Is it wrong of me?

[Rainbowbrite]

OK guys i REALLY need your help on this one.

I'll get straight to the point, my dad has been causing trouble with my DH since day 1. Telling me that my mum hates him (she loves him), always gossips about everyone & everything etc. Now I find out that he called my BIL thinking it was my DH & started abusing him. He stopped quick when BIL said it was not DH. He has never made an attempt to see MJ when he lives 30mins away only having seen her at family do's etc. Didnt even see MJ till she was 8weeks old :mad: Mind you he is always calling to tell me how to raise MJ & tell me what i'm doing wrong.

Anyway, i have recently found out that he molested a very close family member, as well as his own sister many years ago. AND a neighbour claims that he molested her daughter too :eek:

DH now hates him which i totally understand, but he's trying to call him & cause trouble. He cant call him though as we changed his number a while ago due to a stalker (whole other story) & all our numbers are private. We had to see him last week at my sisters party but didnt offer for him to hold MJ at all, but when a friend took MJ outside he was there & held her. Luckily MJ got upset so DH snatched her back & took her straight to me.

I DO NOT WANT HIM NEAR MY DAUGHTER EVER AGAIN infact speaking to him turns my stomach.

What can I do? He's my dad, but i want nothing to do with him ever again. I dont want him near me, especially MJ. DH is not a violent man at all, but wants to kill him.

I've been thinking about this all day & just had to vent to someone. Is it wrong of me to feel like this, to never want him near my family again?

I feel so stupid putting this up here but just really need a sounding board as I cant talk to family about it. Luckily i have you guys :)

RB

[Supermum]

Oh my lord ... I don't know what to say to you except *hugs*.

What you are feeling is so very normal - I doubt any of us here would dispute that. I don't think I'd want anything to do with my father either if I found out what you have.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation ... similar in that she found out her father had molested children - dissimilar in that he had also been molesting her for 8 years. The family believes him and not her and she no longer keeps in contact with any of them. Not one.

Tough call and not one I'd be wanting to make.

I'm very firm on my views relating to the subject and would probably never want to see him again ... and certainly never let him anywhere near my child.

Glad you came here to chat though ... and I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. Peace.

[Rockett]

What a horrible situation this is.Hugs to you. :(
Sorry,I'm not too good on the advice front,but it's not wrong of you to feel this way about him,I am quite sure I would feel the same,I wouldn't want someone like that near my daughter.
I know he's your dad,and it would be hard to cut off all contact,but you have to think about MJ's safety,she comes first.
Please let us know how you go.:)

[lukaelmo]

Doh :(

What an awful situation you have been cornered into.

I say follow your instincts on this one, if you feel you don't want to see your dad anymore then that is the right thing to do.

Big hugs to you.

[Rainbowbrite]

Thanks.

The issue I have is how do I do it? He doesn't know that I know. My mum is the one that told me, so that i can protect MJ. I HATE him. I've known for about a month now & the more I think about it, the less I want to be related to him. Do I call him, send him a letter or what?

Sorry to put this on to you all.
Thanks so much for your help :)

RB

[Jenko]

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I don't blame you one bit for not wanting anything to do with him and can understand how your DH must be feeling.

It's sounds as though it's all very fresh and your feelings on how to deal with it must be extremely frustrating.

Big hugs to you....this is the place to let it all out - as you know. :)

[MilkOnTap]

Donnelle - I have been in a very similar situation as you, and I can totally understand what you are feeling. You are doing the right thing.

I found out just recently that my father sexually assaulted my aunt about 20 years ago. He has cheated on Mum a few times (they're now separated and she has an AVO against him). He has threatened to kill both me and my Mum and now I refuse to have anything to do with him.

I once had to call the cops about him - thats how bad things were.

In all honesty - if it were me in your situation - I would NEVER let my father hold my baby. A bub is so vulnerable and defenceless that never would I give my father the PRIVELEGE of being near his own grandchild.

[razzle]

Oh RB that's awful!! ((((Hugs)))) to you! I can understand you feeling the way you do, my gosh, I don't think there's a mother (or father) in this community that wouldn't feel the same!!

Is there any reason why he's still invited to family functions? Why hasn't the whole family ostracised him? Do they know??

[Seekrit]

Oh RB *hugs* What a situation!
I'm just going to echo the 'go with your instincts' that everyone else has said. If it were me, simply because I would like to think this is what I WOULD do in that situation, I just wouldn't talk to him.
If he called I'd hang up.
If he wrote, I wouldn't write back.
If he visited I'd lock the doors.

It's better to say then do, I know.

*hugs* I hope you have the strength to do what you feel is right.

