please make it go away!!

[mama kare]

parts of this are from a post i made earlier

today started out as an 'alright' day.. not a great day, but a better day, iykwim?

i find with pnd that my mood can change so fast, so easily.. does this happen to you?

i can be in a good mood, play with DD but as soon as she starts tantruming.. something inside me really snaps and i just want to shake her or slap her - usually i put her in her cot when i feel this 'change' coming on - for her safety and my own..

i just had a shower with DD, then i go to get her out and she throws a huge tantrum.. it doesnt take much for me to 'snap' and want to slap her, so i let her run around nude for 20 minutes - i beg her father to take over and handle the situation, to try and dress DD, to give me a break or something.. anything!!!

he told me to grow up and start thinking logically- that our DD is only 2 years old and she will keep having tantrums for a long time so i have to get used to it! but he doesn't help.. oh no.. he's too busy playing computer games when he is awake/home!

would you believe that if i ask him to take DD out of her high chair (after i have bathed, dressed, cooked & fed her..) he complains and refuses to do it? sometimes he will just act like he has forgotten and DD will end up sitting in her highchair for 40 minutes complaining, until i can get my patience under control to deal with it!

sorry.. im just soo frustrated today! i honestly feel like doing something to myself just to get this pain out of my life. i know i could never do it.. and i know i love DD more than anything in my life.. but i just hate feeling like this! i really do.

i went to the psychiatrists office this morning.. felt fine.. as soon as i came home all i could do was chain smoke out on my back verandah (away from DD)... i just want to escape from this agitation and frustration in my life.. i used to be such a calm, happy person... now DD can't even have a minor tantrum without me feeling like my head is going to explode or without feeling like i want to throttle her

sorry.. i just really need to talk to someone.

my psychiatrist is very worried that i am still quite depressed. he wants me to stay on 150 effexor xr for 2 more weeks and if i dont improve he is going to increase it to 185mg daily.

but what can i do in the meantime?

i feel so aggressive towards my ex, who i share a house with - i want to ram his head into a wall somedays!

i want to be a caring mum for DD but i just feel my skin crawl when im around her and ... i just dont know what to do anymore.

[Chickadee]

Wow. There's a lot going on inside of you. My apologies for taking so long to notice your post

I share a house with my ex and it only works because we are both fully involved in parenting. I ***** from time to time, but he's a great dad and will help if I ask him too. I honestly can't imagine sharing a place with him otherwise. It sounds like you have a lot of anger and frustration with your ex and this is transferring over to general anger & frustration about your life. And I can't blame you for that! Is there any way at all to live separately from him?

Two year olds do tantrum, but that doesn't mean you have to deal with them on your own. Do you still see your CHN? Ask either her, or your GP, or your psych for recommendations or referrals to some parenting courses. TripleP (PPP) is meant to be very good. I'm not suggesting courses to imply that you're a bad parent. Far far from it But there may be some tricks and tips that you can learn to use to help deflect and deal with your daughter's behaviour. At 2 I found distraction worked best with DD, but all kids are different.

My last suggestion is to find a moment when your daughter is napping and start to make a list of all the things you used to do that made you happy. Hobbies, places you went, people you saw, anything. And also anything that you've always been wanting to do. Restarting some of those hobbies and activities will likely help to put some joy back in your life. I know how hard it is it juggle schedules to get time for stuff like that, but it really is worth the effort.

I hope this helps a little.