Hey mum's who work.... Pls read

[IheartOman]

Can you please tell me do you work full time or part time and what are the benefits and disadvantages? Is it hard to only see your child part-time? How has the child changed? Do you still bond well your child? (And how old is your child/ren)

Thanks.

[SweetSerenity]

Hi Shanilee...

Im a "new" SAHM, have been since April. Before then i worked 3 - 4 days a week for the first 2 years of my sons life.

My son adapted very well and grew into a well balanced little loving boy.

The sleep deprivation was a little hard to get used to but then your body seems to kick in and it doesnt become a hassle anymore.

I actually enjoyed working as i had been doing it for 4 years (pharmacy assistant) and i loved the social interaction.

I obviously missed my little guy alot and he missed me and even had days where i REALLY didnt want to leave him so occassionally called in sick to be with him.

At the time though i was with my ex DH and together we had alot of expenses and i had to work... I still continued to work once i became a single mummy but i decided to stop this year for some personal reasons.

One of the main ones was that after 2 years of working, i wanted to be a SAHM and enjoy my son and be more involved in his development. Him being with my mum 3 days out of the week made me sad as i wanted to be there all the time.

Another reason was that mum has carpel tunnel and suffers from depression. Having peter for full 3 days was VERY tiring on her so that was another contributing factor.

Being at home surviving just on the government is very hard. If you live out on your own, its a struggle but can be done.

I personally will probably go back to part time work next year (hoping to start peter in pre-school)...

Or if im lucky and im able to build up my make up business (im a make up artist) then i will be able to work from home and freelance. Thats my goal for this year.

Working and being a mum is difficult but not impossible. I still found it easy keeping up with the housework and other things.

Are you able to have someone look after Oscar or will you have to put him in daycare if you go back to work?

I hope some of my rambling has helped in anyway possible :hugs:

Nat xxx

ETA: When i was working, peter and i still bonded REALLY well. We always had fun together and he was still a happy child even though i worked.

[IheartOman]

Me and my dp are splitting up. I have two options... Stay in Canberra but he wants part-time custody and to be honest I hated the thought to begin with but I am slowly understanding that it is fair. He would work part-time and so would I so Oscar wouldn't go to day care. If I stay here I can get a great job.

OR..

Move back to Orange where my family is, go on a pension and have Oscar full time. No career there for me so once I am ready to return to work I would move back to Canberra anyway.

I just don't know what to do. He is only 10 weeks old. I can't imagine not seeing him all day every day but staying in Canberra has lots of benefits like good work and even though part-time care isn't exactly what I want I know that it also allows both me and dp to have a 'life' of our own but have our son equally as well. And as I said I would eventually come back here anyway and do the part-time care.

I feel so torn I don't know what to do. Im worried we wont be as close, Im worried about other people influencing him and who he becomes. Im worried he will hate me later in life for not being a full time mum.

:gloomy::gloomy::gloomy:

[SweetSerenity]

It is a really hard decision.:hugs: :hugs:

I know how torn i felt too when i went back to work after peter was born. I was lucky though and didnt have to go back till he was 4months, but still it seemed too early.

I have been following your other thread... do you think your dp will be able to handle bubs part time? Especially being so little still??

If your DP has Oscar part time, would oscar HAVE to sleep over initially?

Like if you went back to work part time, what if say in the first year, your dp looks after him while you go to work, but you pick him up after work and take him there before work?

I personally think having two houses to be sleeping at would be too disruptive for your little one (being only ten weeks old), it would be so much better for him to still be sleeping at your home every night for the first year... just my personal opinion. Would that work or not?

I really feel for you, its such a hard choice.

[IheartOman]

Yeah that's was I was thinking too. Like you cant have him sleep in different beds, it's too confusing for him.

DP would be able to handle it yeah. For all he is an ar$e he is a great dad. He has a 6 year old and I have watched him with him for the last 3.5 years, I have no doubt he can handle Oscar.

It's definetly not my ideal situation. I knew in my heart we wouldn't last but I was hoping when it came to an end it was at a time when I was ready to return to work part-time instead of being this early into Oscar's life.

LOL I am selfish :laughing:

Ahhh I dunno.

[SweetSerenity]

Well if Oscar can continue sleeping at yours till he's older, and if you feel you really need to go back to work, i say stay in Canberra and do it that way.

If Oscar was made to stay the night though, i would personally really think of going to Orange and have him full time till he's older.

