Ohhh what to do- WARNING THIS IS VERY LONG!!!!

[*Country Bumpkin*]

Im having big probs with my DP we never argue or fight and noramly get along really well. We love each other very much but latley we have just lost the connection IYKWIM

While we were standing in the bub isle at coles DP says I have a propersition for you if you dont like it I wont be upset.... I was like hmmmm this sounds interesting.

So anyway on he went and this is what the propersition was- In a couple of weeks you can go and spen as MUCH money as you WANT on the bub or anything else you want!!! Ok sounds great right.... here comes the BUT...... but only if I can go out for the night not to the city just to gillholleys or something!!!

I was so hurt that he tried to bribe me!!!! He relised why I was upset and was trying to hug me etc....

Didnt realy think about it after that until we got home and i asked him a couple of questions.... He wants to go out ALL day on saturday to a friends party, come home, go to work from 5.30pm- 10.30pm, come home get changed, and go out again ALL NIGHT

Im here by myself all day 5 days a week and 3 nights aswell he plays squash 2 nights so i only get 2 nights with him and he wants to spend one of them out all day and all night????

Dosnt he understand how lonley I am? I tell him all the time as it is.......i dont understand hes only been wanting to go out all the time since ive been pregnant before that he was quite happy just to spend time with me.......

Am I being selfish? Or am I quite within my rights to want to spend the little amount of time we have together???

Ohhh and he tried to bribe me again with getitng me a kitten!!!!

So what do all you gals think? Should I just let him go out all day while i spend it here by myself and then spend all night alone again? WHAT SHOULD I DO"??????

Im so miserable

Then he gets home yesterday arvi and this happens.......

When DP got home this he didnt say a single word about bub moving for the first time today... this is one of our major probs- he shows no excitment!!!! He says hes excited but ya wouldnt no to look at him...... also he wouldnt give me an answer as to why he wanted to go out....

I ended up telling him that if he didnt start talking about everything I would leave! I gave him 5mins- he didnt start talking So up I got and off i went.......

I didnt get far i collapsed on the stairs in a heap crying.......he eventually came looking for me and sat down outside with me- he didnt sayanything but he was there all the same. Eventually when we came inside he said he feels "controlled" by me..... I dont know why I never stop him from doing anything

I eventually relised that we have 23weeks left to sort out our relathionship before bub will be here and that I dont feel a connection to him anymore.... and i told him so.

He said he wont go out at night but I no he will resent me if he dosnt go out every now and then. I dont mind but i would like to be included

He said he has a social life with his new work mates but what he dosnt relise is that it hurts me that Im not included in any of this "social" life....
There is no reason why I cant go out too......well none that I can see anyway. We dont do anyhting and when he finaly does want to do something Im not included He said he thought I wouldnt want to go- well he never asked did he....

Im so afraid that if we cant find the "connection" and become close like we used o be that this isnt going to work and I dont want to spend my life without him- but I have to think of myself and the bub and I have to do whats best.....

I dont want to be miserable anymore but its hard to distingush wether or not this is hormones or my heart talking.... ohhh what to do

Sorry to have written an essay

I love him so much and i realy dont know how to cope or what to do.......

He has also gone and shaved off all his facial hair and he looks totaly different- the only conclusion i can come up with is that hes met a chick at work that he likes and that why hes wanting to go out and why he wants to look different al of a sudden...this is sooooo unlike him!!!!

[Odessa]

He needs to smarten up and realise he has a baby on the way and a partner at home that needs him, bugger his bloody social life! He doesn't sound like he's ready to be a daddy, if he's trying to bribe you to deprive you of your time with him.

I'd ask him why he feels the need to go out on the town without you, why not invite some of his work friends over for drinks at home? I did this and my partner doesn't feel the need to go out on the town with his workmates, as he's welcome to bring them home and I've met them all.

Be strong, Adele, whatever happens, you've got a little life dependant on you.

[cwsmum]

I don't really have any advice for you...but if it makes you feel any better, my DH does similar things alot too.
The most recent one was when I told him last week that I was planning on going out with my sister one night in the next few weeks. She turned 18 just before christmas and wanted me to go out one night with her and our other sisters. His response to this was to say that he would take both kids to his parents...which I have told him before DD will not be staying there coz they smoke around her and she can't get up and move like DS does...anyway, he thinks he's gonna take the kids there then go out for the night himself too.
I got a bit annoyed then and told him I wouldn't bother going out if he can't stay home one night and look after the our kids who would be sleeping before I left anyway. He started asking why he can't go out the same night as I do and I had to remind him of all the nights he goes out, even if it is just to friends houses, and I stay home alone, mostly coz he just doesn't ask if I wanna come. He still doesn't get it

Sorry, that ended up being really long....but you are not the only one with a partner who just doesn't get it

[*Country Bumpkin*]

Darkstar- I would be more than happy for him to have people over!!!! Infact I would love it.....

I had my 18th b/day and i didnt get to go out drinking- but the day before he went to the pub without me????

Ahhhhhhh ive had enough. I called him today and told him to take the night off work- we can do without 1 nights pay and hes like ohhh its too late to call them now- it was 2pm!!!! He works all day then all night aswell and i dont get to see him he just dosnt get it!

Cwsmum- I feel for ya, although it sounds like your p might be worse than mine if i say no ur not going he dosnt go thats that he dosnt argue- but we dont normaly have this problem caus ehe dosnt normaly wanna go anywhere cause hes too tired!!!!! But since starting his 2nd job where there are females he wants to go out..... i dont get it

[poshBecks]

HI,

Ok, so here's what I think.

