Disciplining Someone Else's Child

[SassyMummy]

I saw this on DR PHIL today...and was wondering what your thoughts were.

In the episode, a woman said that she has no qualms telling a parent they're doing a bad job, or telling a kid what to do if the kid is annoying her. She even tells off strangers. Mind you, this woman had NO KIDS of her own (so what the hell could she know about controlling your kid in public?).

If someone were to tell Chanel what to do, I would probably have a fit. I don't need some weird person telling my daughter what to do. If they want a kid to boss around, they should have some of their own and not harrass other kids.

Parents all have different value systems and parenting techniques, and how can you tell a child what to do when you don't know how their parents have chosen to raise them? Perhaps the reason a kid is yelling and screaming is because they want their own way - but their parent is trying to give them "no reaction" so they will learn that bad behaviour will get them nowhere. Someone else interfering would just ruin the whole purpose.

I don't think it's right for other people to tell a parent what to do (eg - "You shouldn't let them use a dummy..." or "You should learn to control your child or not go out in public!")...but I do think it's okay to ask a parent to do something if the situation is right. IMO, a stranger should do this in a situation like at the movies, asking a parent if they could please ask their child to stop talking because it's making it hard for them to hear the movie. That makes sense to me. I also think it's okay to ask a parent to get their child to stop please stop touching store merchandise in case of breakages. It just makes sense - so long as it's done in a polite manner of course.

As for family and friends...if they're taking care of Chanel, or have seen her do something I haven't (like playing with electrical cords for example), I expect them to tell her not to and move her away for the hazard. I don't want them to yell at her, or hit her or anything (even when she's older). And, when she's older, I expect them to discipline her bad behaviour when staying with them. For example, saying "If you do...whatever...then you won't be able to...whatever" and then following through.

Your thoughts...?

[Ana Gram]

As DP and I are legally responsible for DD in every aspect until she is 18, we are the only ones who decide on discipline. I have no time for strangers comments on the raising of my child.

[JnA]

My child has one mum and one dad, and these people are the only ones who get to decide on discipline. Other people are welcome to make 'suggestions' and I am welcome to ignore them.

As for stopping a child from doing anything harmful to themselves or others, I am happy for someone to say something to them (not yell) or say something to me.. but really the only people that should be doing this are caregivers (in their many forms) and so far that's a gradn total of DP and me .

[reAllytee]

As you can tell i watched Dr Phil today well ok im actually a Dr Phil addict LOL !

I have to say this part astounded me that this woman who has no kids thought it appropriate to discipline someone elses child .. ridiculous
If a complete stranger did this i too would have a fit especially in todays society if someone touched my child God help them even Dr Phil pointed this out to which she then changed her story to say she only approached the parents !!! Yeah right
I think people who are willing to come in & judge others in such a manner have too much time on their hands IYKWIM. They would be much better off looking out for the kids that are being abused or the likes !
My nephew has ADHD so my sister has had dramas when out in public with him & even having been tut tutted ! but at the same time my sister does tend to take a back seat in regards to discipline these days. Our family will step up so she just sits back not worrying got to the point it was so bad that he saw me as his mother figure as i organised him & disciplined him. So i guess i can see that some parents do give up & expect others to look after their child but a total stranger has no idea whats going on & no right to even try to help out in this regard.
I too hope my family follow our lead with how we want Harry disciplined but if it gets to the stage where im not happy a good talk will be in order.

Actually i just thought i yelled at a few kids when i worked in retail many years ago their parents let them run around & play with all the crystal vases etc so i tried politely to begin with asking the parents to stop them & then saying " please be careful guys dont want you to hurt yourselves so can you please stop running " to which they just laughed at me & the parents ignored. So i yelled when one tripped & knocked over some wine glasses breaking a few they exited so quick it wasnt funny ! Yeah they didnt want to pay for the trouble their kids caused
Guess that makes me a hypocrite LOL !

[Baby Girl]

oooohhhhh just let me run into her........

I used to have this same arguement with my best friend (we got past it). She WAS just the same, spent the last 2 1/2 years telling me what I was doing wrong and looking at my DD1 like she was the spawn of satan. She even BERATED me when I stopped bf DD2 at 6 weeks.....that was until she fell pregnant...and then her whole tune changed - she was not having any kids and felt she knew it all now she has had to rethink things and is slowly realising that one day her little angel may well be throwing the same tanties as my ex-angel!! And as I am the only one besides her mother who she is close to and has kids then maybe one day she might need to ask for my advice...hmmmmm now the shoe is on the other foot!!

I can't stand people diciplining other people's kids, especially when they don't have any of their own - babysitting and raising kids full time are 2 totally different things.

[pegasus]

The way I understood it was not that she would tell the parent that they were doing the wrong thing, but that if the parent wasn't doing anything about their child's bad behaviour then she would step in. Like - "don't kick me" - I think that's fair enough.