I just dont think a baby so young having "two" homes is a great idea.

I've seen a little girl grow up in this situation where she stays half the week with dad, the other half with mum and shes a very withdrawn little girl.

Not saying ALL situations like this are bad, but i have seen what they CAN do and its not good for them.

So yeah, if he's willing to agree to let Oscar be picked up and dropped off everyday before and after you go to work, i think that would be a much better situation for both you and Oscar:hugs:

[IheartOman]

Yeah that is a good point... mmm decisons decisions!

[SweetSerenity]

If only this decision was easy!

Do what feels right to you hun. Its yours and Oscars future :hugs:

If you ever want to chat, feel free to pm me:hugs:

Love Nat xxx

[IheartOman]

Thanks :)

[Hector]

It's not just maternal instinct that's putting you off the idea of him sleeping over at different houses. There's research to back you up. Basically it says that little ones (ie: under 18mths/2 yrs) should have short, frequent contact with the non-res parent to build up r'ship. Longer period (ie: overnight) can unsettle the child and cause them separation anxiety etc etc. As well as the fact that if the split of the child is organised as Dad has him Mon-Thurs, Mum, Thurs - Sun, then this is even worse.

I got this info from various books, magazines and health sites on the web, but my ex wasn't having a bar of it (he thinks books are rubbish and all the world's facts should be based on the opinions he makes up based on his gut and twisted logic...argh!) then I ordered the wee pamphlets from the Child Support Agency (about raising children when separated, budgeting etc) and ALL of what I was saying was spelt out in these books.

I felt SO relieved. The thought of packing my tiny baby off to stay with her dad, who couldn't be there for me (we split when still pregnant), and couldn't even help out when I LET him stay in our house after the birth cos I felt sorry for him and didn't want him to miss out on those initial days (he slept through all the night feeds,changes because he stayed out til after midnight drinking with mates then was on playstation til 3am, yep, what a star!)

He improved over time and was always hankering to have her o/night but it really did my head in because he wanted this privelege despite doing jack all on every other level - ie: money, cleaning, buying her stuff.

I told him that (& the books backed me up!) that if he built up r'ship with her over time by frequent, short, regular contact, then we'd build up to full days and eventually o/night. By various fool behaviour by him, he never made it that far. I felt like the Little Red Hen. It's all about 'rights, rights, rights' these days but screw it, at some point people have to EARN them and live up to their responsiblities.

Saying all that, sounds like your ex is not too bad on that front, but even at the best of times, I was still the primary carer and she was most secure with me. These days, as she gets closer to 2, I can see how she could handle spending o/night with her dad, and she has occasionally had an o/night with my mum (I think twice since birth).

The other factor was, I was absolutely distraught at the prospect of him having her o/night (or even longer than a few hours!) when she was really small. This is instinctive and purposeful - you're the mummy and you should feel this way. It's your job to look out for your baby's best interests. I think that's probably why we struggle so much with going back to work.

Is there an option where you could stay in Canberra so ex has frequent access, and not work, then when you feel ready, and bub is ready, gradually start back at work? I started last year with just a day here or there, and then eventually with 2 or 3 days a week up to 5 part-time days (6 hrs max) this year. However these 6 months have been too much (we've moved and have nobody for support) so I'm finishing up and going back to be a SAHM for a while, maybe sell some stuff at markets, lol!

At the end of the day the decision is yours. Don't rush into things and make sure you consider all options. I think I felt a bit pressured, as a single mum on welfare, to get off the 'dole' and back into work and prove I could support myself and bub, but I really underestimated how much I would miss her and how much of her development I would miss out on (she was about 16 mths when I started part-time and will be 2 in Sept). My job often follows me home and with all the paperwork I've found I don't have time for her even after work or on the weekends. We spend most of our time in tears and I don't want that to be what she remembers of her childhood. She's only going to be a baby, a toddler, a little girl the ONCE and I can't get it back when it's gone.

That's my story anyway (the loooong version, sorry!!) I hope you are able to work things out.

[shed]

I work part time, three days a week. I originally went back to work fulltime but I only lasted a month before I quit.

I work Monday, Wednesday and Friday, a total of 20 hours. It was my choice to work as I was unhappy at home full time and I thought this would be the answer.

I miss bubby so much during the day. I basically count the hours till I can go home and I sit and stare at his photo all day. I breastfeed so my milk lets down constantly at work because I am thinking about him.

