Older children at Home Births?

[nemosmum]

Hi all,

I just recently found out that friends of friends of ours lol had to deliver their bub at home (as bub couldnt wait)

The couples 5 year old daughter was present during the birth (well she was huddled up in her bedroom which is directly off the hallway were her mum gave birth.

Apparently the little girl is rather traumatised by the experience and some months on (its been 6 months) still has nightmares about it)

Just wondering if any of you out there had older siblings present at home births?
If so : How did you prep your kids for this?
What were the negetive/positive experiences for them?

Just curious :)
S

[Baby Girl]

I have not had a home birth but I am wondering was their daughter prepared at all for the birth. I mean, it is fairly commonplace that she would see her mum having contractions and such before she actually goes to hospital (or as it were, births at home).

Have they taken her to see a counsellor? Would they consider it? At her age she probably would have been more concerned about the pain her mum seemed to be in than the mess of it (IMO).

Does she have any resentment or fear of the baby?
Does she associate bub with the whole experience?
Did anyone explain what was happening to her at the time (obviously not right at that moment but in the lead up, I assume there was some warning before bub popped out)?
Did she have someone with her at the time or was she left all alone to deal with it?
Did someone talk to her after the birth and explain it to her (if not before)?
Did she maybe want to be involved but wasn't allowed?

Just questions I would ask if I was in the same situation.

[AM]

I am due for a homebirth in a couple of weeks time, and my 22 month old son will be present.
I don't have any hard and fast rules about how much he will see, or not, perhaps he will be asleep, perhaps he will be glued to my side, hard to tell as yet!
I do have a friend who is attending specifically to be his support person, play with him, feed him etc, and we have watched homebirth videos together, I have been making a bit of a game of getting down and doing some groaning and moaning so it is not a shock to him, and i talk to him about it all a fair bit.
There is also a lovely little book called "Hello Baby" which is specifically a homebirth book, and we read that as often as possible.
Pretty much all of the homebirth mums I have spoken to have been amazed that their kids coped so well during the whole thing, and watching the videos, the older siblings are just wonderful.

I would say that for the poor 5 year old you are describing, it would have come down to the shock of it happening unexpectedly, not being prepared by her parents, and also i guess the parents themselves would have been a bit stressed, also having this baby come when they were not expecting it, so they would have conveyed a stressful vibe to their daughter, and also would not have had support systems in place for her.

I think it all comes down to being PREPARED!!

When you commit to homebirth, it is a really lovely vibe, and I feel that is what kids pick up on most.

[nemosmum]

Have they taken her to see a counsellor? Would they consider it? At her age she probably would have been more concerned about the pain her mum seemed to be in than the mess of it (IMO).

Yep Im pretty sure they took her to a counsellor, not sure if she still goes or not.

Does she have any resentment or fear of the baby? No she seems very affectionate and loving towards her new baby brother.

Does she associate bub with the whole experience? Not sure

Did anyone explain what was happening to her at the time (obviously not right at that moment but in the lead up, I assume there was some warning before bub popped out)? From what I was told it was pretty much chaos, both parnts were very stressed etc and this wasnt a planned home birth so you can only imagine what happened :eek: plus bubs was over 9 pounds so a very big bub!

Did she have someone with her at the time or was she left all alone to deal with it? No

Did someone talk to her after the birth and explain it to her (if not before)? Im sure that they talked about mummy going to hospital before the birth and that she would have the bub there etc

Did she maybe want to be involved but wasn't allowed? apprarently she was terrified :( but there wasnt anything the parents could do at the time.

Thanks for you reply

[nemosmum]

I would say that for the poor 5 year old you are describing, it would have come down to the shock of it happening unexpectedly, not being prepared by her parents, and also i guess the parents themselves would have been a bit stressed, also having this baby come when they were not expecting it, so they would have conveyed a stressful vibe to their daughter, and also would not have had support systems in place for her.

I think it all comes down to being PREPARED!!

When you commit to homebirth, it is a really lovely vibe, and I feel that is what kids pick up on most.


I agree with you totally Angie :)

And thanks for your reply.
S

[JanetF]

I hope to have my 2 yr old at my next birth but he'll have LOTS of preparation and his own support person so if he feels overwhelmed he can step out. I think the key is preparation, support and flexibility. I'm horrified by a child being left in fear like that and deeply shocked by it. I don't know any mothers or MWs who would leave a child like that, most MWs are very keen to involve children, bond with them and work out the right support person for them. How very tragic!

[nemosmum]

Hey JF, If you read my first post you will see that it was an unplanned home birth (they didnt make it to the hospital, and the ambo's arrived too late as well) the dad delivered bub so there wasnt much mum or dad could do at the time.

That said they are the most wonderful people and would never intentionally harm their child, this was a big suprise :eek:

I am sure they are doing everything they can to help their older child over come any negetive feelings etc ......it just got me thinking about older children attending home births so I posted it here :)

Thanks again for your replies.