I don't want others to say anything to my child if he's doing something wrong - I'd rather they say something to me, but if he starts doing something he shouldn't, then I'm the first to pick him up and take him out of the situation (or in the case of my older stepkids - walk them out). If I see a parent trying to discipline their child when out - I understand how difficult this is, and accept that at least they're trying, however, I agree with the non-mother in this story that some parents don't try. This is how we give inconsistent messages to our children and have them grow up not thinking they have to listen to us. I also agree with her response to the mother who said "when you're a parent and you hear them scream mum at you - you switch off - it's normal" It is not normal in my house, and I know sometimes I curse in my own head that I want some me time and don't always want to be at the beck and call of the little people, but you just do it - and I make sure I always respond to their calls (no matter how tired I am of them).

[Baby Girl]

Well said Pegasus. I have to agree that if DD was misbehaving and I didn't do anything about it, I would expect someone to say something to me or to tell her to stop doing it. That said, I am always on the lookout to make sure she is behaving herself, whether we are out or at home. It bothers me when parents just let their kids run wild rather than discipline them in public. I guess they don't want to be seen as an angry parent so just let the kids go while they are out but to me that reflects more poorly than telling them to stop doing something or taking them away from something. Sign language is great for when DD1 is being a horror, I don't have to raise my voice and she knows she is doing something wrong - doesn't create a scene - unless she decides to!!

[pegasus]

I just went on the website and cut a bit of the article for the people who didn't see the story. Karla is the mother with 3 kids (and 1month pregnant), and Veronica is the woman with no children.

Dr. Phil says to Karla, “If you’ve got kids running wild, that’s not OK.” He tells Veronica that parents don’t want strangers coming up and parenting their child. "Most parents have a relationship. They have a value system. They have something they want to do, and if you came up to my child, you have no credibility with me whatsoever. I don’t know who you are or what you’re saying. You could scare this child,” he explains.


“If the child’s interacting with me and they’re disturbing me, do I have a right to say something?” Veronica asks Dr. Phil. “I don’t run around just randomly screaming at children.”

Dr. Phil looks at the audience and asks, “Do you agree that if you go to a restaurant to have a quiet dinner or you pay money for a show ticket, that you’re entitled to a peaceful enjoyment of the show?" The audience applauds. Dr. Phil looks at Robin, sitting in the audience, and asks if she remembers when Jay was 1 ½ or 2 years old and they were on the road playing in a tennis tournament. They went to a restaurant and Jay started screaming and yelling. “Do you remember what you said to him?” he asks her.

“I said, ‘When you’re 13, I’m going to spank you for this,’” she says.

“She took him out of the restaurant, and as she did, she went around to each of the tables and said, ‘I am so sorry,’” Dr. Phil adds.



He asks Karla, “Would you do that? Would you take your kids out [of the restaurant], or would you just let them disrupt everybody’s dinner?”

“I tried to take them out, but I’ve got three of them and I’ve got two hands, and a lot of times it takes me five or 10 minutes to get them back out of that restaurant,” Karla explains. “During the entire time I’m getting glares, I’m getting comments. I’m getting snide remarks.”

“I don’t have a problem with kids misbehaving in public. It’s a normal thing. It’s going to happen,” Veronica says. “I have a problem with parents who don’t take the time to deal with your children misbehaving, and I think a lot of times they take the easy way out which is tune them out.”


“If you had kids, you would realize you actually stop hearing it after a while,” Karla responds.

“You should not do that,” Veronica says.


Dr. Phil interjects. “I do have kids, and frankly, there are some things and skills that every parent can use, other than just intimidation, to control children,” he tells Karla. “There are times if they become disruptive they need to learn, ‘If you do this, you go home.’”

“We are constantly going home,” Karla says. “And I would like to be able to leave my house.”

“You shouldn’t have to be like you’re stamping out a fire all the time,” Dr. Phil tells Karla.

“That’s what I feel like everyday,” she says.

“We need to give you some help in that regard,” Dr. Phil tells her. He explains that children need to learn that there are different types of behaviors for different situations. He suggests that she read Family First.



He reminds Veronica that if she has a problem with kids, she should talk with the parents.

I agree though that commenting on whether I have a dummy or a bottle or whatever for my child is something I get my back up about, but if my child is interacting with someone else in a negative way - that's not acceptable behaviour. I only hope that I witness it (if it occurs) and that I am the one who steps in.

[Ana Gram]

I don't agree with the going out to dinner part. I am paying good money too, just because I have a child who might be loud or rowdy does not mean I shouldn't go out to dinner in case we disrupt someones dinner. I wouldn't ask the table next to me to control themselves if they were talking loudly, yelling or had a laugh that grated on my nerves.

Our way of dealing with tantrums is ignoring the behaviour whether we are in public or not. If I changed the method depending where we were, DD would get very confused and nothing would work.

[pegasus]

I agree with you Chelle - consistency is the key. I just pick my restaurants to go to. If we take the kids - it has to be a family friendly one.

Come to think of it though - we don't seem to get out to restaurants much these days....