There is porn - and then theres PORN

[MilkOnTap]

Okay - well you all know the shocking week I have had. I thought that it was all over - up until I found an extraordinarily filthy magazine hidden in our marital bedroom.:eek:

I was looking for the insurance papers for my engagement ring - and thought perhaps DH left them where he hid my engagement ring. So of course I went straight there and it turns out it wasn't only my engagement ring he has hidden there.:mad:

Absolute filth. And of course - he is away so I cant even confront him about it.

I called the only person I have here - who is male and also in the navy. I showed him the magazine and he reckons its okay.

Okay - maybe I am over reacting. But what do you tolerate? We have discussed porn before, and I have always said that I dont like it and its not welcome in my home. And here it is. Not only in my home - but in MY BEDROOM. :mad:

And then I receive an email from him saying to get more involved in the church. How hypocritical of him!!!

I am really beginning to resent DH. I hate him for being in the navy. I hate him for being moved to Sydney. I hate Sydney. I know his family all hate me now and I am sick of doing all the work around the house and in our relationship. I am sick of putting up with so much cr@p in and around our relationship. :(

[moonblossom]

Hes Male, and their all the same. Its nothing personal against you, its just genetic unfortunately :(

[draught]

Hi Ally
I don't have answers other than to say that you have been very strong through a pretty rough patch lately and maybe him advising you to get more involved with the church is his way of trying to support you when he is away. I am not going to get into the rights and wrongs of porn as that has ended in tears on this forum before but maybe wait and talk to him about it and how it made you feel - and look on the bright side - at least he hid it. If he was leaving it lying around in the open that would show a complete lack of respect for you after your discussion.

Be strong - you have coped with a lot lately and have held it together very well - and we are all thinking of you.

[MilkOnTap]

Thats the thing draught... Thank you for your kind words and reassurance - but the thing is I am SICK of having to be strong for everyone else. Its been going on for over 2 years now.

I had to be strong when my drink was spiked and I was sexually assaulted.
When my parents separated I had to be strong for Mum.
When Dad told me that he wanted to kill her and I, I had to be strong for us both.
When Grant asked me to come to Sydney, I had to be strong for us.
When I lost both babies, I have had to be strong.
When I found out that it was MY fault that my babies died cause I had contracted an STI before meeting DH, I had to be strong.
I have had to be strong as DH goes away for weeks on end.
I have to be strong through all of this without any friends or family around. I am totally isolated.
The whole last week I have had to be strong and stand up against the entire family WITHOUT my husband by my side.

I am sick of being strong. I have no energy any more and I just want to take the easy way out for once. Now will someone please pass me the Kleenex.

[Pixie]

:( I am quite open minded when it comes to things like this..But if you had an agreement where it wasn't to be allowed then that should be respected.

My DB and I know each other inside out..pretty sure he knows me better than I do lol we have the most respect for each other and nothing is a secret here, would be hard to keep one, tiny unit!

Throw it away I would and I wouldn't say anything and then wait to see what he says most likely he'll say nothing. Like moonB said men they can be like that they are very visual when it comes to sex etc.

After a while I'd mention it to him and say..you know the magazine I threw away, I just hope I don't have to do it again :)

But that's me and I can be snide lol

Ally I think right now you're just really stressed over everything you have had a lot going on in your life and it builds up and everything becomes to much I know I have been there more times, than I care to mention.

But there is light and hope vent like you do here, to friends, try and accept and work with what you have around you adapting is not easy especially in a new city which I am guessing as you say you don't like Sydney, I don't think all his family hate you perhaps the ones of his aunty dislike you presently becuase you took a stand and they have been managing to avoid the situation while you have been having to deal with it.

When he comes back talk to him, write a letter today if you have to, even then you can reflect back on it I know you can't send it to him but maybe if you write down your feelings he can see them when he comes home.

I am sure he loves you and would hate to see you this way, I only know you from here and meeting you the other night and I hate seeing you so upset!!

And you believe in God so pray ;)

you can PM me anytime chicken :)

xx

[Jaileth]

***passes ally the Kleenex***

Aww, sweetie! I know how you feel. I have to be the strong one as well. It's tiring, draining and feels like no one notices or cares. But believe me, they notice and they care!

Lots of hugs for you!

And, you know, you don't have to be strong all the time. And if you feel you have to be around the people you're with at the moment, at least you have bubhub. You can come on here and vent and rage and cry. We'll help you and support you and hold you up - and no one will judge you because you're showing us your softer side.

Hang in there! We're here for you!

[caz]

I agree with DM, if you have told him your feelings towards that kind of thing and he's gone and bought them anyway, you have every right to be angry. So I don't think you're over-reacting at all.