S

[WeThree]

Hi S :)
your poor friends, they must be feeling so bad about all this, but i mean, what could they have done? if there was noone else there, dad would have had to be there for mum, i hope they dont feel to guilty, they could only do what they could do in the situation.
i agree that i think preperation plays a big part, but for me personally its not something i would chose to do (have my children present at the birth) if i ever had another child i would love to have it at home, but i would arrange for my kids to not be present. This is just me, i think with all the preperation etc my children would still be distressed, and my older ones may even feel ackward and perhaps embarressed. They have seen birth on videos etc, but i just wouldnt feel comfortable having them there. i sometimes wonder how much of it is for the parents (this great vision of them all being together etc) than for the actual children, iykwim? i think the reality of what is going through the little ones heads, and what the parents like to think is going on in their heads would be 2 very different things, kids are not little adults, they dont think like we do and often percieve things very differently to how we think they do.
This is just my opinion, i may very well be wrong, and im sure there are plenty of people who will say im definetly wrong. i know there are millions of children who have seen their mums give birth, and they cope just fine, but i can pretty much guarentee you it is not their happiest or most pleasant memory, and i bet there was lots of other places they would have rather been!! (again, jmo, i cant read kids minds :) )
Anyway i have gone on long enough, and raved on about things that you didnt ask my opinion on, but your post just got me thinking is all :)
I am sure your friends little girl will eventually be fine, if they keep on being open and honest with her, explain to her it was all normal and special etc, kids are pretty resiliant, do you know if they are still taking her to counselling? might be a good idea if she is still having nightmares etc.
Again, please noone get mad at me, all childen are raised differently, and so for some, it might not be such an issue, these are only the thoughts of someone who actually knows very little about these things, and are just my personal views. :)

[nemosmum]

Great post Coops :)

I think if you want a home birth, go for it!

But personally I will stick to the hospital/birthing centre LOL ;)

I also think if people want their kids there then go for it!

But personally Im with you Coops, I couldnt imagine O having to go through watching me give birth (if it was anything like the way I gave birth to him :eek: OMG I still have nightmares LOL)

I too believe we as parents can have the best intentions but still fail to see how our children really FEEL/ DEAL with certain scenarios.

As the saying goes........Different strokes LOL :p

[AM]

I guess the way i feel about it is that birth is a very special experience, especially if it takes place in your very own space, yet it is also a very natural part of life, and i want my kids to feel this also, not have it censored.
Having said that, as i said in a previous post, my son will have his own support person, so if they end up playing outside for the duration, that is just fine, but if he opts to be close during the birth, I feel that is fine too.

What amazed me when i watched all of these homebirth videos, was that the children were not showing any signs of fear at all, they were either completely disinterested and simply playing or whatever as if it was a normal day, or they were very empathic, wiping mums face or cuddling her, or swimming around in the birth pool! :D or they were seeming totally fascinated by the whole process.

I was very interested in watching the reactions of the kids, as i did have a few reservations about it, but not any longer.

I think the approach is a huge thing, and if birth is percieved by the parent as being not for young eyes, then kids will pick up on that.

The excitement on these kids faces as they saw their sibling being born was amazing to watch, I would have to say I think their lives were considerably enrichened by the experienced, no trauma at all :)

[moonblossom]

I had my eldest daughters (14 and 15 at the time) when i had my third son. I had him in hospital thought and the staff made them feel really welcome. It was a wonderful experience for us all, but they were a lot older and knew exactly what was happening.

This time I'm having this one in the birthing Unit and my door will be wide open for any of my children to share this experience with me if they choose. There is nothing quite as calming as looking at your baby's, watching you have a baby. Its really quite amazing.

[reAllytee]

Wow what a story poor little thing !
I have to say i agree with coopsntilly but thats my opinion as i also believe young kids dont really comprehend things well enough.
One of my close gf was at her sisters birth when we were in high school aged about 13yrs old she came back so traumatised that she wouldnt even go near our male friends just to make sure LOL still to this day she talks about it with fear & wonders how she will cope when the time comes ! She was prepared went to the birthing classes. They are like girlfriends so talked about it all so she knew what was going to happen but as she said when the time came & she saw her mum in so much pain she wanted to be sick & freaked out. Her mum also had no drug relief was all natural with no interventions.
But at the same time if your happy with your choice then power to you being that confident leading up to your birth is amazing hopefully i have this next time around :D

[Mamaduke]

When I went into labour with my first son my mum couldn't be in the room because she said she couldn't/wouldn't be able to stand the sight of me in pain, and she's a grown woman.
I wouldn't let my children see me in pain, I think it would hurt them too much.
The excitement on Jesse's face when he first saw his little brother Lucas (after the actual birth) was enough for me...and him.

[Mummabear]

I agree, personally I don't think a young child is equipped to deal with that situation. Yeah, they might be fine, but what if they're not, what then - you can't turn around and make them 'un see' it all. I'd rather err on the side of caution when it comes to the mental and emotional (and physical of course) health of my children. What if they become traumatised like this poor young girl - I just don't think it's worth it just so Mummy can have her warm fuzzies. I'm sorry, but I honestly don't believe, no matter how much talking, watching and reading that you do with them, that a young child truly comprehends the concept and can become emotionally prepared for the experience. I don't think you'll know if they're able to cope until they're put in the moment, and then it's all too late. JMO obviously :)

[nemosmum]

Thanks for all your replies girls :)

Sxx