouse), in front of friends, at school, really anywhere that it will embarrass us the most. For months we tried time out, time in, quiet time, taking her favourite clothes away, taking her favourite toys away, not giving her desert, not giving her favourite food to eat... It did not change her behaviour.

DH had a brilliant idea, for each time she swore at us, she would get a drop of tobasco sauce on a spoon and she had to take it (we did not force her). After one go of the tobasco, she has not sworn at us again (been over a month).

We have since been told that such an act is not only harmful, but also humiliating for the child.

We are calm people, we did not give this discpline out in anger, it was an attempt to stop bad behaviour, what do you think? Were we wrong to do this??

**MammaMia** · 29-03-2006 21:36

Q. Did it hurt her? Long term harm?
A. Guess her mouth would have felt that burning sensation for the short term.

Q. Was it humiliating?
A. Was it done in front of you & DH alone - doesn't sound like it was humiliating. Granted unpleasant - but unless I am mistaken the purposes of punishment is about unpleasant consequences for actions.

Q. Have I been in your shoes and dealt with your child as best I can, knowing her temperament, loving her and wanting to teach her a lesson that will keep her in good stead for the rest of her life?
A. Nope.

My answer: don't dwell on it. Put it in perspective. As parents, we do the best we can with what we have. Sometimes we get it right, sometimes we get it wrong. We're human. But the point to remember is this: you act in love with the best interests of your child at heart. It's all we can do. I'm not going to judge your decision...you're her parents.

**Maghan** · 29-03-2006 21:38

Thank you MamaMia, that was a very respectful response, I appreciate it!

**Baby Girl** · 29-03-2006 21:39

It seems to have worked!!

No two people will ever fully agree on the ways discipline should be carried out.

If it worked for you and she understands why then I can't see any long term bad effects being present. Well, she may never like tabasco. At 10 she is old enough to understand that she had ignored other punishments and kept swearing so there is likely to be other attempts at discipline, you guys just came up with an inventive one.

I don't think I would do it but I don't think you should beat yourself up about it either.

**natasha** · 29-03-2006 21:48

I think it's just the same as parents making their children bite down on a piece of soap. My parents did this to me once because I called my sister a 'cow'! I never called her it again!

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you did. Now if it had been done infront of a whole room full of people (mine was) I can see how that could be called harmful,

You are doing what you think is best, and as long as you have her best interest at heart and you seem to be of a sane mind, well, don't you worry bout it.

**Odessa** · 29-03-2006 21:50

Interesting punishment, I can see how it would work! I had my mouth washed out with soap once or twice...not pleasant.

**Mister Noodle** · 29-03-2006 21:55

I don't see how it's any less *harmful* than a slap in the face. Neither one is going to to them any lasting harm. Both are the deliberate infliction of pain upon your child.

Do you feel differently about one than you do the other?

Why?

**Baby Girl** · 30-03-2006 01:11

To me, a slap in the face is loss of control usually triggered by anger or frustration - whether administered to an adult or a child.

Tabasco sauce is pre-meditated (so to speak) and maybe painful and in this case effective, but I don't think it compares to a slap in the face - physically or emotionally.

**Supermum** · 30-03-2006 08:27

Maghan - I don't have a 10 year old - your 10 year old ... so I honestly don't know what I would do. Probably the same things you did to begin with and then resort to something out of the ordinary ... just like you did.

I had my mouth washed out with soap at aged 4 for swearing. I remember what I said, I knew it was wrong and I copped the punishment. I was embarrassed but I didn't say that word again until I was in my twenties

I don't feel the experience has scarred me for life and I have a beautiful relationship with my mother.

Originally Posted by Mister Noodle

I don't see how it's any less *harmful* than a slap in the face. Neither one is going to to them any lasting harm. Both are the deliberate infliction of pain upon your child.

What would you do Mister Noodle in the same situation? How would you have handled your prepubescent, defiant 10 year old?

You know what ... if it turns out that there is a more effective way of dealing with this behaviour, you live and learn. Parenting is not an exact science and we can't always get it right.

**Mister Noodle** · 30-03-2006 10:40

My mum never smacked, confiscated or indeed, punished.

She used The Voice. You know the one. The Voice that freezes your heart inside your chest, and leaves you obeying before you've even realised you were going to.

Think of a cross between Supernanny and scary-Galadriel (from the LOTR movie). Or if you've read the Dune series, you'll know exactly what I mean.

If you managed to continue regardless (which took serious cojones, let me tell you), she'd calmly and relentlessly explain exactly how much extra work you were causing, what she needed to be doing instead, how far we were behind on the rent, and exactly how you were making it worse... and generally dumped a boatload of pure anxiety down the back of your neck - so all the fun went out of acting up, there and then

We were DAMN well-behaved kids. Nothing was worth that.