My poor DD.

**MrsTwith3** · 12-02-2008 12:48

Mods sorry if this is in the wrong spot please move it if it is.
This is going to be long and not make much sense so bare with me.

My DD is nearly 13yo now and we seperated from her father when she was just 14months old. He went on to marry the woman he was having an affair with behind my back and they had 3 sons. The eldestis just 12 months younger then my DD.
My DD's father seperated from his wife approx. 4 years ago now but spends all his time with his 3 sons when he isnt working. He has taken the boys on numerous holidays, pays for there sporting fees and even coaches/manages there teams. He always gets the boys birthday and christmas presents such as things like a computer,ipods, nintendo DS etc.
Now my DD is not stupid by any means and has commented on many occasions about what her brothers get off there father. Last xmas she was meant to get an nintendo DS but because he supposedly couldnt get a pink one he told her she will have to wait. Keep in mind the boys took great delight in telling her they got ipods, nintendos etc.
Last night she came out of her room in tears and when I asked her wjhat was wrong she asked me why her father doesnt love her. Let me say I was heartbroken to say the least. This man who is meant to be her father is doing nothing but screwing with her head. I told her if that is how she feels then she needs to ask him as I cant answer that for him.
What annoys me is that when she sees him which is not very often at all she talks to him like he is the best thing since sliced bread and then treats her stepdad like he is dirt. I am then stuck in the middle of my DH and DD all because of this stupid sperm donor of a father

(see told you it would be all over the place...lol)
He is making life so hard for my family here from his lack of being a father to his daughter.

I guess this was just a vent more then anything. Thanks if you read all my

**Shanaynay** · 12-02-2008 16:56

K I'm here.
Wow, what a pig

He went and got someone else pregnant when she was only just over one year old?! Freaking hell! I suppose you are over it now (I hope you are, iykwim) but have some hugs

As you know I don't know much about the whole blended family thing, but I do know a bit about useless men.... and isn't he one of them?! What an @rse..... I don't know him so just a guess really, but it just looks like total favourtism of his sons over his DD

Which is really sad. Obviously he's probably spent a lot more time with his sons over the years, living with them for so long, but I still don't really get how he can play favourites

That's awful. I really feel for your DD. Well I don't really know how she feels, but I can imagine the pain and rejection. It must also be hard on your DH

**mum2littleman** · 12-02-2008 16:59

im so sorry that ur DD has to feel like this i think the next time she feels like this or is crying over it you both need to sit down and call him on the phone let her tell him how she is feeling maybe then he will wake up and see wat he is doing to his daughter..

**Shanaynay** · 12-02-2008 17:05

^^

Is she up to putting her feelings on paper for a letter for him?

**secondtimearound2** · 12-02-2008 17:11

Oh Mel

I'm not sure what to say....all I can offer is plenty of ((hugs))

Take Care

**Rainbowbrite** · 12-02-2008 18:22

Oh Mel

to both you & E

He sounds like an absolute idiot. I'd say more but auto censor would break. Your DD is an absolutely beautiful girl inside & out & she doesn't deserve this at all

I really think she should write down what she is feeling & send it to him, even if she dictates to you & you type it up.

I'm so sorry he's putting you all through this

**millymoo** · 12-02-2008 19:12

Mel to you and DD.

I have an ex who has never given much to DD1 and 2, or paid any child maintenance...I wanted him to ""want"" to provide for them, to help them have the best IYKWIM.

DD1 has just gone to the uk to live with him, now she is working....he is ok about that!! Surprise!

We also have a pedestal issue with my ex and their stepdad..very annoying!

I totally underdstand

**MrsTwith3** · 12-02-2008 20:19

Thankyou lovely ladies

I have asked Em before if she wanted to write him a letter telling him how she feels but she knows him too well unfortunately. He would "act" all concerned and try for the rest of that time he spends with her on that visit but then its back to square one again. I think too she is afraid of him having nothing to do with her ever again if she was to tell him exactly how she feels. We are at a loss as in darned if you do darned if you dont kind of thing.

**Shanaynay** · 12-02-2008 20:23

Bugger. She is always going to hurt, but she's going into her teenage years soon.... hopefully she'll get into that 'don't want anything to do with my parents' stage for a bit like most teenagers

and it will hurt less just for a bit. Of course that means she won't want anything to do with you either!!

I certainly got a deadbeat husband, but I thank god that at least he is a good Daddy (when he's not around me anyway

)

**sockstealingpoltergeist** · 12-02-2008 20:34

My DD is in the same situation as yours- only her father doesn't see any of his children. What I can suggest is that your daughter will probably for some years to come - look for recognition from her father, it is only natural that she want him to love her and it will be hard for her to accept that he will never be the father she wants. Perhaps you could try saying just that to her next time he is a D!ck- something like "I know you love him, hwoever I don't think he will ever be the father you want him to be, I'm sorry and you deserve so much better."
Then perhaps encourage her to write him a letter to him explaining her hurt and feelings. Tell her it won't change him or is behaviour (most likely) but it may make her feel a little better having stood up for her self.

As for your DH- her step dad, I honestly believe that what has helped my DD have a good relationship with her step dad is
- he is her friend, not he does not discipline her- that's my job. This is important as it just causes resentment otherwise. That said yes he should be able to say no to her but the rule making and keeping should be up to you.
- another thing is if she is being snitty or rude, he never ever goes down to that level, he speaks to her nicely, never teases her and asks her to be polite.
- My DH praises her all the time - for as much as he can think of, and they join forces (against me sometimes) lol- It would help if she thought of him on her team. - that said he allways backs me up when I punish her and never undermines me.

Any way I hope this helps, you can take on board some or none of this, I know everyone is different - Good luck.