Your partner has aright to his own time. But, he does need to make you feel secure aswell. I can understand why you would feel lonely!! I would too!!

However, maybe he's feeling "controlled" because you get up him whenever he wants to do some male bonding.
It's very important in any relationship to give each other a bit of freedom, but not too much. I think his "deal" with you was a bit off!! But maybe he doesn't want you to feel left out or something? (Men think wierd stuff - hense why men are from mars & women are from venus ). Maybe instead of going off about it, you could say, sure I'd love you to spend some time with your friends but, I'd love it if you could make sure next weekend you spend it with me (or something).
Lets face it you dont want to push him away!! Why not take advantage of it & get your girlfriends over for a good old fashioned slumber party?! By letting him do the occasional thing on his own shows him that you respect him, & that after all is the ONE thing men want from women.... RESPECT!!

Sorry about my rant!!! But I believe that all relationships can work... with a bit of work!! From both sides!!
The best thing I find to do when I'm miffed, is do something nice for them & you know all of a sudden it doesn't seem so bad!!

Re him not seeming excited.... DH was the same!! But he was!! Infact the closer it got the more excited he became!! Hang in there, it's probably all a bit surreal to him!!

[Melo]

Adele is your partner fully aware of the responsibilities of having a child? Does he realise that this is something that is 100% dependent on both of you?

He has also gone and shaved off all his facial hair and he looks totaly different- the only conclusion i can come up with is that hes met a chick at work that he likes and that why hes wanting to go out and why he wants to look different al of a sudden...this is sooooo unlike him!!!!

You need to ask him about this!! It might make things worse, but you can't stress about this! You need to look after your self for yours and your babys sake.


Sorry if I sound harsh...

[*Country Bumpkin*]

Becca Rae- Ive never told him that he cant go out!!! I DONT mind he goes to the pub every sunday at lunch time and I dont go- he does his own thing. He plays squash 2 nights a wee and it dosnt involve me...... I dont mind i understand thathe need time on his own.

He wnated to go out drinking with the guys AND the girls from his new work..... now the guys will all have their g/f's with them and the girls well i dunno about them but theres no reason why i cant go...... if it was just the guys i wouldnt care but when everyone else is invited and im not then it becomes a problem.....

Mum2jacob- I have talked to him about "it' and he just looked away so i dunno. He is aware that having a bub is something that invloves 100% input from bnoth of us.....

So I dont know whats wrong with him

[Jamily]

Adele

I am sorry I don't have any words of wisdom or advice as I have never been in your situation, however my DH wasn't exactly over-flowing with emotion when I was pregnant. He just didn't seem to connect with bubs - he wasn't ever 'off' or negative, but I could just see he didn't get it and carried on life as if nothing was going on. Long story short, Emily was born and I have never seen a man so in love with his child. He races home every day to see her and can't bear to be away from her. Every situation is different and you need to address your issues with DP but perhaps you may find that you can get rid of DP when bubs comes along!!

Good luck and I hope that things work out for you as you would hope. I am sure that your DP loves you and bubs very much and wants to make everything work. It sometimes takes Dads a little longer to accept they are fathers (us Mummy's start as soon as those magic 2 lines appear).

Claire x

[poshBecks]

Becca Rae- Ive never told him that he cant go out!!! I DONT mind he goes to the pub every sunday at lunch time and I dont go- he does his own thing. He plays squash 2 nights a wee and it dosnt involve me...... I dont mind i understand thathe need time on his own.

He wnated to go out drinking with the guys AND the girls from his new work..... now the guys will all have their g/f's with them and the girls well i dunno about them but theres no reason why i cant go...... if it was just the guys i wouldnt care but when everyone else is invited and im not then it becomes a problem.....

Ahhh, sorry I kinda missed that somehow sorry!! Mustn't have been concentrating when I read it sorry. If all the other g/f's are going then that doesn't seem fair !! Hmmm how old is he, that seems a little immature!! Well I hope you work it out!!

[Seekrit]

Some things that you've said I feel are 'daddy-to-be' things.
Chris doesn't get 100% excited about all things baby, he's not itching to spend money and clean the baby's room like I am.
He feels nuggie kick and just hugs me, kisses the belly, gets up and keeps playing games.
I think because they're not pregnant and it's not happening to them, they find it hard to associate the feelings and all the rest. Yanno? It's like after they're born I've been warned - I'll be the baby's life and Chris may feel resentment about the attention I'm giving the baby and not him, I've been told to wait until Nugget reacts to Chris, holds his finger or something before there may be a big connection.

I've had a discussion with Chris because, like you, I feel left out. He went out last weekend and it planning on again this weekend. He feels we spend enough time together because, simply put, we live together (his words)
I understand this and he's also said to me that he's going to be a dad soon, he's going to have to be responsible, mature, and THERE, so in the months leading up he's itching to go out, to get plastered, to spend the night gaming with his mates. The works! He feels as tho' he will be trapped when it comes to the crunch and wants to get it all out of his system.
As much as you can tell him that he won't be 'trapped' he's always going to feel that way. So I just let him.
Sure, I tell him how I feel but I also just let him go and do it, it'll just cause more and more arguments otherwise and I can deal with how he copes with change just like he has to deal with how I cope.


Hope you feel better hun, lots of people are in your position.