DH problems..

**Quake** · 02-10-2007 11:57

Yep,yet another regular who feels the need to go undercover

....
Where do I start...ok,about 5 days ago DH and I had a fight over something very silly,and it quickly escalated to a full on yelling match....I'm still not talking to him because I believe he has disrepected me ...
The first fight,he called me a b!tch,an idiot and told me I was delusional....he said a weak sorry the next day and I didn't accept it because I wa so angry at him...because of what he called me and because he can't accept it when he is wrong and I am right.He always thinks he's right.

So he then called me an idiot 2 more times when I didin't accept his apology,so now, I have had it.

You don't call the person you're meant to love and respect names like that.
I'm not going to stand for that anymore...because he told me,and thinks it's ok to call me names like that when we fight.In the past when arguing,he has told me "You're f****d" three times,yep I have counted.When I was pregnant with DD we had a fight and he made me hyperventilate.
He hasn't bothered to try apologising since our 2nd fight the other day..I really don't think he cares.....and I don't either at this point.
All these little things have added up over the past 3 years that we've been married...he never used to be like this

...I don't know if I love him anymore.
I think DD and I would be better off on our own.The house is mine and I would be fine with the repayments.
I'm just scared about DD, that he might try to take her off me etc..he is a good dad,and I'm also worried about taking her daddy away from her.
Theres hardly any intimacy in our marriage,no communication bcause he won't talk about his feelings,we don't laugh and play together anymore...I feel like I'm the only one who trys here.
I never envisioned my marriage to be like this.I 'm thinking of writing him a letter,this way he can't interrupt me.
Argghhh what do I do? Give him another chance or leave? IS it only going to get worse as time goes on?
I'll be damned to give in and apologise first,I did nothing wrong,I'm quite happy to go another five days without talking to him.

**Fuchsia!** · 02-10-2007 12:13

Oh you poor thing. I don't really have that good of advice but the only thing that i can think of is maybe see a marriage counsellor. It's normal for couples to fight but it's not good that he is calling you names. And if it was i would be writing the letter, i think its a good idea. Then you can get out how you feel and how he makes you feel without argueing. I hope its better for you soon. here's another hug

**Missy75** · 02-10-2007 12:31

I think the letter is a good idea. Maybe try not to point the finger or say too much about the arguement, but let him know how you're feeling about the relationship. If it were me, I'd plan to spend a night away at Mum's or somewhere and leave the letter then so that he has some thinking time. That way you've both had plenty of time to plan what you'd like to discuss in a calm rational way. Maybe even ask him to write some things down too so that he doesn't forget anything he wants to say.

I hope things improve.

**spoon** · 02-10-2007 12:39

Maybe you should see a counsellor as a couple to get some help re communication and fighting fairly. I love my hubby but dont like him at all when we fight.

**LMum77** · 02-10-2007 14:01

First of all lots of

to you!

I think i could have written your post! My Dh and I have been arguing heaps lately...We have seen a counsellor in the past (last went about 4 months ago) which helped a lot, so i think its time we went back!! After counselling we were both able to talk about problems calmly instead of turning them into full-blown name-calling fights!

I think you both need to go to counselling so a third party can see what is happening from both sides. That way you can both get your point across calmly.

We have problems because we are both VERY headstrong and no-one wants to give in! It is very frustrating. Good luck. I hope thinks work out for you hun

**Cinta** · 02-10-2007 15:11

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It must be so tough.

I agree with you that you should never ever be spoken to like that, it's so disrespectful.

I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a good long chat about everything. Before you start, make an agreement that neither of you will start yelling. You need to sit down and work out your problems and tell him how much it hurts you when he speaks to you like that.

Writing it all down in a letter may help, that way you can be in seperate rooms and just allow him to think about everything without yelling.

Relationships take a lot of hard work...Maybe just wait around a little longer to see if you can make it work...

Whatever you choose good luck to you hun

Oh, and just wanted to add...You said that the house is yours and that you can manage the repayments - Considering you have been married for a few yrs then would he not want to go for half of the house? He would be entitled to wouldn't he? Just a thought...

All the best, thinking of you

xoxoxo

**proud_mama** · 02-10-2007 16:03

Sorry to hear you are going through all this. Maybe you guys should seek counciling and try sort out the matter. I hope it gets better for you.

**Quake** · 03-10-2007 10:22

Thanks everyone.

I agree that councelling woud be a good idea,but I know that he wouldn't go....he doesn't talk to me about his feelings,so he certainly wouldn't talk to a stranger about them.
When he came home from work last night,he said hello,how are you going....I said fine,and then I kept quite.He asked me how long was I going to "keep this up for" meaning the silent treatment.WTF??? As if you'd say that!

I said as long as it takes you to get it through your head that it's not acceptable to speak to me that way...grrrrrr,how many times do I have to tell him that??!!

We managed to have a talk about it without yelling,but we still haven't really gotten anywhere with the situation...I dunno whats going to happen at this point.I don't know what to feel etc...He still hasn't apologised either.

Thanks again ladies for your thoughts

**shymmer** · 03-10-2007 18:53

I can see you are very hurt by what he called you. But they weren't the worst things he could have said. I'm not excusing him, not saying they didn't hurt - but it could have been worse.

Please don't be offended by this, but I think giving him the silent treatment is immature. Yes, you are still angry, but your behaviour is feeding your anger and only making matters worse.
He's probably over the whole incident, has moved on and would be glad to get the marriage back on track, while you are still stewing about it and considering leaving him! Leaving you is probably the furtherest thing from his mind!
You need to let go of your anger and gently say to him point blank - "you hurt me when you called me names. It made me feel small and unloved etc. I need you to tell me you don't think that of me and that I am important to you."
The 'silent treatment' is a game. I know it's a reacton to being hurt and angry, but it achieves nothing positive. And if you are seriously considering leaving him - now is not the time for games. This is not about you appologising first - this is about you looking after your marriage.

I hope you work it out and get things back on track.

**SalTheGal** · 03-10-2007 19:04

I really really think writing a letter is a great idea. It is what both DH and I do whenever we have a big doozy fight.

We are both stubborn as hell, and therefore find it difficult to admit when we are in the wrong. But somehow writing it all down in a clear and constructed way seems to make it so much easier. That way he can also take his time to read and digest what your issues are. If he wants perhaps suggest he write a letter back, then you can come together and discuss everything. Just make sure you say some nice things in there too! Not all attacking, and taking some of the blame for how far the fight actually got.

I also think that you need to set some boundaries. My DH is also one who resorts to name calling during fights- and yelling....he now knows that if he even slightly goes there, I tell him calmly that he is stepping over our "agreed" line and that I am walking away- I would appreciate him coming to talk rationally to me when he is calm. It generally works, sometimes I have to make the first move- but I always stick to my guns, if he is irrational again I walk away again, and so it continues till he sees sense!