Pregnancy After Loss

[LoopyLyndaLou]

Hi, I thought I would start this new thread as I noticed on another thread this is something that is causing concern to those who have recently lost and those that are pregnant after a loss are floundering.

I have been pregnant twice since losing Thomas in Oct 2002, the first one was within three months of his loss and three months in to the pregnancy nsevere complications occurred and the pregnancy had to be terminated in the second trimester. it was that or I may have died and there was a 99% chance my baby would die before term. It was a few months after that before i felt comfortable even trying again and I only did as I had a medical reason found to explain both the loss of Thomas and our tiny little angel, affectionately known as Little Frankie.

During my pregnancy I had daily treatment in the form of tablets and injections and weekly doppler scans. To say it was stressful was the understatement of the century. I could not let myself believe that this baby would live. After each scan I was told the estimated weight of the baby and I would go to the shops and buy a premmie baby outfit to that size, this was the clothes the baby would wear for it's funeral. When I needed the next size up I would buy a new outfit and donate the previous one to the labour ward so if some poor family lost a premmis baby they would ahve osmething nice to put them in.

The only things I bought for my baby were funeral outfits - how bizarre is that? I used to get so mad hearing all these pregnant people who were so naive, they had bought everything, even the pram by 20 wks. I just wanted to scream at them that they were being really silly as their baby could die at any time. Of course I didn't say this (well only once!), in so many ways I was just jealous of them. Jealous of their naivity and wishing I could enjoy it too, wishing i could plan and spend hours browsing for little trinkets for my baby, dream of walking down the street with everyone cooing at how gorgeous my little one was, but I couldn't.

Even though I did have two little boys at home and I knew it was possible for me to have a living child, losing two in a row and in such awful ways (details are too long to explain here) deprived me of any confidence I had.

I did not enjoy that pregnancy, pregnancy and me have never been great friends, but this one took the biscuit, it was long and hard - in fact never ending.

After 37 weeks and 5 days my consultant decided I was ready to give birth that delaying it any longer was not good for my mental condition and increased the chances of bad things happening to bubs. I was induced but the little one had other plans and made me wait two days until he showed his face! They induced me very gently as previous labours have been very fast and furious and this need to be avoided. Once labour did kick in though it was less than an hour.

I couldn't believe Toby was here, he was alive and healthy and despite a few breathing difficulties due to mucus in his pipes he was here and much bigger than we expected. Two weeks early and already 7lbs 6oz. It was only then that I sent my husband out to buy nappies and other bits for him.

Toby will be three next month, just a few days before Thomas would be 5, in fact Toby was due on what should have been Thomas' second birthday (another good reason for an induction!). It was such a long and hard journey to get him but he has been worth it, although I didn't always say that.

In fact in the first few month he was a really hard baby, he was OK at night but cried every waking hour of the day, I struggled so much as I was scared to tell people how bad he was for fear of them saying "its your own fault, you wanted him that much'. I kept thinking how good Thomas would have been, he wouldn;t have put me though all of this. Of course in hindsight they would never have said that but at the time I felt they would so I struggled on alone - I would not recommend that to any of you guys!

That is my story in brief. I thought perhaps on this thread we could share our anxieties and fears of PAL as people, like myself, who ahve been through it and have lots ot share and those thinking about it may want to ask questions and those actually live it at the moment desperately need to share these feares with others that truly understand.

I look forward to reading yous posts.

Lynda x

[jaydensmum]

Thanks for sharing your story! Its a great idea to start up a thread like this. It really helps see the light at the end of the tunnel! Im very worried about pg the next time around. Im so nervous of even falling pg. In the past i was like well if i fall pg so be it, now im so scared of the thought of it. Right now im supposed to be 6mths pg and it just doesnt seem right for me to get pg again so soon. I think this thread will really help me and others for future pg's.

[cmd'smum]

Lynda, so sorry for what you have been through This thread is a fantastic idea!

I lost a baby boy at 13 weeks gestation, not as far as you 2 lovely ladies, but still, my pregnancy with Ariane was so emotionally stressful. As soon as I discovered I was pg again, I was happy/anxious at the same time. Every little pain, every twinge, I'd think the worst! Lynda, you're right you lose all naivety and always think "If I carry to term" That's what I said for the first 3 months of my last pregnancy, and I distanced myself from it somewhat. One thing that kept me going was me constantly reminding myself that it would all be worth it in the end when I held my baby Valentine and it was.

I know that if I ever do get pregnant again, I will still worry my brains out!

Jaydensmum, hope you're doing better

[jaydensmum]

Jaydensmum, hope you're doing better

Hi there! Im slowly getting there. Its been real tough, in fact the hardest thing ive had to go through. Its still quite fresh on my mind and some things still set me off. I know it will get better but right now it seems far off.

[LoopyLyndaLou]

I think that stage at which you lose your baby is totally irrelevent, the fact is you ahve experienced loss and know that you ARE one of those people it can happen to and you are not immune It makes you feel very vulnerable and very scared.

I know after losing Thomas my 'safe' world was with those that had also experienced later loss but in itself that was scary, I was exposed to the fact that literally a baby can die at ANY stage and for almost any reason and even in many cases, for no apparent reason.

