Partner said no to a second baby... HELP!!!

[Littlesmum]

I'm so glad I stumbled across this site. I am in desperate need of opinions regarding having a second child.

I think you'll need the full story before I go on.
Here Tis...

I was dating my current partner for 3 years, 3 years ago. We parted and I travelled then came home and fell pregnant to a guy who I thought was the one. Clearly he wasn't. My current partner got wind of the news and soon was right beside me as a friend. 6 months after my son was born we decided that we would like to try a relationship again. He was completely in love with my son and our love truly never faded. However... Upon discussing our future I had expressed my strong desire to have another baby. He said he really didn't want to have a baby a his own and was happy with the baby I had already had. Things got messy and we agreed that it wouldn't work so we remained friends. We kept touching on the subject and he decided he'd agree to have another baby. So it was full steam ahead with building a father/son relationship. My son is now 2yrs and 4 mths old. We had moved house to accomodate another baby, sold off a toy of his to afford a new baby (his idea, no pressure from me). He knew I had started taking folate and then out of no-where he said 'I don't want to have any more children, you can leave if you need to have more children or stay and understand there are to be no more children'
My concerns are
- Is he committed to our relationship
- Has he manipulated me all this time and waited for the perfect time (my son to be completely in love with him and knowing I can't take that away) to drop the bombshell
- Does he have cold feet??

I am completely devestated. I would love to hear from those who are or have been in my situation or anyone who can help.

[Kassiasmum]

Hi there,
I can understand where you are coming from. My partner and I have been together 9years, he already had 2 children when we met and always said that he didn't want any more, it took me 8 years to convince him of just one more, one for me (his 2 sons haved lived with us as long as we have lived together) so I was bringing up his children without having any of my own. I know that he would not agree to any more kids, I would love another.
It is hard to say what is going through your partners head, maybe it is cold feet, it's such a big committment. If he is definate about not having any, you need to decide what is best for you and your son, whether not having a child with this man is going to affect your relationship with him, whether it will bring resentment into the r'ship which could affect your son. How important is having another child to you?
Good luck, I know this is going to be a hard decision on your part, but one that has to be made.
Tracey

[Lucybelle]

Oh bugger - you poor thing.
I think you should listen to him (unfortunatley). He is being honest with you and you must respect that. At least you know before a baby was on the way. Maybe he does have cold feet. I know it sounds dicky but why not try a counsellor? It may help work out the problem and then at least you know where you stand.
I made it VERY clear to me exH that one or two more kids were in my future and if he wanted to be with me that was the way it would be. He did agree but then did nothing to ensure this would happen. Therefore he is my EX. I feel just as ripped off, as I actually MARRIED the guy.
Chin up sweetie. XXO

[Littlesmum]

I honestly don't know what to do.
The need for another baby is so strong but I don't want to jeopardise the relationship between my son and his dad.
:( :( :( :(

[Lachlan's Mum]

Hi Littlesmum

My heart goes out to you...I know what the desire for a baby can do to you and how strong it is.....we tried to have Lachlan for 11 months...it nearly killed us!

Anyway, I think the suggestion re counselling is the go...but not just for you to deal with it, but rather for the two of you - couples counselling - as I don't think your partner (or any MAN) can really understand that nesting pull a woman gets from the desire for a baby...I think he needs to understand exactly the situation he is putting you in and like all men- he won't listen/take this seriously from YOU but another independant person...who hopefully will make him see that he too is jeapordising his relationship with you and your son by not seeing things from your perspective.

I'm not saying he should have a baby if he really feels this way...but if he has such a great relationship with your son then he must have some sort of parenting instinct that just needs to be explored a bit..instead of it being just about who wins between the two of you.

I have not been in your position, but I would be suggesting some outside help like a counsellor to my DH if I was in your shoes.

[bleemum]

:( I know exactly how you feel. I have a son 5yrs and have been desperate for a second since he was 12 months my situation is a bit different to yours as my husband was saying yes the whole time to us having the baby but would not have sex with me, how he expected the baby to be made is one I have never gotten an answer to.

