Stay or Go?

[mumma bear]

Dh and I have been married for the last 4 years and have 2 beautiful children and another on the way.

My DH has anger management issues especially when it comes to the kids. I have pleaded with him to get help and he went and did a Budhist meditation course to learn to calm the mind (has done no follow up) and really there has been no change.

He will flip out, not physical with the kids. I just worry about how much he scares them and he might accidentally hurt them.

Like this arvo. DD, DS and I have head colds so we have been taking it easy today and I have let them get away with a little as they are out of sorts. I asked DD to get ready for her bath and she spoted DS outside so she went out too. DH went out to tell her to come in and get ready, i wasn't that concerned and she didn't respond. So he shouted at her and then booted a plastic dolls house, smashing it to pieces and ofcourse she became hysterical and came to me. By this time i was at the door. I scooped them both up and calmed them down and took them for their bath. He has had nothing more to do with them since and has now gone to football training.

My initial thoughts is how scarry that would be to a little one and second what if part of the house had of hit one of them in the eye or injured them in some other way, even though this was not his intention.

We have discussed before how much he scares her sometimes and how he needs to change and he actually said to me once that if he didn't change then for the kids sake i needed to remove them.

I don't want to leave him because i love him dearly and he is not like this all the time. Only even now and again but i also want the best for my kids. I don't want them to be scared of their Dad.

So what do i do? Stay or Go? Try and work through it more? I just don't know what to do anymore and find the entire situation heart breaking and overwhelming! Please help.

[MrsTwith3]

Wow how terrifying for your little ones especially coming from one of the people who are meant to nuture and protect them.
You stated you dont want to leave him because you love him but what about your kids. Seeing as he is protecting them like he should but terrifying the poor little mites its up to you to give them an environment where they feel safe ALL the time. If that environment comes at the price of them not having there emotionally abusive father around so be it. If you are so determined to stay then you really need to make things clear with him that its time he STOPPED this abuse towards your kids.

[Rhoxie]

Obviously you have said all you can say on the issue and for whatever reason he doesn't hear it or make the concerted effort to change.

The only two things I can think of are to actually have him attend counselling sessions - real counselling ie -pyschologist etc .
or to video tape a blow up and play it back to show him what he is like.

Me personally I would not tolerate that kind of behaviour from an adult - NOT EVER- I don't even tolerate it from my children.

I hope you can sort the issues out with out leaving but don't put up with a life of that kind of behaviour. You and your children deserve better. :hugs:

[BlueGin]

:hugs: what a tough situation to be in :(
If you want something to give you the courage to either leave or force him in to counselling; maybe think what type of adults your kids will become with that kind of behaviour being modelled for them.

I really don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just thinking of some powerful TV ads that have been shown fairly recently, and they have the kids copying their parent's bad behaviour... everything from littering to bashing the wife/mother. A nasty thought.

:hugs:

[melfunction]

My initial thoughts is how scarry that would be to a little one

It is scary and I'm still terrified of my father today.

[Pippi Longstocking]

You poor thing, that sounds like a horrible position to be in. It is unfair that you have to make that choice when you are not to blame for the problem. :hugs:

Buuttt...first and foremost, you have a responsibility to keep your kids safe. And what he is doing is mental abuse. He may not be hurting them physically but they are still being damaged by his violent outbursts. And you do need to be aware that violence tends to escalate. Is it only a matter of time before he lashes out at them?

No one can tell you what you ought to do, it is something that you need to work out. :hugs:

[EmsMum72]

You poor thing, that sounds like a horrible position to be in. It is unfair that you have to make that choice when you are not to blame for the problem. :hugs:

Buuttt...first and foremost, you have a responsibility to keep your kids safe. And what he is doing is mental abuse. He may not be hurting them physically but they are still being damaged by his violent outbursts. And you do need to be aware that violence tends to escalate. Is it only a matter of time before he lashes out at them?

No one can tell you what you ought to do, it is something that you need to work out. :hugs:

I totally agree with the Guv :thumbsup:. I know you don't want it to come to this, but perhaps if you gave him an ultimatum. Seek help, or move out. The thought of losing his family might force him into getting the help that he needs. Just keep those babies of yours safe.

[mumma bear]

So late night i sat him down and explained my position and at first he said fine, i am out all day tomorrow you and the kids go and let you lawyer contact me and tell me how much i need to pay becausei will always support the kids. But you will have to explain to them why you left me on every birthday because i wont be seeing them because you obviously feel you can't trust me with them.

I was shocked to say the least. I thought after previous discussions that we had had he would agree to do councelling.

It would be me moving because we live in the country in company provided accommodation. As it is the company my DH works for i can't stay and have him go somewhere because there is nowhere for him to go and stay at work. I really have nowhere to go in the city as the houses that we own there are rented.

Anyways a little while later he said fine that he would seek counselling and that he didn't want to split up the family. So we have agreed on that for the minute.

Since our discussion whilst he has been civil to me i can see that he is hurting, he really is acting like he doesn't want to be near me. Hopefully this will pass because it is hurting!

[MrsTwith3]

Maybe its the truth that is hurting him and that is all. It sounds like he wasnt really all that fazed by what you said and not willingly to change his ways. I trully hope he does seek counselling for all of your benefits. All the best to you and your kids.

[EskimoMumma]

Sounds me to me hes playing games with your head. Blackmailing so to speak making you out to be the baddie, well , trying to.

Is there no way to set notice on one of the houses??I cant offer anymore advice im afraid but have plenty of :hugs:

[Kerry35]

That is emotional abuse.

You dont sound too keen on taking a tough stand with your husband....and he knows it. Look at his actions.

Put yourself in your young children's shoes. How would you feel if your father carried on like that? You owe it to your children to provide a safe healthy family environment for them to grow up in.

Stop pussy foot around your DH and put your foot down! If he loves you and the kids so much, then he needs to do whatever it takes to make it right again. Even if it means that he has to go to anger management courses or whatever is available in your country area.

Never, NEVER stay because "you have nowhere to go". Surely you can put in a release on one of your rental properties? Maybe go thru a lawyer to get the ball rolling if that is what it takes.

What about your family? Can they support you in the short term should the need arise?

He sounds like an immature wimp that needs to grow up and start taking some responsibility for his own actions.

I only have :hugs: for you. Stay strong.

[bronny-jane]

maybe he didnt realise how bad he really was... the fact your were willing to leave for the kids, some people just cant see their actions are really bad till its pointed out in a harsh and confronting way...... he's probably feeling bad about what he's done, to his kids, to you... i'd give him a chance... and pull him up when it starts...before it gets out of hand.... goodluck:)