Confront or let it go??

[mummy2sophie]

My brother and SIL and I have been part of a baby clothes chain, they sent us clothes for DD and then after we were finished with them we sent them back for their DD.

Anyway they sent us a couple of boxes of clothes for my baby due in Nov. And when my mum and I went through one of them we found a) the clothes absolutely reek (did they wash them at all??) and b) there are stacks of clothes missing that we lent them (some of these were bought by us or gifts that DD received).

The thing is: they have been getting clothes from my other sister, who bought beautiful clothes for her twins (boy and girl). And one day this sister gave us some clothes directly to us (for the first time) and immediately we noticed how fabulous they were, and how many there were (she's quite wealthy and likes her kids to look gorgeous - and they do ). I commented that there was a lot of Gap stuff there and she said that she has always bought lots of Gap things as she found the quality and cut was wonderful. We NEVER got a single Gap item from our brother and SIL. It was then we realised that brother and SIL have definitely been withholding my sister's pass on clothes and only passing on extremely worn, stinky clothing. Much of which I have to throw out (it is just too worn to be given to charity). This last box they sent us we only kept 4 items of clothing as the rest were too gross or pilchers (we use disposable).

They failed to send us size 0 and 1 clothing, so we had to buy that all ourselves and now they are asking for us to deliver those sizes for their DD2 and we have said "no way". I'm not going to give them brand new stuff that we have bought for DD when we will need it for the newborn.

The question is: should I confront them on this issue, or let it go to keep the peace (as DH has suggested)?

I'm in two minds about it because on one hand, we have to live in the same city, my family is going through a rough patch already (my mum left dad for another man and they are going through a separation - a divorce seems inevitable), my poor dad would hate any further break up in the family and overall, I'm a really easy-going person and find it difficult to confront them. Especially her, as she is a very clever, manipulative b!tch.

But then again, they are the biggest cheapskates I have ever met and have been cheating my family over various things over the years, and I feel that someone should confront them so they know they just can't get away with things. This is the same SIL who advised my DH to put Sophie in her worst clothes whenever it was time for grandma (my mum) to babysit - then mum would buy her new clothes

Or am I totally overreacting?

[PixiLixi]

No! don't confront her. I know you want to and I would too, but she will probably just deny it and try to make you look bad.
Vent to your DH. You both know what SIL's up to so you will need to act smarter.

Invite your rich sister over and casually open the clothes bag up when she is there and say 'oh, look lets check out the clothes I was sent from SIL, hmmmm....their not in very good condition...oh, and I can't seem to find the clothes you passed on either?...this is strange, maybe she forgot to pack them?
Then while your sister is there you can call SIL and ask really nicely if she forgot to send them and can you have them please?

SIL will then have to hand them over or your sister will know you are not getting the clothes and she will she what cr*p is being passed on to you first hand....then you can ask sister to bypass the chain and give you first dibs on the good gap clothes?

I hope this makes sense?

[shymmer]

You're talking about size 0 - 1? Do you think her child is still wearing that size? Babies grow out of clothes so quickly but once they hit size 1, they can theoretically be in it all year until they turn 2yrs and go up a size.
So is she still using the clothes or withholding them purely because she doesn't believe you'll pass them back when you're done? - which could be a long time for size reasons.

I have a similar deal with my sis. A friend (of mine) gave her a heap of 000 etc which she has now passed onto me since her bub is out of them - which I will use and pass back to her for her next (if a girl etc). So I'm not buying many clothes under a size one as they will come to me by the time I need them BUT, her bub will potentially still be in size ones when my bub reaches that size too - so I'm not counting on any of that size from her as they will prob still be in use. I might get them when my bub is 18mths old maybe and her bub reaches size 2. And that will no doubt continue on every year thereafter - I'll get the hand-me-downs 6mths 'late'.

If she is just being plain greedy, I wouldn't confront her either. I'd just try and swing it so rich sister gives you the clothes directly - or even just half of them, and half to other SIL.

[prideNJoy]

No! don't confront her. I know you want to and I would too, but she will probably just deny it and try to make you look bad.
Vent to your DH. You both know what SIL's up to so you will need to act smarter.

Invite your rich sister over and casually open the clothes bag up when she is there and say 'oh, look lets check out the clothes I was sent from SIL, hmmmm....their not in very good condition...oh, and I can't seem to find the clothes you passed on either?...this is strange, maybe she forgot to pack them?
Then while your sister is there you can call SIL and ask really nicely if she forgot to send them and can you have them please?

SIL will then have to hand them over or your sister will know you are not getting the clothes and she will she what cr*p is being passed on to you first hand....then you can ask sister to bypass the chain and give you first dibs on the good gap clothes?

I hope this makes sense?

I thinkthat sounds like a good idea too!

[mummy2sophie]

That's a brilliant idea!! Except...we live in Sydney and they are all in Melb.

I did just call my sister and ask her if she did pass on clothes (just to make sure). And she definitely passed on lovely clothes and noticed that my SIL's child was dressed in crappy ones (maybe again to get sympathy from my mum?).

I asked her what we should do...she's of the camp of just ignoring and alienating them from everything but family functions (which we do already).

And yes their youngest is only 10 months so not in size 1 yet. But I do get that, as our Sophie is 18 months and not yet entirely out of 1's yet.

[nugglyboysmum]

I wouldn't bother confronting them, sounds like it wouldn't make any different to them anyway. i would just remember not to lend them anything again.

[mummy2sophie]

Yeah you're right, we should never lend anything to them again.

It just makes me sad....my own brother is ruining our relationship because of something as small as clothing. Well it's this issue that has wrecked it, if this was isolated I'd definitely ignore but with little things over the years....

If I do confront them...(still haven't decided whether I will) I will tell him that his relations with the family are getting wrecked by his cheapskate ways. And that we notice his contribution every time - I should really say his non-contribution! And that it is not just me but everybody - 2 other brothers and 2 sisters and parents....and that if he isn't careful he will find himself completely locked out of the family if he ever needed us for something. That's how strongly I feel about it.

[Ffrenchknickers]

Nah wouldnt worry about it either....luckily they are just clothes

[sopolicha]

The big question is, are you willing to lose contact with some of your family members over some baby clothes?

How about getting the good clothes straight from your sister, cutting out your sister in law.

You need to catch your SIL selling the clothes on ebay . Wouldn't that make for a fun family Christmas.

[mummy2sophie]

I think that's what she is doing! Selling the clothes on ebay I mean...why else wouldn't they pass them on?? I mean we know they don't plan to have any more children.

I'm not just willing to drop contact with them over the baby clothes. There're other issues that have happened over the years that have always been about them taking and not giving anything back.

I hate how I sound in this thread. I'm actually a very easy-going, generous person that doesn't count up all the favours and things that my friends and family do for me. I'm not calculating like that...I just give and give and usually my family and friends do things and give us things in return. It's just that over the years these things have added up and added up until this baby clothes stuff has really just ticked me over the edge. I get annoyed when my lovely generous family gets ripped off by bro and SIL too.

I will have a look at ebay, see if I can find anything obvious...