At least your husband it being honest with you and telling you how he feels, it got to a point with us that i had to be honest with my husband and tell him that not having the opportunity to have another baby was something that I would probably hold against him for the rest of our lives and therefore what kind of relationship would we have.

By my being honest we were finally able to confront what the REAL issues were and now ( four years later mind !!!! ) we are actually trying.

Good Luck be true to yourself and your son.

[Graeme]

It's a really tricky one isn't it. So many things to way up and think about. I suspect there is going to be no clear cut answer too.

I agree that counselling is a good idea, but also recognise that it can be a challenging path to go down. Counsellors have a habit of making us look at areas of our lives we don't want to. Like when we are in real pain, counsellors often want us to explore the pain when all we want to do is to avoid the pain. I admire you courage in trying to address the issue.

In your last posting you said you wear your heart on your sleeve and he argues constructively and you feel you can't get your point across. I think for a lot of guys in a conflict we go all "logical" and look at practicalities. Sometimes this can be helpful, but at other times it avoids the important emotional part of the situation. I know that if I'm not careful I can use "logic" in a way which is not respectful of the other person and "argue constructively" in a way that does not leave much room for them to work out what they are thinking or felling. Hopefully a counsellor might be able to help you address both the emotions and the practicalities.

I would also encourage you to listen to your inner wisdom or intuition (or whatever you want to call it). Maybe at those time when you are really in tune with yourself, you have answers for at least some of the questions you asked in your first posting (even if you aren't clear about what to do). Is he really committed? Has he been manipulative? Has he got cold feet? Of course talking with him (which clearly you are trying to do) will help too.

Just to finish with a word of encouragement. Two friends of ours had been together for years with an understanding that neither wanted children. As she approached 40, she decided she did want children. This was going to change the basis of much of their relationship. I suspect it was hard going at time but they are both now seem very happy in their roles as parents and their relationship is probably all the stronger for the struggle they had to go through.

I hope you find the inner strength you need to address this.
Good luck.
In genuine admiration
Graeme

[WeThree]

What a tough decision, my heart goes out to you. What I guess you need to think about is if he truly doesnt want anymore children (which seems to be the case) then can you seriously contemplate your life without anymore babies, would you be willing to be give up on that dream to be with this man or is your desire for another child stronger? If it is, you need to start making some serious decisions now while your little boy is still quite young, you only get one shot at life and you need to be able to look back and have no regrets, follow your heart, because if you dont you may end up very bitter and resentful, I hope everything works out for you and that you will keep us posted on it
all the best! :)

[Christinewith3kids]

Hello to littlesmum,
My heart goes out to you.... I had a similar problem but mine was with having the third child!
We were starting to get on easy street as the kids were 3 & 4 at the time.. that I so much wanted to have another(He is the father of all my children). AND that desire to have a child can be so overpowering at times.
Anyway he basically said he was not prepared to help anymore than he already was with the 2kids and if I wanted another...than be prepared to do it all myself!
I decided that I could cope and we had another...and I tell you now I certainly don`t have any regrets. At times it is hard,but when is parenting NOT.
He kept to his end of the bargin alright and does/did as little as possible when it came to bathing,feeding etc. BUT I think at the end of the day it is him who is missing out not US! I have 3 beautiful kids now aged 16mths,almost 5yrs and one who has just turned 6yrs.
There is no easy answer to your question,but I hope you can both work through it and can live with your decisions...GOOD LUCK :)

[Littlesmum]

Thank You to all who have replied to my post.

I have come to the conclusion that honesty is the best policy for the sake of my son and my relationship.

I have confronted DP with what I firmly believe is the problem (cold feet) and if its not addressed then he has to make the decision that he doesn't want this family unit.

Its hard and I'm scared but what will be will be.

Thanks xx

[Graeme]

Hi,

Congratulations on taking such a big step. I really hope it works out well for you.

Graeme