Is he managing his grief???

[Lexy]

Hi all,

Sorry this is a very long post but I think I might have a problem on my hands...
I dont know if it will all make sense Im trying to get all the thoughts out of my head and its a tad messy in there...

Just wondering if there is anyone out there that can offer me some advice?

My DP's father passed away in August very suddenly, and at the time I thought that he coped fairly well considering that he was the closest relative (in distance and also emotionally his mum says he was always his dads favourite) and we had to handle all the details from identifying and Police forms to some funeral stuff. He was in shock big time when it happened and a few nights when he thought I was asleep I caught him crying and every now and then he gets choked up and the tears come streaming down his face, but he recently said that he feels bad because he doesnt feel very sad.
I was quite low for a couple of days withdrawn and quiet and he said to me at the time you seem more upset than me, all I could think of was that not being a close relative of mine it was a bit easier to process my thoughts and grieve??. I also thought that maybe later on, when everything is finalised (we owned and investment property with him which is in the process of being sold) with the estate he would start to really grieve.
Ive never had to deal with death (not to a family member at least) so I had no idea what to expect, actually i visualised him wanting to be left alone, wanting to be near his mum, not being able to talk about it, becoming angry etc (the sort of stuff you see in the movies), he hasn't really displayed any of that. When all of his family came together I tried to leave him to it as much as possible and have kept out of things regarding the estate etc.
But now Im a little worried about him for the last couple of months he hasnt been able to sleep an entire night, he has always been a very bad snorer but recently it has become worse and last night he didn't breath for about 20 seconds when I shook him to wake him up he took a huge breath in, he is becoming more lazy in general (I never thought that was possible!), he just wants to sell the house and move interstate as quickly as possible (to start life afresh), he says he feels like everything is on top of him, he has become more irritable (he is normally very laid back kind of guy) and last night we went out for dinner (today is his bday) i said to him 26 hey you old man he said yeah my life is half over now!!! His dad was 59 when he died.
My Mum suggests accepting the offer from the police of councelling (I have mentioned this but he says he doesn't need it) I told her this and she thinks maybe I should go and describe what is going on and see if I could get some ideas on how to help him (if he needs it) or maybe some tips on how to get him to go to see someone.
Is it all in my head? Is he coping fine? What forms does grief take? He really is such a wonderful person with a great big heart and he has always been there for me I just want to make sure I do the best for him.

Thanks for reading, (any thoughts would be appreciated)

Andrea.

[rynosmum]

Hi Lexy,

I haven't experienced what you DH is going through but really feel for him at this time. He is obviously grieving in his own way but until he tells you what he is feeling, it's going to be hard to deal with. My only advice is to be there for him and comfort him.

[cosmic]

Hi Andrea,

I'm no expert on depression but I'm pretty sure that changes in sleeping patterns, eating patterns, a general lack of motivation and disinterest in things that used to be enjoyable are all big signs. There are some neat little checklists you should be able to get (I would imagine you could even get them from the net) and perhaps if you are able to take note of his behaviour and see if he fits the criteria, that might give you a starting point to have a conversation with him. At least that way it is an objective source rather than just you saying it to him, iykwim?

I'm really sorry for your loss (and of course your partner's) - it's a lot to deal with.

[reAllytee]

He sounds like he really needs to talk to someone & if thats not you then he really needs to find a counsellor !
That being said tis always hard to get a male to go to one due to ego & the likes !
But the thing he needs to understand is that its not so much about getting in touch with his emotions but just talking & releasing. I had a bad relationship with my dad so when he died i too was also guilty of not being sad at the loss but was devastated that i wasnt going to get answers or even have a relationship that was loving with him. Maybe this is what your hubby is feeling in some way more that he has guilt as well as being sad for what their relationship wasnt IYKWIM.
Id sit him down & have a really big talk with him try & get him to understand your only worried who knows if approached in the right way he may even just open up & let alot of what he is going through out.
I wish you all the best, good luck :)

[melfunction]

Hi Andrea,

No, he is not dealing with his grief. He isn't sleeping and when he does I'm guessing he is having nightmares. He has lost all enjoyment in things he used to love to do. I'm no doctor, but he sounds very depressed.

Losing someone is not easy. It can consume all your thoughts and feelings for a long period of time. When people become withdrawn and quiet, its really time for intervention before it takes hold too much.

Maybe check out the mental health website in your state. They generally have links to many sites that I'm sure would be beneficial to both of you. It would give you a starting point too, to try and work out exactly what degree of depression he does have. Maybe see a doctor too.

I really hope you can help him, but ultimately, its really him that has to want to help himself. At least you can point him in the right direction.

Please let us know how you are going and that we are here to help even if you just need to vent.

Good luck

[Lexy]

Thanks so much for your replies kaidensmum, allyoo, cosmic & rynosmum.:)

Im currently searching for info re: depression on the net.

A little bit of a breakthrough happened this morning,
Ill give you some background info first though; we are both overweight DP a lot more so than I am when his dad passed he was adament that he would lose some weight and take some pressure off his heart (heart attack is what killed his dad), we had great intentions of losing weight together but as time went on sort of lost motivation, he came to me this morning and said he has to lose weight he cant let himself go on like this, then he starts grabbing handfulls of fat and jiggling it around as if to demonstrate that he really is fat and that its not just my imagination!!!;)
Anyways he says he wants to go see a doctor about it so Im hoping the doctor tries to find out the motivation behind losing the weight maybe that might lead to talks on grief.
So I suppose thats a start, I just want to say again thanks so much I really had no idea where else to go I didnt want to start telling everyone he knows that I think he is depressed and ask for advice, thankfully I stumbled upon bubhub...

Cheers Andrea

[cosmic]

That's a great sign Andrea! Any kind of motivation to do something positive is good news. Hopefully it is a good first step to bigger and better things. :)

[reAllytee]

Im not sure if im allowed to tell you but i will do it with all good intentions so sorry if im being bad :o
Ok there is beyondblue.org.au & depressionet.com.au they are always a good place to start :D
Hoepfully this is the start of things going right :D