There's no need to be strong all the time, if you need to vent, scream, cry whatever, PM me and i'll listen.

[nemosmum]

Burn it *Passes Ally the matches* thats what I would do :D it would make me feel so much better LOL

When DH and I started living together back when the dinosaurs roamed the earth, god has it been that long? :rolleyes:
I found a filthy tape in our video player one day after DH had been home on an RDO.

So I ripped all the tape out and left it on the coffee table for him to find, then I went on a huge rant about how filthy it was, how disgusted I was in him and basically how hurt I felt about it all...........

I think DM's way is so much more adult like LOL but I was 21 at the time and prone to fits :p hey I still am!!!

This is what you do: Write DH a really blunt letter and rant away then light the mag and the letter, chuck them both in the bbq and watch them burn !!!! Might make you feel better!

Then when you've calmed down and arent on a Glenn Close psycho spree hehehehe sit down and do something relaxing.........ahhhhh thats better :)

Always here when you need a chat!

Sarah
ps Orlando sends you hugs and a big sloppy kiss!

[draught]

Ally
I take it back - you don't have to be strong! I just don't know what else to tell you. Have a big rant, write it all down as Orlandosmum suggested, and keep talking to us.
Thinking of you

[cupcakemafia]

i know how angry & betrayed you feel when you see your husband/partner looking at porn. its an instant reaction most women have, and usually its very justified. and if i knew the answer on how to deal with that, I'd shout it out to every woman i know. but i don't.

what i DO know is that you mentioned your husband is in the navy. my husband used to be in the army and i know exactly how you feel about his work and how it seems to disrupt every aspect of his life. my advice is that there is some GREAT Defence organisations for military spouses that you should ring for some support when things look dark and blue. When I was having a rough time, I used to call DCO (Defence Community Organisation). They could be a great help, and if they didn't have the answers, they'd give me the details of someone else I could talk to - even if it was just to "get everything out". I have the Brisbane number (07 3855 2822) but you'd be better off looking them up online at http://www.defence.gov.au/dco/. I'd really recommend giving them a call, even if it is just to tell them how much you hate having your life dictated by the Department of Defence.

[nemosmum]

Yep get writing Ally :p even if the letter is just

"I hate DH I hate DH I hate DH............................................." :D

OR

"I hate Porn I hate Porn I hate porn......................................":p

OR

"I hate my inlaws I hate my inlaws..........................................." :)

Feel any better?

S

[sugar n spice]

devonmouse im with you well said i would never have thought of binning it and asking about it later on. Really good idea. Ally i hope things get better. hugs from me.

[Bron]

Ally, I'm thinking of you and sending you a big hug. You have had more than your fair share of pain recently, it must be difficult to encounter something so hurtful right now.

((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))

[meshan]

Ally I do know how you feel in regards to the porn. I hate porn with a passion and a few years ago I found a very unsavory magazine under the bed. I know how much it hurts and it feels like you've been cheated on and in a way you have been.

I believe in just bringing it out in to the open. Tell him how you feel how it upsets you. Get it off you chest with him. He needs to know you don't find it acceptable to have that sort of thing in the house. If he loves and respects you he will do what you ask.

I know my husband still looks a porn, but he doesn't have it in the house and so I guess its a case of what I don't know doesn't hurt me.

[moonblossom]

Sorry for not being very helpful in my first post Ally, I'm just having a HATE MEN day...

[MilkOnTap]

Thanks guys...

Moonblossom - you were fine. I am feeling much the same

Draught - I really didn't mean to jump down your throat... I'm sorry...

OrlandosMum - thank you for the sloppy kiss - I needed that!!!

Bron - thank you for the hug... I needed that too!

I sent DH an email saying that I wasn't happy with it, that I hate him being in the navy - basically every thing I said to you guys. He has just replied saying that he is really sorry, that he bought it one weekend when I was away and that apparantly he had forgotten about them and planned on throwing them away. He wants to leave the navy too but he is scared about $$ if he was to leave. Also, the question is HOW to leave - the only way we could do it is if one of us was psychologically unfit (thats the only thing I can think of at the moment!)

Thank you for listening to my whinge, and tears this morning... I just felt so hurt when I found them...

I feel okay now - I gave them to 2 of DH's friends last night. I was actually trying to embarrass DH about it... Unfortunately that backfired.

The main thing is that the filth is out of the house now and I'm going out for lots of drinks tonight with M&M. Cant wait. I think I need more than a few!!! I just bought a very sexy top... (maybe a lil too sexy for a married woman) and I plan on really letting my hair down.

