Help Me To Help My Mum...

[Noah_and_Elijah]

Ok so I have known for a while now that my Mother has a smoking problem, I'm not sure if it was the 40 or so a day that she smokes, the overflowing ashtrays or the 3 cigarettes she has back to back before even getting out of bed in the morning that gave it away.

It has also become clearer over the past 6 - 12 months that she also has a drinking problem. She will easily go through a 2L cask of wine between 6pm and 9pm every night and often more on the weekends. It isn't so much the drinking itself more of the person she becomes when she drinks and the bitterness and nastiness that emerges.

Her and my Dad divorced a few years ago and he is happily remarried and moved on with his life. My sister and I are both happy for him and see him whenever we can. My sister has recently decided she wants to live with my Dad at least 50 / 50 because she hates the person that my Mum is.

We have spoken to her time and time again about how much we hate her smoking and drinking but she says that she doesn't care about what we think and if we don't like it then go and with with our Father.

I can honestly say that watching the way my Mother treats people around her (including my sister) I am close to the point of hating her and completely cutting her out of my life.

I should also mention that none of her family speak to her anymore because of the person she is and how crazy she has become!!

How do I get her the help she needs?

[SweetSerenity]

Oh hun, what a bad situation.... it's not good at all.

Did she get into the heavy drinking and smoking after they split??

Regarding cutting her out, I honestly think that may do more harm then good. I know she has to understand that the way she treats and talks to you and your sister isn't on... but I think if you were both to just leave her in her mind she might think "See I knew no one cared" and it may lead to even more self destructive behaviour.

I think you should try every avenue possible before cutting her out completely.

I know it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to be helped but because it's your mum I wouldn't give up yet. You only get one mother in a lifetime.

Is there anyway you could get her to see someone, even if its just to talk to them? Or if there are services where someone can come to you to have a chat with her?

lots of hugs, I know it wouldn't be easy for any of you.

Love Nat xxx

[Noah_and_Elijah]

Did she get into the heavy drinking and smoking after they split?

She always drank and smoked alot from what I can remember but it increased a little after the split however it was more the behaviour that dramatically changed IYKWIM?

[Seekrit]

The thing is, with any addiction, the person cannot stop until they want to.. and they really have to want to.
My husband quit smoking numerous times due to my naggong.. he only gave up for good 14 monthes and 30 days ago... when HE had HIS reasons.

I suggest calling counsellors (lifeline?) for advice and also some help for yourself... also suggest your mum does the same.. it's easier to dismiss family and it's also easier to call somewhere and ask for help when no one knows you're doing it.

[SweetSerenity]

She always drank and smoked alot from what I can remember but it increased a little after the split however it was more the behaviour that dramatically changed IYKWIM?

Yeah I know what you mean.... Hmmm.... It's so hard to know what to do.

Sounds like she's obviously not happy with her life and how it's turned out and is turning to these things to "escape".

Do you think a holiday together away would do her any good? Just to get some perspective on things?

[Noah_and_Elijah]

Thanks Seek.

I understand that she has to want to quit and for now she has absolutely no interest, what so ever! I understand it well because I used to be a smoker who attempted quitting but like you said could only do it when I had my reasons.

I will call a counsellor and see what my options are. It's so frustrating when everyone else around her can see she has a problem, except her.

It angers me becuase of how it affects my sister.

[rynosmum]

If it was a traumatic split or something she really didn't see coming, this is most likely her way of reacting to it. She's your Mum, you say that your Dad has moved on, perhaps all of her self-confidence moved on with him. Perhaps she is looking at her future and not seeing any special partner in there who will love her as she feels that your Dad once did.

I don't think that you should be responsible for her behaviour, you have enough on your plate. I guess though that you are the only one who still sees a part of her who is your loving Mum.

Does she have any hobbies, anything she used to enjoy doing? Maybe if she gets some outside interests and can gain some self confidence back, it may change her. It's surprising that having Noah around hasn't made her rethink her situation but perhaps she is going to need more of a jolt.

I'm sorry you are going through this - it must be so difficult.

[Noah_and_Elijah]

Do you think a holiday together away would do her any good?

No, unfortunately. We have tried that one. She is forever going on holidays anyway and it never seems to do any good, if anything it makes her worse than before because it gives her more time for drinking.

[Noah_and_Elijah]

Does she have any hobbies, anything she used to enjoy doing

Thank RM it is hard but I feel like I have to take some sort of responsibility because someone needs to look after my sister and give her some guidance because she doesn't get that from my Mum (she is only 14).

When I read your question ^ I had to sit and think for a minute and to tell you the truth I don't ever remember her having any hobbies or interests, even when her and my Dad were together. The sad thing is that all I remember of her from growing up is smoking, drinking, yelling at me and her working.

I had hoped that having Noah around would have made her rethink her current situation too but it hasn't.

[~Bec~]

I think there's an organisation called something like "al anon" that is for family members of alcoholics (not saying your mother is an alcoholic, but it does sound to me like she has a drinking problem). Lifeline would be another good place for support and advice.

Hope things get better for you and your sister.