Developing assertiveness

[Graeme]

Hi,

We're wanting to help Jasmine (4 years old) to become a bit more assertive. Even though it could make our life a bit more difficult, we want her to be able to say no and be very clear about what she wants.

Mostly she has very good very good verbal and communication skills, but she isn't a risk taker. A few examples, she didn't take her first step by-herself until she was 17 months old, but didn't really walk until she was just over 20 months (until then she was very happy to walk holding our hand, but wouldn't let go.) She has only got out of bed by herself about 3 or 4 times - she waits until we come in and get her. We didn't need to child proof our house as she didn't go exploring much.

She even does things like takes the smaller of two pieces of choclate when offered to her. If we ask her if she wants to do something and she doesn't, she mostly just goes very quiet rather than saying clearly that she doesn't want to. We only had about 2 or 3 tamptrums when she was two! (We are experiencing much more typical behaviour with Alexa - at least it helps to keep us well grounded.)

She is a lovely little girl, with a beautiful temprament: we are just sometimes concerned that she could be walked over by other people. Any suggestions for helping her to become more assertive?

Thanks
Graeme

[°o.O߀llðh'§ mümO.o°]

Wow Graeme.
How sometimes i wish i was in your shoes! I have a 2.8 yr old who is very assertive...She is the exact opposite to your 4yr old Jasmine!
A family member of mine was like this when she was little & grew up with very little self esteem,something she is working through still now in her teenage yrs,So i hope this isnt the problem for you & your family.

Mmm i dont really know any good advice to give you except maybe for the one you most probably have already heard..I think all you can do encourage her to do things for herself,tell her she is a big girl & big girls need to be able to things on their own..e.g get out of bed,brush own teeth,dress themselves.......

I am sorry if this advice didnt help...& I wish you luck,please keep us informed! :)
Amandax

[Graeme]

Hi Amandax

I was hesitant to raise it, because I know we are really lucky in many ways. Of course we think she is absolutely adorable. It's also funny because in some ways she is quite confident - she does things like volunteering to be a magician's assistant (and was very proud that SHE made the dove appear!)

So I know we are incredibly lucky, and want to preserve what we have in many ways. Like you say, there is just a bit of a risk when she grows up. I would hate to see her in a unhappy or even a violent relationship because she is not assertive.

Thanks for your encouragement, I'll certainly keep you informed.

Graeme
PS Good to see others from the Hunter too.

[xkwzit]

Hi Graeme
I was also worried that my DD1 didn't communicate well when she didn't like something. She would tend to burst into tears (and I think this was the only tool she had for dealing). I got her to practise saying "no". When she would tell me later what so-and-so did to her at daycare, I would ask, "Did you tell him/her to stop? Did you say "No, I don't like that"?"

I think that it must have sunk in because she tries it with her 10 month old sister (who is - of course too young to even understand :p ). I think that it is important that they can let other kids (and grown ups) know that they have crossed a boundary and to ask them to stop.

Cheers

[Graeme]

Hi Samantha,

I agree. Saying no is really important, even with adults (or maybe especially with adults). I like your idea of asking her if she said no when she was telling you things.

I did a workshop called rock and water recently. Basically the idea is that sometimes we have to be rocks and stand firm (like say no) and other times we have to be like water and go with the flow. It made a lot of sense to me and you are clearly teaching your daughters to be rocks when appropriate.

Catch you later
Graeme

Graeme

[mumof2girls]

Graeme

Your daughter sounds just like my 2 girls (now aged 11 & 13) they were and still are very quiet children (not as quiet) I really worried about them for the same reasons but as they have grown I have kept an eye on them and their self esteem and they are both very assertive if they have to be.
The youngest has a hard time if she can't please everyone and people try to walk over her at times but I had to tell her that people who put pressure on her to like/dislike others aren't her friends and to tell no instead of trying to please them, she does this and no-one walks over her & she isn't to bad at trying to please everyone anymore.

I think if you trust your instincts and you know your children and their abilities then they should be fine, not all children are assertive but can be if need be, you probably won't see this until she goes to school and has to use these abilities, that you can see her strengths & weaknesses and then work on them.

I wish you all the best with your daughter........I'm sure she will be fine

[Graeme]

Thanks for the encouragement Mumof2girls. It was good to read about your two girls.

It will be interesting to see the path her life takes, and I hope we help her develop her strong side as well as her lovely caring nature so that she can care for others and stand up for herself as well.

She was upset today, but couldn't tell us what was wrong (even though she has the verbal skills to do so). I think I know what it and I hope that as she becomes more confident she will be able to verbalise it. It's so hard when she is sobbing away and essentially we can't do anything but be with her (which I know is often enough).

Catch you later
Graeme

[mumof2girls]

Graeme

It sound like you and your wife are doing a great job raising your daughter, just be patient and things will turn out great. Your right though just being there for them is enough most of the time and I think with the guidance you guys are giving her she will be a well rounded little girl that you will be proud of!

Best of luck
Kay

[Lucybelle]

Jasmine sounds like a sweet soul - but sweet souls often do get walked over.
The rock and water thing is a great analogy - I'll certainly use that one.

The only thing I can offer is to ensure Jasmine see you and her mum communicating effectively. Even if you exaggerate it a little when J is around. Most kids at that age have NO PROBLEM vocalising what they want RIGHT now and yelling the place down, but J must not feel comfortable with this (god love her), so show her another way to get what she wants/needs.

[Graeme]

Hi Lucbelle (and others)

I agree. It probably isn't surprising that assertiveness is not one of my strongest points. I can be quite assertive but at other times, I'm pretty bad.

I think Cathy and I communicate well, so I'm hoping she will pick up good skills. I like your idea of exagerating it sometimes for Jasmine's benefit.

I'm also hoping that Jaz will learn from Alexa who already shows she can be quite "assertive" (i.e. volcalising what she wants right now!). Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could walk the middle ground? But I guess that would take all the fun out of being a parent ;)

Graeme