[Mamaduke]

I think I need more than a few!!! I just bought a very sexy top... (maybe a lil too sexy for a married woman) and I plan on really letting my hair down.
Ally, I know you love your DH to death but don't go out feeling upset with him with a possibility of having a few too many drinks. Remember that you do love him and he loves you and as a wife of a man who's hardly around due to work, keep letting yourself know that he's doing this (working) for a reason...for your family.
I'm not saying that anything will happen, but I never go to a supermarket hungry...consequences:( !!!! Have fun darl!:D

[rynosmum]

I found a similar mag once hidden in DH's office when I was filing all of our paperwork. I did the opposite - grabbed the magazine, headed out to the lounge room where he was, sat down next to him and said, " Honey, I found this whilst I was cleaning your room. Did you want to talk about it ? (kinda like what I expect I would say if I was his Mum). He turned red :o and I distinctly remember telling him I didn't like it around. After all the excuses in the world as to why it was there, he gave it to a friend of his. We still laugh about it - especially when I bring it up at inappropriate times - like in front of his Mum :rolleyes:

Sometimes we all try to be strong but I like to try and 'pick my fights' or to choose what is really important, and what isn't. I'm not saying that what you found isn't important - but if your hubby is a good man and you love him - this could be a minor issue compared to others. Sometimes we have to just shrug things off - for our own sanity...

I hope things get easier for you - you've had a tough time lately.:)

[MilkOnTap]

Ally, I know you love your DH to death but don't go out feeling upset with him with a possibility of having a few too many drinks.

I'm okay - actually in the middle of writing another email back to him.

I think that perhaps I did take it all out of context. It is just a magazine. Its not like he cheated on me. That doesn't make it okay - and I wont forget it... But I will forgive him.

Nothing is going to happen tonight (if thats what you were kind of scooting around) I just need to let my hair down and to relax. Its been one hell of a week.

[WeThree]

Ally, I know you love your DH to death but don't go out feeling upset with him with a possibility of having a few too many drinks. Remember that you do love him and he loves you and as a wife of a man who's hardly around due to work, keep letting yourself know that he's doing this (working) for a reason...for your family.
I'm not saying that anything will happen, but I never go to a supermarket hungry...consequences:( !!!! Have fun darl!:D

oohhhh, excellent point carly!!
maybe before you go out, after you write your 'i hate dh, and porn, and my inlaws' letter, you can write a list of all the things you love about your dh, and the things that make him special. pop it in your purse and take it out with you. he is away working hard for you and your furure family, and i know even though your angry at him, you love him lots too :)
i think you need a good night out, and i know our michelle will look after you and make sure you have good time! it will do you the world of good, and remember you always have bubhub as well to vent, cry, rant and rave!!!
thinking of you and hoping things look up soon
xxx
ps i think you need to get away for a weekend or something if its possible, somewhere quiet, relaxing and tranquil, and just take some time out for yourself and your thoughts, you deserve it :)

[MilkOnTap]

Thats a good idea - make sure I keep a pic of DH with me all night and a letter from him too.

ps i think you need to get away for a weekend or something if its possible, somewhere quiet, relaxing and tranquil, and just take some time out for yourself and your thoughts, you deserve it :)
Have already booked a weekend away for the weekend after next - up in the Hunter Valley for 2 nights in a B&B - complete with breakfast, dinner, spa bath and wine tour. Just what we need before he starts his 6 month stint.
I was happy for 05 to end, but I'm not all that thrilled about 06 beginning!

[WeThree]

oh, excellent, just what you guys need!!! :)
dont worry, im sure things will start to look up, things can only get better now, (well hopefully)
have fun tonight!!\

oh and tell michelle dh and i lurve the new pram!:)

[cosmic]

Hey Ally, I know I'm coming into this late but just wanted to say I'm glad you're feeling better. :) I think this just came at a really BAD time for you after the week you've had (not to mention everything else the past few months!).

As difficult as it is for us to comprehend at times, men are simply hardwired differently than we are and to them looking at porn has zero relevance to their feelings for their partner, so I am glad you are keeping it in perspective. It's no reflection on his love for you at all. ;)

[MilkOnTap]

Yep - will let Michelle know you like the pram.

Thanks again guys... I feel much better about it. I think it was just the fact that since both operations my body just hasn't been the same. I'm not as firm and toned as I was - I have three 2" scars on my tummy and stretch marks all over - and of course I haven't been able to exercise properly since the operations either cause it just hurts too much.

I haven't been as 'energetic' as I would like to be in the bedroom... And I thought that he was trying to make up for it with a stupid magazine...

I know he loves me... I think the only option right now is for him to get out of the navy.