HELP...I dont know what to do...

[Kaileysmum]

Hello

I need some advise on my situation....

My brother is 18 and lives with me and dp. He has lived with us for 2 years, since my mum passed of breast cancer. But he was at school then, and getting money from Veterans affairs (my dad was in Vietnam). But now he has finished school and is off to the army in May, but he has no money.

He applied for centrelink, but has failed to do what he was supposted to do (put some forms in, collect forms, go see a job network member) as he is lazy, and only thinks about hanging with his friends. I have been nagging him every day and he doesnt listen.

Now comes to the hard part, as he has no money he cant pay me board, which means Im supporting his lazy a**e (sorry bout language). I am 22 years old, with a 3 and 1/2 month old baby, me and dp live off his small pay and a bit of family assistance. My dad lives 5 hours away and all he said was 'Gez he'll run out of money by May' (as he got $1000 for his 18th). I couldnt believe that dad didnt offer to help, he's not my son.

I love my brother but I cant afford to pay his way, we can barely afford to live ourselves. But serously (sp?) he doesnt care about anyone but himself and his friends, for example when I was in the early stages of labour at home with dd, he had his friends around to drink before they went to a party, know what women in labour wants a bunch of 18 year old boys drinking in their house, when they are in pain. So as you can see he is very selfish!!!

So I need advise, what should I do in this situation?

[lukaelmo]

Oooo the little bugger, he is making me mad :mad:

Do you actually give him money, or is it just that he uses your things and eats your food?

Oooo I don't know what to tell you, someone come and give some good advice.

[jacks mum]

it sounds like he just wants to party until May. Hard love looks like the way to go. Let him know that he has to pay his share - board, food and bills - or he'll have to move out. If he says it's only until May, see if he can move in with his friends for a short time or even your dad. He's a big boy now and you're not his mum or dad. I know it can be hard losing a parent (I've been there) but it's not an excuse to sponge off the rest of the family who by the way have their own family to love and look after now. Remember you only have one child not 2. Hope this doesn't sound to harsh and you get something from it. Good Luck

[Sarie]

It may sound mean. But I would tell him that he either seriously tries to find a job before May or he moves out. I would give him a time frame of around 2 weeks (this is realistic if he get's off his bum and looks).
If he does find a job make sure he pays you a realistic amount of board, but also if he doesn't show any attempt be serious tell him he's out. You can't afford to look after him, he is an adult.
Best of luck, be hard on him, he'll have to get usd to it of he's going into the army:)
Sarie

[brooke]

I wouldnt call him selfish he is just young... and a male which doesnt help!
If I was you I would sit down with you, him and your DP and explain that you cant afford to support him anymore and he really needs to start paying his way otherwise he will have to find another place to stay... will be hard... but you have to do it! Try not to think of him a selfish, just that he is young and still trying to find his way... boys normally take longer than girls! Good luck!

[*Chels*]

hi
ive been in your situation sort of.my bro lived with me whn he was 15 and i was 18(luckily he was well behaved)
then my sister came to live with me when she was 15 and i was 20.i was pregnant then.i got money for her, but it still made my life really hard.she was such a little b****!!!it was the biggest mistake i ever made letting her live with me.like ur brother, she was lazy and only thought of herself.it stressed me out so much, and who needs that sh** when your pregnant??
now that u have a baby, that should be your main concern.tell your dad to get his act together and have ur bro live with him.whats with parents expecting other people raise THEIR kids-makes me mad.i know hes ur bro and everything, but he needs to grow up, and its not your problem.tough love baby-kick him out!!!
ps-im so sorry about the loss of your mum!:(

[zenifa]

As Dr Phil would say "your brother is mooching off you!!", but he needs to "get real"!! This means he needs to get a job (to support himself and pay his way ie food and lodging) or move out - with his friends or your dad!! As the others have said, you need to sit down with him and let him know that you can no longer support him (even if it is only til May) and that he can only stay if he gets a job and give him a realistic timeframe of two weeks ( I would only extend this if he is showing real effort to get a job), but you have do this, as you have your own family to support now. Although I know your situation is tough, following the loss of your mother, but he is an adult now and not your responsibility. He needs to learn to look after himself. Good luck, I know it won't be easy!! Let us know how you go!! :) Z

[MilkOnTap]

Ewells - My Mum is in the same situation. My sister is living with her, and she has only a very small income and my sister finished school last year. She is also 18, and isn't interested in finding work - just bumming round home and sitting on the i'net. She also needs a good kick up the backside!

I have told my Mum that she should kick her out. Mum cant afford to pay her way (especially now that Dad isn't giving her any child support) so she really needs to do something. But its hard isn't it - they're family and you dont want to do the wrong thing, but sometimes doing the right thing is just as hard.

