Four richer, four poorer

[dreamer80]

I thought I would share!

Four richer, four poorer

How many children make the perfect family? Four seems to be the new ideal for affluent parents. Our correspondent explains why, and two mothers give conflicting views on large families

Sarah Vine

There’s something in the air. In the more expensive postcodes of Britain, in the upper-earning, over-achieving echelons of life in general, there is a new must-have status symbol. Not a car, not a certain type of house, not a super-sleek yacht, but something much more fundamental – and so much more significant: a child.

Specifically, a fourth child. Leading the pack are some of the richest and most powerful people on the planet: the Blairs, the Gores, the Jaggers, the Pitt-Jolies. Ségolène Royal has four children, as does Ruth Kelly. Roman Abramovich, not to be outdone by mere world leaders and superstars, has five. Nicola Horlick, that veteran overachiever, must have about 27 by now (actually it’s five, but you know what I mean).

Elsewhere, among the ever-increasing ranks of the anonymous super-rich – the fund managers and private equity whizzes – four children has now become almost a minimum requirement.

Why? Wouldn’t you have thought that, with all that high-powered posturing, life would be exhausting enough. Why compound things by adding to the never-ending pile of washing and 5am wake-up calls?

Because having four children without incurring so much as a blip in your lifestyle is the ultimate proof of success. The pile of washing is irrelevant: someone else is doing it; there is any number of highly-trained nannies to do the early shift on a Saturday morning. Tony Blair may have been up to his ears in foreign policy when baby Leo came along, but it was a point of principle that he still found time to do the odd night feed. That’s the kind of tough stuff a world leader is made of.

What might defeat ordinary mortals is just so much grist to the alpha daddy’s (or alpha mummy’s) mill. For men, the message is quick and effective: there’s plenty of lead in my pencil. For working women it reinforces just how super they really are: four children, a size ten and still got balls in the boardroom. For nonworking mothers it’s a similar thing: such is their allure that they’ve married an alpha capable of supporting not just her in suitable style, but a nest of embryonic alphas too.

Having four children means that you need a house the size of Texas; it means a convoy on the school run; an army of highly trained staff; multiple school fees. It’s the Darwinian expression of a person’s physical, mental and social superiority.

By comparison, people like myself, for whom two is already plenty hard work, both in terms of holding down a job and generally retaining some, however small, vestige of sanity, are losers.

A friend, whose wife has vetoed having even a third child, let alone a fourth, recently found himself accused of mediocrity (by a father-of-four colleague, naturally).

Mediocrity? What are these people on? And can I have some?

[dreamer80]

Additional section to the article

Three’s company
EMMA THOMPSON
Three children aged 13, 12 and 8-going-on-13
My second son was a peaceful, agreeable child and I thought that I’d cracked this parenthood lark. But two kids felt too neat and tidy, so we “went back” for another.

Two kids is a pair, three is a pack and I found myself spread as thinly as the butter on Victoria Beckham’s toast. Yes, I know, that high-flyer in the City has eight. But with two nannies on a round-the-clock rota, it’s not herself she’s spreading, is it?

So was that it for us? My husband never wanted the expense of four: end of story. My mother wanted her once-educated daughter back from the land of barefoot and pregnant. And yet, and yet . . . in a woman’s heart there is always room for one more child. I know so many women – some far beyond menopause – who live with this regret. There is a deep-seated longing to know how the recipe might turn out next time.

If you have a single-sex family, heading back to the lucky dip for “one last go” seems especially tantalising. While my sons were in Cornwall last summer, I found myself wistfully picturing my friend Amy’s youngest. In sandy knickers, with bucket and spade, she would have made a jolly addition to our family.

Perspective was restored by an e-mail from Amy herself: “Owing to the impossibility of entertaining four across a nine-year age gap, I have perfected the art of reading the paper while the little darlings maraud over the wreckage of my life’s aspirations.” Yes, putting one’s own life on hold may seem seductive but you can’t keep the nest full for ever.

The logistics are more challenging than running a FTSE 100 company, minus the status. Swimming is one entertainment for all ages, but the pool won’t admit you if three are under 8. And the older your eldest, the less hope of having them all abed by 7pm to get some recovery time. I see the weariness in Amy. There’s a funny, driven woman in there but she’s Not Available Until Further Notice.

You have to know your limits. Instead of a fourth baby, we got a dog. He’s cuddly and loving, yet when I’ve had enough of his whining I can shut him in a cage and go out on my own.
Nevertheless, I picture my old age, with my sons’ love transferred elsewhere. Meanwhile, Amy will have two lovely daughters to help her choose a new coat.

Perhaps it's not too late to go back for one more after all. You can rationalise that it’s not a good idea, yet this is irrational territory. The door is shutting on a powerful experience, and it’s still mighty tempting to go back and fling it open.

[Aquamarine]

I always said that once I got to three if I still didn't feel 'finished' I would go for a 4th regardless of sex.

I have always looked at it as, if I don't do this I don't want to look back and think 'what if' or 'I don't feel finished'.

Yes, it is a great chunk out of life. Putting the other areas of life 'on hold' but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love bringing up my children and even if I was in Victoria Beckhams shoes I wouldn't be missing out on the greatest part of my life by hiring a nanny to do all the 'nitty gritty'.

Yes, for us too, 4 is the magic number.

[mum2my4]

4 is a beautiful number of children to have

[k2ma]

Interesting articles dreamer80!

I would love four children, but find myself thinking that if we have to continue struggling as we are now, would it be fair to the children I have already?

However, I too dream of a little Daisy to complete the family! Who knows what the future may bring, but I do think that income and security will play a role in our final decision.

[me270880]

i dont know what my excuse is
we got our pidgen pair straight up.... yet still i went back for another and now expecting no4 and i'm hoping its another girl (which will make the boy be the odd one out) they're just so damn cute; or maybe its insanity?

[our little treasures]

I personally would love 6 but hubby wants to see how we go with 4. So 4 it is and we want the really close so it does make some days a bit hard but all worth it when they are playing or giving you cuddles on the couch!!

[Becteria]

I wished for a daughter, and my wish was born. I would have been happy with one...... Hendrix is so amazing i have reverted to my teenage dream of wanting a house ful of mess noise and action... 4 kids for us, too!!!!!!!

We are having to relocate out of Sydney to be able to afford it, but it will be worth it!

[Aquamarine]

I wished for a daughter, and my wish was born. I would have been happy with one...... Hendrix is so amazing i have reverted to my teenage dream of wanting a house ful of mess noise and action... 4 kids for us, too!!!!!!!

We are having to relocate out of Sydney to be able to afford it, but it will be worth it!

Yep that looks like what we will have to do eventually.

Where will you go?

We are still tossing up what to do.

Sunshine Coast is a big option for us.

Oh decision, decisions.

[punkbaby]

4 is perfect for us but i think we will go for a 5th or 6th in a few years as i still have a few baby making years left.
I would have a dozen but sadly in todays day and age it wouldnt work for us. Thankfully i can work at home and be a mum which makes a huge difference! I wouldnt know what a nanny or a cleaner was though LOL and i wouldnt have it any other way, i love doing everything for my kids even the ikky jobs