[Rainbowbrite]

Is there any reason why he's still invited to family functions? Why hasn't the whole family ostracised him? Do they know??

I honestly dont know why he's still invited. My sisters know, but they dont seem to care which amazes me. They've known for a lot longer than me. Dont know if my brother remembers as it was him that was molested. He was only young but old enough to tell my mum when it happened. I think he should be told, but eveyone else disagree's. I want to out him to the world, believe me. I dont care if my family disown me, I have DH & MJ & my mum, oh and BUBHUB.

I know i need to distance myself, but the answer is how?

RB

[MilkOnTap]

Is your Mum and Dad still together?

It is hard to distance yourself - I mean, when it comes to the crunch he IS your father... I can kind of relate to what you mean.

I guess for me it was easy. I just shut down any means of communication. Over time he has learned that I dont want anything to do with him. And that suits me fine.

[Rainbowbrite]

Is your Mum and Dad still together?

No they divorced years ago, partly due to what happened.

I've tried ignoring his calls but he calls, and calls, and calls etc. The other day he was calling my home & mobile simultaneously :mad: Woke MJ but thats another whinge :rolleyes:

RB

[razzle]

Oh man, I'd get a silent number and only give it to people you trust not to give it to him. I can't believe he's still invited places!! :confused: I'd out him - easy for me to say though, it's not my decision. Whatever you decide - be brave and know that we're all here to support you!!

[lil button]

Big (((HUGS TO YOU)))


all our numbers are private.


Who gave him your number???

If you don't want him around then tell him where to go, and hang up every time he rings, he will soon get the answer.
I feel for you, my nanna decided on Xmas Day about 8 years ago ( on a very rare occasion that her and cousins and aunt got together.) that she would sit my mum and aunt down and tell them that my grandad had abused my cousins(never my sisters/brother or me), not that long before. She thought everyone would be okay with it. I have never seen my nana & grandad since and wouldn't want to. They try to get into contact with my mum every few years but she won't have a bar of it. The only way they find her address in the phone book.
Only you can make the choice.

[Ffrenchknickers]

OH dear RB and Ally:( I dont have much useful advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to say that I hope all works out for you:) I hope that you find clarity and strength about what to do. Keep safe and happy xx

[somedaysoon]

Oh RB, I feel for you. Don't worry about how you tell him - just tell him. He deserves nothing more. And then if he rings, hang up. And if he rings again, hang up. And if he rings again ... you get my drift.

You owe him NOTHING, whereas you owe your daughter all the protection you can give her. Don't worry about not offending him. Just do what is best for you and your daughter.

Good luck!

[petal80]

RB

Hi Sweety - Man thats a VERY sticky one -
Im sorry cause I dont feel like I have the answer for you either -
I think that I would do what Seekrit said :


I just wouldn't talk to him.

but thats easier said than done ... :(

Oh big hugs honey -
Brooke

[Rainbowbrite]

As much as I Hate him (dont like that word but nothing else fits), I cant confront him. I'll just keep ignoring his calls & if i make the mistake of answering the phone, i'll just be as cold as possible, which i've been doing anyway. Hopefully he'll get the message.

He is not welcome in my home though, thats for sure.

I just wish he'd call & try to cause trouble so I could tell him what i think, just dont want to instigate it IYKWIM.

Thanks everyone, hopefully now that i've gotten it off my chest i might sleep a bit tonight :)

RB

[reAllytee]

Well thats just really sad isnt it :( Im afraid i have no idea what this must feel like it certainly isnt something you expect from a parent.
To find out in such a horrible way & then to know everyone else knew but act likes its "ok" sorry but thats wrong. I dont blame your hubby for wanting to kill him i mean he has held your daughter etc plus most men react & feel the same way about child molesters. Thats often why things arent so good for them in gaol. Sorry but leopards never change their spots.
Anyways are you sure your brother doesnt know ? Maybe he is too scared to either say anything or confront him ? Speaking from experience i never could confront my molester either he always scared me which seem stupid especially when not around him i would want to kill him. Its just you revert back to being a child around them & feeling scared as well at intimidated.
If your brother does remember then i know how he is feeling my mother refused to accept what happened to me so my father never knew & my sisters only in recent years have found out. I actually had to have meals & special occasions with this man in our house & act like all was fine. Needless to say no wonder i had a nervous breakdown at 22yrs.
I really hope you do find a resolution as i know it must be hard for you to feel torn in that even though he is a sick man he is still your father.
Id keep some distance for awhile let things cool down so you can at least have time to think about how you will approach it all. But i do think making him no longer welcome at your home is a good thing.
I wish you the best & i hope you find some peace in this mess.