Do you ever feel that you lose your identity?

[ButterflyMama]

Since having Scarlett and going through a very traumatic birth to get her here I feel as though sometimes my identity as an individual is lost.

I'm a mother.
I'm a student.
I'm a friend.
I'm a wife.
I'm a daughter.
I'm a cook.
I'm a granddaughter.
I'm a sister in law.
I'm a daughter in law.
I'm an environmental advocate.
I'm an artist.

I'm made up of so many things. There are so many different parts to me. But since giving birth I feel like a lot of who I am is lost and all I have become to the outside world is "Scarlett's mother". It's like I don't have any of my own personal attributes anymore. People call me and the first thing they ask is "How is Scarlett?". Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter more than life it's self, I would die for her, but I can't help feeling upset that to some, I'm just her mother. I'm no longer entitled to be who I was before giving birth anymore. It's like I've changed completely to some people since giving birth. Even to people I am close to.

I feel like no one recognises that babies don't just pop out. There is hard work in getting them here, and a lot of the time, emotional scars that are very deep.

People always give presents for the child, but what about the mother?! Why not recognise what she did? Ask how about how she is going, in herself?

I hope this makes sense. :confused:

Jessie

[Ana Gram]

I think that simply being her mother has made me feel like I have lost my identity with most people, rather than the traumatic birth. I think a lot of mothers go through the same thing.

[mumski]

Well said Chelle, becoming a mother whether it was traumatic or not is completely life changing for lots of women - especially those who leave their career/former life for an extended length of time.

Miss behave you're very right we need to look after mothers more. Everyone fusses around the baby in the first few weeks and then the novelty wears off and you're all alone. It's a huge adjustment that a lot of people are not expecting.

[Mischief]

Yep, I often used to joke about it, but it really did hurt.

Once I became pregnant, I became the "Mother to Be". Once I had Oliver I became Olivers mum. I LOVE Oliver soooo much, but I miss being Kat sometimes!

Its perfectly normal to feel like this honey!

[SassyMummy]

I feel I've lost mine, but it's not due to birth trauma in my case. I think a lot of it is my fault though - I've stopped doing much in the way of "me" stuff, and have made sure most of my world revolves around DD. I'd feel like a bad mother if I had it any other way, but I don't feel like an actual seperate person the way I'm currently doing it.

[mama2cierra]

:yes: :yes: :yes:
check out my screen name it says it all. we are in the same boat sweetie.
Im actually seeing a psychologist at the moment because of my thoughts and feelings .
i think its all a matter of prioritizing the list of who we are and concentrating of what feels the most natural to us

[LittleBoysRock]

I have definetly lost myself in the process of being someones mother. :(

[Phyllis Stein]

This is one thing that scares me about having children, though it won't stop me of course. I'm just so used to being me, for me's sake IYKWIM. I try & think of it as broadening or deepening my identity, but I know for that I'll need people around me who validate me as a person, not just as a mother.

[mumski]

This is one thing that scares me about having children, though it won't stop me of course. I'm just so used to being me, for me's sake IYKWIM. I try & think of it as broadening or deepening my identity, but I know for that I'll need people around me who validate me as a person, not just as a mother.

I like the bit about the broadening and deepening of your identity, I think this has happened for me and I have reestablished my identity in a lot of ways, so much so that I'm not the same person as I was before and don't know if I'll return to my former career (which was teaching). We'll see...

[ButterflyMama]

I try & think of it as broadening or deepening my identity, but I know for that I'll need people around me who validate me as a person, not just as a mother.

You word this very beautifully and you make a really lovely point. Thank you. I'll try to think of it that way from now on as well.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling this. Thank you to everyone for your input.

[Milliner]

Yes I feel like I am just a mum now not Mel anymore. It can get a bit upsetting some days.

[the_original_duchess]

atm i have to say that i too have lost myself. whenever i talk to some one the conversation starts with how hayden is, then how are j &j, how things with grant are, then lastly how i am.
its hard being a mother, even tho i wouldnt trade it in for anything, and i love my kids more than anything, some days i wish i could just do something for myself. meet some people who just know me as danielle, not haydens, justins and jessicas mother, grants ex, or kims daughter....... just danielle, who loves to laugh, and loves to sing. enjoys a sunset, and thinks a hug and kiss are the most romantic things you can recieve. im not just someones mother, and im not just a single mother, im a person who has their own ideas, thoughts and things that they aspire to do with life.
:hugs: to you for starting this topic and for making me feel that there is someone out there who understands these feelings too
Danielle

[ButterflyMama]

atm i have to say that i too have lost myself. whenever i talk to some one the conversation starts with how hayden is, then how are j &j, how things with grant are, then lastly how i am.
its hard being a mother, even tho i wouldnt trade it in for anything, and i love my kids more than anything, some days i wish i could just do something for myself. meet some people who just know me as danielle, not haydens, justins and jessicas mother, grants ex, or kims daughter....... just danielle, who loves to laugh, and loves to sing. enjoys a sunset, and thinks a hug and kiss are the most romantic things you can recieve. im not just someones mother, and im not just a single mother, im a person who has their own ideas, thoughts and things that they aspire to do with life.
:hugs: to you for starting this topic and for making me feel that there is someone out there who understands these feelings too
Danielle

Exactly. We have our own thoughts and feelings and aspirations. There is more to us than motherhood, although that may be the biggest thing. We deserve recognition for our individual abilities outside of parenthood.

:hugs: