Hi, I thought I would start this new thread as I noticed on another thread this is something that is causing concern to those who have recently lost and those that are pregnant after a loss are floundering.
I have been pregnant twice since losing Thomas in Oct 2002, the first one was within three months of his loss and three months in to the pregnancy nsevere complications occurred and the pregnancy had to be terminated in the second trimester. it was that or I may have died and there was a 99% chance my baby would die before term. It was a few months after that before i felt comfortable even trying again and I only did as I had a medical reason found to explain both the loss of Thomas and our tiny little angel, affectionately known as Little Frankie.
During my pregnancy I had daily treatment in the form of tablets and injections and weekly doppler scans. To say it was stressful was the understatement of the century. I could not let myself believe that this baby would live. After each scan I was told the estimated weight of the baby and I would go to the shops and buy a premmie baby outfit to that size, this was the clothes the baby would wear for it's funeral. When I needed the next size up I would buy a new outfit and donate the previous one to the labour ward so if some poor family lost a premmis baby they would ahve osmething nice to put them in.
The only things I bought for my baby were funeral outfits - how bizarre is that? I used to get so mad hearing all these pregnant people who were so naive, they had bought everything, even the pram by 20 wks. I just wanted to scream at them that they were being really silly as their baby could die at any time. Of course I didn't say this (well only once!), in so many ways I was just jealous of them. Jealous of their naivity and wishing I could enjoy it too, wishing i could plan and spend hours browsing for little trinkets for my baby, dream of walking down the street with everyone cooing at how gorgeous my little one was, but I couldn't.
Even though I did have two little boys at home and I knew it was possible for me to have a living child, losing two in a row and in such awful ways (details are too long to explain here) deprived me of any confidence I had.
I did not enjoy that pregnancy, pregnancy and me have never been great friends, but this one took the biscuit, it was long and hard - in fact never ending.
After 37 weeks and 5 days my consultant decided I was ready to give birth that delaying it any longer was not good for my mental condition and increased the chances of bad things happening to bubs. I was induced but the little one had other plans and made me wait two days until he showed his face! They induced me very gently as previous labours have been very fast and furious and this need to be avoided. Once labour did kick in though it was less than an hour.
I couldn't believe Toby was here, he was alive and healthy and despite a few breathing difficulties due to mucus in his pipes he was here and much bigger than we expected. Two weeks early and already 7lbs 6oz. It was only then that I sent my husband out to buy nappies and other bits for him.
Toby will be three next month, just a few days before Thomas would be 5, in fact Toby was due on what should have been Thomas' second birthday (another good reason for an induction!). It was such a long and hard journey to get him but he has been worth it, although I didn't always say that.
In fact in the first few month he was a really hard baby, he was OK at night but cried every waking hour of the day, I struggled so much as I was scared to tell people how bad he was for fear of them saying "its your own fault, you wanted him that much'. I kept thinking how good Thomas would have been, he wouldn;t have put me though all of this. Of course in hindsight they would never have said that but at the time I felt they would so I struggled on alone - I would not recommend that to any of you guys!
That is my story in brief. I thought perhaps on this thread we could share our anxieties and fears of PAL as people, like myself, who ahve been through it and have lots ot share and those thinking about it may want to ask questions and those actually live it at the moment desperately need to share these feares with others that truly understand.
I look forward to reading yous posts.