Maybe if you put it to him that "surely you dont like living with a crying baby all the time" and "wouldn't you prefer to be with mates?" Maybe then he might see some sense?

Good luck with it all - and keep us posted!!!

[aardvark]

My brother moved in with me when I was expecting DD#1.

He had just got an apprenticeship, and had a huge roow with my father and was kicked out of home.

I charged him board, and given he had very dirty work clothes, had him doing his own washing.

He soon moved out and boarded with another family close by - not like he had much choice, we were in a 2 bedroom unit, and needed the bedroom he was using for the baby.

I'd be inclined to sit down and point out the facts to him - and tell him he owes you $X per week for board. If you don't lay some ground rules, he'll walk all over you.

[razzle]

Sounds like he's walking all over you already! Kick the cheeky bugger out or send him back to your dad. He's an adult at 18 so treat him like one!

[Peaceangels]

I agree with all previous post's - he need's to (a) get a job and (b) find somewhere else to live!
If he needs $$ between now and May any sort of job would be easy to attain - he just needs to get off his butt and do something about it.
Unless you say something to him, he is just going to think that you are ok with it, so sit down with him and dp and just let him know how you feel and where you guys are at financially.
Your right, he's not your child and you need to be enjoying dd right now, not worrying about your younger brother!
Hope it all works out for you soon. Take care :)

[Kaileysmum]

Hey guys

Thanks for all the replies. I really dont know, I feel to bad to kick him out. He did pay board while he was at school as he was getting money, so its only been the last month that we havent got anything off him. Its hard cause him and my Dad dont get along, and Dad lives 5hrs away.
I dont mind him living with me as he's always out or in his room, but he runs up the phone bill, eats like a horse and chews up the power with all the s**t he has in his room. We have tried talking to him lots of times, but he doesnt listen, just go's "yeah, yeah' or 'I know, Ill get around to it'. I just wish it wasnt so hard. I want to ask my dad to support him, but my stupid step mother is incharge of their money and she'll just say "he's 18 now, he can figure it out for himself". But were does that leave me. Im just so sick and tired of having to deal with all the c**p in our family, no one thinks of how I feel. Trust me when I say my whole family is Selfish, as its true. Well thanks for listening to me and letting me vent. If anyone has anymore suggestions please add them I need all the help I can get!
Thanks E:confused:

[shinebrite]

well he should be getting paid from family assistance like new start or something like that because he has been kicked out by your dad, also YOU should be getting family assistance the number for family assistance is 136 150 I work for FACS (family and comunity services) in canberra and we get heaps of people saying the same thing.

all else fails you NEED to tell him to hit the road by the sounds of things he should b gettin a joy ride from u its not acceptable!!!! U kinda need to put ur foot down tell him to get government suport or get a job or leave!!! I love ,y brother but if this happened we just couldnt afford it! let him know how much it costs u to pay for the house then ask him does he have that kind of money? ask him does he want to live on his own and pay more!!!!?????

hope that helps but all I know is you should b getting $ off centerlink!

[Biene]

What is it with some teenagers today? My brother is the same age and does the same thing to my mother...except he works, refuses to pay board and is just ignorant towards the rest of the family.

It took almost a year of my mother nagging him to get a job, he would just sit at home on the computer and do nothing all day, and go out with his mates on the weekend to the wee hours.

I can just imagine the 'yeah yeah', I used to do a lot for my brother, sending him money etc., but when his behaviour changed I let him know it was unacceptable and I wasn't going to keep assisting unless he got a job etc. this went down like a lead balloon, somehow they get it into their heads that it is your duty to help them and their behaviour shouldn't influence your actions.

At the end of the day you aren't his mother/father and its really not fair that you should take on full responsibility, your brother is 18 and is an adult, I know boys and girls are different, but at 18 I left to go to the UK on my own, your brother is capable but lifes probably just too comfortable for him at the moment, I suggest again sitting down with you, your partner and brother and having a serious adult conversation, unfortunately at that age they can be really self-centred and only think of themselves, maybe give him a time frame, get a job by this date or you have to leave to try and spur him into action.

[Lucybelle]

You would only be able to get Family Assistance if he was still at school fulltime. He would be receiving youth allowance as a jobseeker, based on the parents income. Thats if he got off his *** and did what he needed to.

You are doing him no favours by letting him stay and mooch off you. If he can't pay rent give him extra housework, if he won't do that you must show him the door. Really.

Why do you feel bad - it should be him that feels bad.

You don;t have to be nasty to him, just say - Hey kiddo, I can't afford to keep you, it's not my job, your a big boy now. Give him 2 weeks to find a job, or get back on his c'link payments (in which case I would tell him he still needs to look for work), if not he's gotta go. Let him make the decision himself.

Good luck