I even met a lady who is now a great friend, who had two term losses just 11 months apart for two totally different reasons, that terrified me, it could happen again....it did..

Embarking on a sunsequent pregnancy is a terrifying thing. Jaydensmum, I was the same as you, terrified at the thought of being pregnant but I was also desperately disappointed that I wasn't as each month passed, even though we weren't trying.

When we finally did try again and I fell pregnant I was pleased but the fear was awful, i knew now I was on a road I couldn't turn back on, there was a 50/50 outcome to this pregnancy and I had not control - it was a horrid thing. I clung on to my treatment as something positive i could do and at one point towards the end when my consulant told me I could stop the treatment, the look of terror in my face made him change his mind!

I will be honest wiht you guys, I don't tell many people this (although this is obviously a public wensite...) as I feel guilty about my feelings. When I was pregnant with little Frankie the fear was huge, my grief was huge, I was expecting everything to go wrong and when it did it felt like it was always going to be like that - I wasn't shocked. When I had the scan and heard the bad news that i would have to end the pregnancy I felt this overwhleming surge of relief, at last the pregnancy would end and I could stop being so scared and grieve openly for Thomas once again.

Of course once I woke from the op I didn't feel like that, i felt totally devastated but at that time how I was feeling was indescribable, I couldn;t function as the fear was so intense, the new pregnancy didn;t feel me with hope and joy it felt like a prison sentance I could not get out of. I always think of Little Frankie and I know he would forgive me for these thoughts as he will know I loved him unconditionally and I mourn his loss as much as Thomas', I just wasn't strong enough to go through that massive fight for him, I as I did for Thomas knowing the outcome would be the same.

I think you can gather from that how scared I have been..and no I won't do it again!!!

Lynda x

[Christelle]

Lynda,
What a great thread to start.

As you know I had a living child who passed away at 6 months, Aliyah, who had a long battle with a rare blood disorder and then had a bone marrow transplant. She died on 23 Dec 05. I fell pregnant again only a few months afterwards (through ivf) I desperately wanted another baby to hold and we weren't sure how long it would take for it to happen, so Lachlan was born on 8 Feb 07.

What an anxious time it was. We didn't know if he would have the same disorder as not much is known about it and they couldn't find anything genetically wrong with Aliyah, so they couldn't say if lachlan would have it. It was just horrible, the waiting and praying.

Of course i have to deal with the question, "do you have any other children?" I always mention Aliyah and tell them that she died.

I struggle at times with Lachlan, not so much now, but at the beginning when I was breastfeeding. I felt guilty telling people i was having a hard time.

Anyway, good luck to all those out there who are pregnant after a loss, be strong, and don't give up hope.

[jaydensmum]

Its great to read your girls stories and how you survived pg after a loss! It gives us girls some hope for the future.

Well im freaking out right now!! Ive got some signs of pg and im worried. Yesterday i had frequent urination. I had to go to the toilet like 5 times within 1.5hr!! This morning i woke up with nausea and its the worst!!! I even threw up, sorry for TMI!! I just feel so off! Im so worried that im pg again, but i cant think how thats possible cause we took precautions. I know im not ready for another baby yet!

[MissMel]

Hi Girls

I am so glad this thread is going!

I have my six week check up tomorrow. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind me that I had a beautiful baby only 6 weeks ago. It is all still so surreal.

Am really looking forward to seeing what my ob has to say but scared at the same time. Guess it will be a while yet before we are given the all clear to start trying again.

Find myself constantly thinking about the next pregnancy but I am not feeling so guilty about wanting it so much now. It helps so much to hear other stories. And Lynda, that book "Pregnancy after loss" is a great help too. Thanks for that.

Jaydensmum, how are you going/feeling? Any news?

Take care all
Mel

[jaydensmum]

Melissa - Congrats on your pg!! Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, let us know how it goes! With whats happening with me, well i dont really know. My tummy has been bloated for over a wk now and usually that happens before AF or pg. Usually though i only get bloating for a couple of days before AF comes. I did a pg test 3 days ago and it was , so im confused! If i dont get AF in the next week then ill go to the dr.
Hows everyone going? Its so quiet in here now, i hope you are all ok. Well ill talk to you soon.

[LoopyLyndaLou]

Hi Melissa,

it seems so wrong to go to a six week check and not have your baby with you doesn't it?

It really is such early days for you, six weeks is nowhere in the scheme of things, in fact I would say it is the start of one of the hardest stages as everyone else around you seems to have expected you to move on which puts so much pressure on you. This is where the "I am ok" mask comes in to play and you put up this fron that everything is hunkydory when the reality is you are torn in two, literally a broken person with no hope of ever being fixed.

Make sure you are honest with people Melissa, don;t keep things hidden, you have every right to be grieving, and not silently, us bereaved parents should be able to grieve openly.

I hope you appouintment goes as well as can be expected, it is going to be hard. I hope they don't drag you through rooms of pregnant mothers and newborn babies as I was, it was hell on Earth.

let us know how you get on.

Lynda x