He goes to Family Daycare, the lady is lovely, but yes, I do feel like I am sharing him a bit, but he is ten months old and he is happy and settled there. She has kids and they love him and he's spoilt rotten.

I love the money though, its all mine to spend how I like, I spend it all on bubby of course, LOL, but I feel much happier being independent from DP in that regard.

Before bubby was six months old there was no way in hell I could have left him. I went back to work when he was about 8 months, to the first job that lasted a month, then was home for a couple of weeks before I got this new part time job.

I haven't really offered any advice, but if I was in your shoes I would probably stay home for quite a bit longer.

I would move back to Orange.

[mogsy79]

hi there firstly im sorry to hear of you'r breakup with dp. im still with my dp but have returned bck to work part time at nite so dp has dd. no we dont have to pay for childcare. there prices are through the roof. it was hard going bck to work and leaving her but it had to be done. now i love it. It got me out of the house which was great. my dd nearly two and she has ajusted well to me going to work and its good time for dp also. :ecomcity: Well anyways goodluck and my :fingerscrossed: for u.

[melbryan]

Like Shed I work part time (3 days) and enjoy it as it is just part of me and to not work is to lose a part of myself if that makes sense. I worked when all hit six mths they are with a lovely lady who is strict but good she has been my godsend. I do love my children and when I am with them I enjoy the time. All my 3 will be under 3 1/2 and people say how do you do it? It's simple I live a pretty balanced life and when it sort of over whelms I go and have a day to myself and remember when I didn't have kids. But seriously I couldn't live without them and wouldn't change my lot for the world. I work, I look after my children and love my husband so very much, I wouldn't swap it for a second. It's just how life works best for us. No advice but what you feel at the end of the day, it is alot harder for some to leave their children, it has been fine for me, really not a baby person.

[xkwzit]

I also work part time, 3 days a week (20 - 24 hours, depends).

I love it, I never want to go back full time. It helps so much even with running the house (errands, shopping, tradies) and of course I get time to be SAHM two days/week and walk DD1 to and from school. I get to think about dinner and spend time over it (not have things that only take little preparation. Both girls love their days at daycare / school and staying home with mum too.

To me, it feels like the best of both worlds.

[IheartOman]

Thanks for your responses ladies. Good to hear other peoples stories and try put things in perspective :thumbsup:

[jojojonsey]

Shanilee - you are a star! I've seen a few of your threads and your straight forward, level headed, considered responses to your situation are fantastic. so *Snaps* for Shanilee!

I work part time at the moment but will go full time soon. I miss my kids when I work but really I've got it easy compared to some women in this world. Leaving them doesn't get any easier as they get older. I cried the same way when I took my eldest to school as I did when I dropped her of to daycare for the first day.

I have had no trouble bonding with my children. If anything I think that they are more confident in themselves through being in care. I have co-slept with them which I find helped with sleep deprivation. We have a very family centred life at the moment because we work. That means weekends etc are spent focussing on our family, bonding and being with each other.

Your situation is so tricky. I agree with what Hector wrote about the over night stays.

[~Kimba~]

I work 4 days a week (32 hours) and I wish it was less - 2 or 3 days would be much better.

On the days that I work I feel like I hardly see my baby at all (he's just turned 8 months) - we get up at 7, I drop him to family daycare at 7.30 then commute to the city and work 8.30 to 4.30 without a break so that I can get home by 5.30 to feed bub his dinner and get him to bed. Its exhausting - I totally live for the 3 days a week I have off!

If I was in your situation and if I broke up with my DH, I would choose to move back to the small town where my family lives and either go on a pension or get part-time work there. I'd rather be near my family and see them all the time and have their support than try to do it on my own.

[IheartOman]

Thanks jonsey, appreciate your compliment :)

[naybee]

I went back to work part time when Gracie was about 5 months old. I am lucky enough to work for a company that is fantastic with it's parental policies and I have been able to build my hours up over the last 2 years and now do 4 days a week.

At first, when Gracie was so little, it was hard to leave her - always worrying about what I was missing.

But at the same time, while I was certainly working to help provide us with a certain lifestyle, I also really enjoyed working.

Now, 4 days is a good balance. I have Fridays as just Gracie/Mummy days and then we have the weekend as a family. It seems to work well for us.

I understand you may have a different situation, with other decisions clouding up your space at the moment - and I wish you all the best, as I can't imagine it would be easy facing these things on your own.

Cheers - Renee